The Annual Family Fight: Happy Holidays From BB+B

Every year at Christmas, as much of my family as possible gathers together, to celebrate the holidays.  When I was a bit younger, we'd all drive to my grandparents house where my family and the other 3 families in our particular Allman clan would eat my grandmother's delicious cooking, sit around the fireplace as my rotund grandfather put on a silly Santa hat and made the loudest and most impatient grandchild the 'elf' of the year to keep them quiet, and gave each other presents.  I loved this tradition, and I looked forward to the family Christmas for the rest of the year.

As an adult, it has become harder and harder for my family to get together each year at Christmas.  Now, my sister lives in the northern midwest with her husband (their 3rd wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks!), my brother moves around from place to place in the military, and I'm currently residing in Fairbanks Alaska, in order to prove to myself that sunlight and warmth are not true human necessities. My parents live in Texas, though, which is much further from my Grandparent's place than my childhood home.  This means that each year instead of going to see the grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, we now spend our family Christmases gathering usually 2/3 of the children in Texas, and having a nice vacation down south.

As with any family, we fall into patterns, and the same silly problems erupt every year.  My brother, an admittedly sour and gruff sort, offends or insults my sister or I, and then she and/or I (usually and) get whiny, make a fuss, and our parents spend the holidays trying desperately to control the fallout of our unnecessary squabbles.  It's a holiday tradition I like to call the "Annual family fight", and I've become well versed in its trends.

My mother, bless her angelically lovable soul, tries to keep friendly and calm despite the shenanigans going on around her.  My brother, sister, and I fight and she bakes cookies, arranges fun movies, and sets up absolutely flawless parties and get-togethers that my siblings and I inevitably almost ruin with our petty problems.

My father, a king among men, enforces sibling peace through the holiday.  He tells us to shut our damned mouths and hug, finds the perfect family movies to watch, and then helps cook (because despite being a very manly man, he cooks better than your average 5 star restaurant's chef) for whatever fun parties my mother artfully arranges.

At the end of each holiday's "family fight" we find a few days of blissful peace together, before heading off back to our real lives.  It's a wonderful Christmas tradition, and I sincerely enjoy it more and more each year, though I admit I would prefer the event to have less fighting, but I cannot control that as well as I'd like.

These are my parents.  They're wonderful people with seemingly infinite patience, and I'm lucky they're in my life.

Fighting is a natural part of being in a family.  If you have siblings, you know that it's nearly impossible to enjoy a sibling's company without a few meaningless squabbles and petty fights breaking out most days. This is especially true during holidays, when we're all trying to re-learn how to relax after months and months of being busy with work, school, or our normal personal lives. 
Whenever you show up to see family for vacation, it takes at least 3-4 days to settle into your comfortable rhythms together, and 3-4 more before you actually feel relaxed like a vacation should. Perhaps that explains our annual family fight.  Or, perhaps it's something else. 

Personally, I think it's something much simpler:  I think that all families, after being apart for so long, simply cannot remember how to interact.  The things that we love about each other (for me it's my sister's emotional and caring personality, my brother's stoic strength, my mom's infinite perseverance in troubled situations, and my father's stern but loving guidance) have all been forgotten in our time apart.  We have to re-learn each other's habits and behaviors.  We have to get reacquainted to being with family members that we only see once or twice a year. Then, when we get reacquainted, we have to move past the old version of ourselves that our families remind us about. Only once we're accustomed to being with family again and after we move past the reminders of our past selves can we enjoy the holidays without fighting.

That's why holidays are always so rough to start.  You have to re-learn old relationships you thought you understood.  You have to get past the old version of yourself that your family reminds you of.  You have to ignore the sneaking suspicion in the back of your head that you all cannot get along anymore, and you have to smile, hug, and accept your family as they are today. It's not easy, but it's necessary, and once you get past that pesky acceptance stage, you actually enjoy being around your family again.

That's why this year, I'm trying to rush the process along. 
My brother has managed to be an intolerable ass since I got here:  I don't blame him, I'm rather convinced that as his twin I must have absorbed all the 'nice' in the womb and left him the unhealthily share of 'grumpy' and 'gruff'. I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm a very liberal atheist scientist currently visiting a particularly conservative area of a religious and conservative state. I'm even mostly over the disappointment of missing out on seeing my lovely sister this year, since I know I'll see her sometime this summer.

I am resolved to make this holiday a good one, and I am resolved to spend as much time as possible being friendly and fun instead of aggressive and harsh this December. I am going to be friendly and loving and ignore the profoundly 'Texas' surroundings.  I'll focus on my love of spending time with my family, and the fun of the holiday.  I will not allow the 'Annual Family Fight' to progress even one step further. 

I'm an atheist, but even I know that the spirit of the holidays is hope and love.  I'm extremely liberal, but even I know that it's acceptable to respond 'merry christmas' instead of the more politically correct 'happy holidays' that seems to unnaturally rile up the local Texans. Even as a sibling, I know that it's probably better if I can manage to avoid the fighting this year and focus instead on the family love.

I hope you all will join me this holiday season in ignoring the petty squabbles, the religious arguments, and the political strife. Let's all do our best to turn over a new leaf, and make the annual holiday traditions focus more on fun and family than frustration and fighting. Let's make it a very happy holiday, and bear whatever we must so that we can get back to our real lives in a few weeks well rested, happily stuffed with holiday feasts, and looking forward to next year's holiday traditions.

From Beards Bears and Brian, I wish you all a wonderful and happy Holiday season. 
Stay warm, keep smiling, and try to ignore the voice in the back of your head telling you to argue with your family this year.

Thanks as always, and I have appreciated you all reading my blog in its first year.  I hope as 2013 approaches I can make it even better, and you all can enjoy my musings and thoughts even more.

Ho-Ho-Ho, Happy Holidays (Christmas, Hannukah, or whatever holidays you all celebrate),Brian, The Author guy.

And for your amusement, here's a photo of me from 5 years ago,
celebrating the holidays with a barrel of monkeys toy I was given as a gag gift.

Why Nice Guys and Nerds Never Get a Date: A Melodramatic Explanation

Someone recently asked me why I'm single...Me, Brian of BB+B fame and glory! Why I, of anyone on this planet, is forced to walk alone in my endless journeys. He asked why I, of all the wondrous beacons of light that are myself and my companions, found myself alone at the end of each day. It was a worthwhile question, and so I gave it my full attention.

I took a moment and looked down at myself, before looking back up and meeting my friend's questioning gaze. Clearly, it could not be my looks. I mean, with a mane of such lustrous chest hair, I imagine that I am like a magnet, and women across the globe are all ferrous metals waiting to be drawn in. With such strong arms, I must appear as a stalwart lighthouse on the seas of life, and any woman who sees me must be drawn to this bastion of strength and comfort. No, it certainly couldn't be my looks.

To continue building the suspense, I looked to the right of me, where no one was sitting, and I pondered the empty chair. Such a lonesome thing, quietly waiting for more attention. It clearly sought a buttocks, well formed and feminine, to fill the hole in its life, and simultaneously to fill the space in my heart where a woman could go. The chair was not the problem though, on a sign that a problem existed. So I continued my search for a cause of my single-hood, and turned my eyes skyward, so that I could think in my head privately for a moment.

Having a GLORIOUS MUSTACHE I began to twirl it in my fingers, pensive for a moment about the incredible simplicity of the question. I ran my thick, masculine fingers through the hairs that jutted from my upper lip in an attempt to physically hold on to the moments of pure and unending bliss that would surely come to me once I found the answer as to WHY I have not procured myself a long term relationship with a beautiful and intelligent woman.

Why, of all people, am I still single? I am, by all senses of the word, quite special. I am above average in height and girth. In ancient times, I would almost instantly be considered important and grand. I am well educated, so I can spend seemingly endless hours droning on and on about subjects no one cares about (which somehow proves that I'm educated, because only the well educated can spend so much time on such unimportant matters). I am quite pale, and my hair is a strange combination of golden brown and the darkest of blonde. Again, I am atypical, special MAGNIFICENT EVEN!

Having completed my train of thought, I looked back across the table at the buddy of mine who had asked and stated in a cool and collected low tone, "He who is himself more than merely a man is too much a man for any one woman, and thus he finds himself alone."

My buddy stared adoringly back at me, realizing I was imparting crucial wisdom to the world. He waited a moment, clearly turning my words over in his mind before asking me yet another question. He asked, "So, you think you're just so awesome no woman can handle you?"

I chuckled for a moment. Clearly, he had not understood. I drew breath as if I were about to wax and wane on a complex and beautiful subject, as if I were about to give to him the secrets of my soul and the logic for why I am alone. And I said simply, “No, but it sounded really cool.”

He blinked a few times and then tilted his head to the side. He finally worked up the courage to just simply ask me again, “So, really then, why are you single?”

I answered quickly this time, knowing full well that he and the world were wondering why I was single. It is important, after all, that I someday find myself wife and family, so that my lineage may pass on into the infinite future, likely creating silly and amusing stories for centuries to come.

And I answered him honestly, because I am nothing if not direct.

“I am single for one reason and one reason alone: I don't take time to ask out women. I wait for them to ask me out, or I flirt just enough to pique their interest but then go back to working long hours on my various commitments and personal interests. I spend my evenings at home or with male friends instead of going out and socializing.  I rarely if ever find the courage to ask anyone I enjoy out on a date, because I don't feel confident enough to do so most days. And I think, to be frank, that this is probably why most people are single. It's not because women 'friendzone' guys, and it's not because 'Nice guys finish last'. It's simply that we don't go out and ask anyone to date, and so don't actually date often enough to find the right person for a real relationship.  We never take the risks that dating requires, and so we never date."

My friend stared at me for a moment before admitting what he thought.  I might be paraphrasing a bit, but his response as I recall it was, “I think you might be right. And I think you just solved the ancient questions of why so many nice guys are single. I think you might have just figured out the secret to dating success....Brian, you're a genius, and amazing, and also handsome and funny."  Again, I might be paraphrasing, but that was the basic point of his response.

And with that, I solved the age old question...

Why do nice guys, quiet guys, nerdy guys, and shy guys never get dates?
Because they never ask anyone to go on a date. 

Suddenly, it seems pretty damned obvious.


Thanks for reading, and as always I suggest you leave a comment below or check out some of my other posts.  "Jerks Finish Last" and "Why Men Suck at Dating:  A Theory About Friendship" are related posts, so check those out first!

Thanks again for reading,
Brian, the Author guy.

Overly Protective Men of the World: Rejoice!

I'm naturally protective of the people in my life, particularly the women.   It's probably a bit old fashioned to admit, but when my sister (my senior by two years) dated a few guys back in the day, I liked to take them aside to give them 'the talk.' 

'The talk' is a very common and unpleasant affair.  Almost every guy at one point and time receives 'the talk' from someone's brother, or father.  Whenever a guy gets serious about a new girlfriend, 'the talk' will inevitably get passed along by someone who feels protective of her.  'The talk' usually starts with, "This isn't a threat, I just want to make sure you understand..." and ends with "and if you hurt her I will do unspeakable things to you, things so terrible they won't even know if it's your body." 

For me, I had the chance to deliver 'the talk' to a guy that seemed to not only respect what I said, but understand where I was coming from. It was several years ago now, and at the time my sister and Prince Charming had been dating for a few months, long enough that he was coming to meet her family. He was introduced and strutted around before us all (as every boyfriend eventually must be) and once he'd proven he was polite enough to gain my mom's approval and direct enough to gain my dad's respect, Prince Charming turned to my brother and I.  My brother, characteristically, gave him the stink eye and walked off. Trying to seem equally tough, I shook his hand unnecessarily hard and was just barely polite enough to seem friendly.  And, when my sister soon left the room, I quietly made some comment about 'I hope you're a nice guy, for her sake and your own'.  I was ready to leave with that introductory fragment of 'the talk' when Prince Charming shocked me....he actually had something to say in response.

Prince Charming put one hand on my shoulder, made quick eye-contact with me, and said "I love your sister, don't worry.  She's in good hands."

By addressing my concerns and by taking the time to go out of his way and talk to me, the little brother, Prince Charming won my respect as her boyfriend. At least as far as the first stage of familial acceptance goes, he'd passed with major success.

Dating is like winning at Mario:  If you beat one level, you still have to beat the rest of game!

For all of the protective and nervous brothers, fathers, friends, etc. that read this article, let me explain: I want to assuage your fears.  You see, it turns out that from time to time, the women in your life are going to find an amazing guy, a guy you WON'T have to threaten, and a guy you feel comfortable with the women of your life spending time with. 

For the women reading this article, if I seem like an old-fashioned idiot who doesn't think my sister can take care of herself, realize that I have NO DOUBTS about her ability to make good choices.  I also feel the need to try to protect her, anyway.  It's probably a bit of a caveman mentality but damnit, it's who I am and I love my sister too much to let her get hurt by a jerk I haven't at least threatened with violence.

But I've digressed long enough and have one more story about Prince Charming and my lovely sister to share. It's the tale of how Prince Charming went from being her boyfriend to being my own friend.

* * *

Several years ago my sister and I were visiting our family in Texas during a holiday break.  Prince Charming was there, and my parents decided that his presence deserved a photo-shoot of sorts.  So we went to a local park area and were set up into a few dozen cliched pictures, and were made to smile and pose like we were all having a rousing good time. It was a bit boring, but we endured because my mother loves her scrap-booking and it's not a tough request to spend a few hours helping her have a good time.  Eventually, however, my family decided that they wanted a really cute shot of myself, my sister, and Prince Charming in a giant old tree. 

Prince Charming, the thin and in-shape guy that he is, jumped into the crook of the tree about four feet off the ground and was just thin enough to squeeze into the V-shaped nook, and pull himself up.  I, on the other hand, lacked both the strength and size to get into the tree, and so I embarrassingly struggled for a few moments before backing up and muttering something about how I 'Didn't want to be in a stupid tree anyway'. I walked around to the back of the tree to see if there were other places to climb, and was quickly disappointed.  But now that I was out of the eye-line of my parents and thus not as easily embarrassed, Prince Charming decided he was going to be a pal and help me out.  He climbed into a stable position, thrust his arm down, and claimed he'd pull me up. 

Now, I'm a big guy.  I'm 6'2" and around 20 stone (that's old-fashioned speak for 'hard to lift into a tree'). So I didn't think that Prince Charming was going to be able to hoist me up.  But, I let him try, and with his help and my desperate scrambling, I actually managed to get into the tree.  And like a gentleman, Prince Charming didn't make a fuss about it. He didn't even tell anyone that I'd required his assistance to get into the tree.  He just moved on, like it wasn't a big deal.  At that moment, Prince Charming was more than just my sister's boyfriend, he became my future Brother-in-law.  A simple and seemingly insignificant gesture to help me avoid embarrassment about my size made him my friend, and he handled himself so nicely that he proved himself to me. You see, he wasn't just nice to me when he needed my approval, he was nice to me because he wanted to be nice to me.  That's not something I'm accustomed to finding from my sister's old boyfriends, so it was rather shocking. I thanked the Prince for his kindness, then I helped my sister into the tree as well, and we took a very cute family picture.

Sister in the middle of the tree, me on the far right, and prince charming on the left. 
My parents are posed in front.

Many of us guys see our friends or family members being courted by jerks.  We see our sisters flirting with douchebags, and we know in our heart of hearts that she'll eventually be crying and sad about how he's just another in a long line of men who will disappoint her. We see our female friends shaken by another failed relationship with king of the assholes, who tricked her into thinking he was a good guy.

However, from time to time we can get lucky. Yes, overly protective men of the world, from time to time,  the women in our lives will choose a guy that's absolutely perfect for her.  He'll have the right temperament, and disposition, and he'll love her unconditionally.  He might not be a flawless person, but he'll definitely be a flawless match.  If you're lucky, you might find that he's like Prince Charming is with me:  Family. Because when he shows that he'll look out for her AND be friends and kind to you, a guy proves that he's not sticking around for a short while.  He's sticking around for the long-haul. He can be your Prince Charming:  Family. And nothing says family like carrying my big-ass into a tree, just so we can take a perfect family photo.


Thanks for reading!  Leave a comment below or check out other stories on BB+B, like "How lightsabers defeated depression" or "Basketball and brotherhood:  Twin troubles".
I always love hearing your feedback, so make sure you fill out the poll on the right side of the page before you leave!

As always, keep reading and have a great day,
Brian, the Author guy

The Top 5 Male Role Models in Fiction

Movies, books, and television are more than mere entertainment; They can teach important lessons about life, and offer role models for us to follow. In a culture where a singer can be beloved after beating his girlfriend and it seems that every sports icon has had multiple tawdry affairs, men really need a positive role model, and that's where these fictional characters come in.

That's why today I've compiled a list of my Top 5 fictional male role models. It was hard to choose just a few, but the list below still manages to showcase characters who teach us to be better men.

If you haven't read the books, watched the series, or seen the movies, Spoilers ahead!

5: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, from the 'Harry Potter' series.

The #5 slot is Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, wielder of the Elder Wand, and both a funny and surprisingly powerful wizard.

Richard Harris and Michael Gambon turned
a storybook character into a cultural icon

Why He Makes The List

Albus Dumbledore is a guy whose talent and power had him running hand-in-hand with a villain known as Grindelwald, but when Dumbledore had to stand and be counted, Dumbledore made the tough choice to choose a life of virtue and meaning instead of malice and power. Dumbledore saves the world multiple times, protects and teaches thousands of young wizards and witches, and orchestrates the seemingly impossible overthrow of the dark wizard Voldemort (I mean....He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). He's honorable, loving, caring, and wise. He's the wizard's version of the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Chuck Norris, and Bill Nye the Science Guy all rolled into one long-and-magnificently-bearded form.

4: Gimli, son of Gloin, from 'The Lord of the Rings' series.

The #4 slot is Gimli, the axe-wielding, massively-bearded dwarven member of the Fellowship of the Ring.

John Rhys-Davies brought Gimli to life in film in an amazing performance

Why He Makes The List

Gimli deserves a place on this list for his personality alone: He's not just honorable, he's unflinching. When he's faced with insurmountable odds, he responds by surmounting the insurmountable...and then by kicking ass and taking names.  Gimli is the little voice in every man's heart that says “STAND FOR SOMETHING” whenever the rest of the world screams “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP”. Gimli makes friends with the race his people are supposed to hate (elves), makes peace with their beautiful queen and impresses her more than any mortal she'd ever previously met (that's Galadriel, the gorgeous but terrifying blonde in the films). Gimli is honorable, stalwart, brave, caring, and accepting. He is more interested in doing what's right than what's easy.

3: Indiana Jones, A.K.A. Dr. Henry Watson Jones, Jr. from the 'Indiana Jones' series.

The #3 slot is Dr. Jones, the whip-wielding Nazi-fighting professor of Archeology.

Because Harrison Ford decided that Han Solo wasn't enough

Why He Makes The List

Dr. Jones doesn't just sell his archeological finds back to a museum, he either gives them to museums for free or returns the objects to their rightful owners. This man finds some of the most amazing treasures in human history, he faces evil left and right, and he does it...for no reward at all. Male role models are often brutes, but Indy is more than just a tough right hook and clever catchphrases. Dr Jones is all about being smart, even if he does occasionally rely on his handsome looks and, well, tough right hook. Indiana Jones figures out ancient and unsolved clues, knows the history of pretty much every religion or country on Earth, and still teaches as a college professor. Indiana Jones shows men that intellect, perseverance, honor, and bravery can eventually win out over evil. And best of all? He shows bravery despite being afraid, teaching generations of people that bravery is about overcoming fear, not being fearless.

2: Captain Mal, A.K.A. Ship Captain (and also Sergeant) Malcolm Reynolds, from the cult television series 'Firefly'.

The #2 slot is Mal Reynolds, the ex-military spaceship captain who fought to save the galaxy from oppression.

Nathan Fillion made a hell of a space-cowby

Why He Makes The List

It might surprise some people to see a man who ends up being a thief in most of his film and television appearances on the list of top male role models. However, that might actually make Mal an even better role model. Malcolm Reynolds joined a war to save people from subjugation, even though he knew the fight was likely lost from the start. He pursued honor in all his dealings, and avoided harming the innocent even even when he had to commit crimes. He stood up for his crew time after time without question, and he showed millions of viewers that being a realistic hero doesn't necessarily mean you have to be a wimp. He understood forgiveness, a virtue that most of us never manage to master, and he showed mercy, when lesser men would have been consumed by hate.  Malcolm Reynolds risked life and limb time and again for a good cause, because that's just the right thing to do. He was a modern cowboy, in every sense of the term.

1: George Feeny, from the television series 'Boy Meets World'.

The #1 top slot for the male role model in fiction goes to Mr. Feeny, the teacher and neighbor of the main character in the 'Boy Meets World' series.

William Daniels taught us that a teacher could also be a life-long friend

Why He Makes The List

Mr. Feeny is the archetype other shows, books, and movies base their teachers on. He's stiff, distant, and yet somehow also the perfect teacher. When his students gets manipulated by a con-man? George Feeny shows up to defend them. When someone's parent dies, it's George Feeny in the waiting room, ready to listen. As the series closed, after years of avoiding ever breaking the ever-important boundary between friend and teacher, he waits until he's all alone to tearfully admit “I love you all”, a moment of television that to this day gives me goose-bumps. Feeny protected children from criminals and manipulators, he gave everyone the fair chance at success regardless of their personality or background, and he taught more than simply academics (though apparently he could teach any academic subject to any age group with expert skill). He was a widower, ex-Navy, ultra intellectual who knew more than anyone ever seemed to realize. If there's someone every male should aspire to be, it's George Feeny.  He was intelligent, wise, careful, and precise and yet never wavered as a friend of confidant.
For the reasons already listed and for thousands of reasons more, Mr. Feeny is the #1 best male role model in fiction.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!  Do you have your own top 5 list?  Is there someone you think deserves to be listed here? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in a comment below, and check out some other similar posts from BB+B, like "Books and Movies, Meeting the Perfect Match" and "5 Behaviors Everyone Hates (And How They Should be Punished)"

Thanks!
-Brian, the Author Guy

Thanksgiving Memories: The Good, the Bad, and the Tasty

If your family is anything like most middle class families, you annually gather with your family to spend your holidays gorging on incredibly delicious (but fattening) foods a loving relative spent hours preparing. Usually the delectable treats quickly disappear in a nearly infinite vacuum of distended stomachs and elastic pants, before the post-feast fun and family together-time begins. You enjoy some football, or a movie with the family, before heading to bed to get up and head out to Black Friday for the best supposed “Holiday” sales. In any case, it's probably a nice time of year.

Personally, I'm not usually a holiday person. Frankly I'm also not much of a shopper, either. Judging from these and many other factors, it probably seems like the whole Thanksgiving thing must be lost on me.

Luckily, it's not.

When I was growing up, every year my family headed to my grandparents' house to catch up with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents for a few hours before eating the incredible foods my grandmother managed to cook in prodigious quantities. After eating our own body weights in stuffing, potatoes, and perfectly tender turkey we'd all slowly meander out of the dining room and sit down in the den, where the uncles watched football with Grandpa. My cousins, siblings, and I would run around in the back yard or pretend to know the rules to billiards as we shot pool in the basement. Family time would commence until it got late enough for everyone to either head to bed or drive home, depending on how far away each family unit lived.

Thanksgiving was a chance to say hello to family, eat wonderful food, and take a break from the impending Midwest winters. It was a chance to remember that you are connected to people all around the country. Thanksgiving gave my extended family a chance to get together for restful and loving family fun.

They all look so happy! (Yes, it's from television, because
it's hard to actually find happy thanksgiving pictures!)

Now, if I were to be totally honest, I'd admit that getting together for the holidays is also sometimes less than fun. I'd tell the story of when my brother and sister got stomach aches from the food one year and got sick in the car. Or I'd tell the story about the year I got sick within minutes of getting to my grandparents' house, and spent the rest of Thanksgiving in a bathroom. Hell, if I wanted to focus on the negative, I'd talk about how it's impossible to get the family together without someone saying something racist, sexist, or some other form of bigoted enough for the politically correct factions of the family to correct them until an argument breaks out.

In fact, if I'm being honest, it's easy to see why lots of BAD things are associated with holdays too. Suicide, depression, all the nasty junk that comes along with winter also happens to coincide with Holidays. It's easy to get cynical and pessimistic as the holidays approach. I mean, how many television shows have used the stereotypical “Families fight during the holidays” joke to fill an episode or two a year? Or how many procedural crime dramas have had someone die during the holiday rush, only to spend a full episode focusing on the dangers of “Black Friday” shopping?

Nothing says "Happy holidays" like getting trampled
to death buying a new video game console!

I choose to focus though, on the positive, and I hope you do too. As Thanksgiving approaches, focus on the time you get to spend with your parents. Focus on the time you get to spend with siblings. Focus on the feeling of thankfulness you have instead of the 50% off deals at the nearest outlet store in the morning. Instead of worrying that another helping of stuffing will be against your diet plans for the week, take a moment to look around at what you've accomplished in 2012, and what you hope to accomplish in 2013. Take a moment, this thanksgiving, to legitimately give thanks.

In that spirit, I'd like to close today's post with a list of the things I'm thankful for this past year.

My family (Minus my brother, he's taking the picture
....and might kill me if I put his picture on my blog)

MY LIST OF THANKFULNESS:

• I'm thankful for another year of graduate school finished. I'm 3 semesters in and hoping to finish in 2 more.
• I'm thankful for my siblings, both my dour and sometimes gruff Army Ranger brother (he means well!) to my bubbly and energetic musician of a sister (who to this day calls me by a silly but endearing childhood nickname).
• I'm thankful for my parents, and the help they offer their friends and family in terms of every kind of support they offer us. They're truly wonderful parents, and I'm fortunate to have them.
• I'm thankful for the experiences I've had in Alaska: Life is tough in the frozen north, but it's also something of a gift. Nowhere else I've lived has offered me so many unique opportunities, from skiing to fleeing from a rutting moose.
• I'm thankful for my readers, you guys have been great. I only started this blog back in late winter and early spring, and we're up to over a thousand views each month! You guys are wonderful, and I appreciate you a great deal. 
• And a WHOLE LOT more!

Enjoy the holiday, and check back for more BB+B goodness soon!
Thanks,
Brian, the Author Guy.

Check out other fun stories from BB+B, such as "Shut Your Trap and Sing!" and "Beards are Beautiful."

Too Cold VS. Too Hot: Let's Compare

Everywhere in the world small talk is the same: You whine about the weather.

Let's examine a stereotypical conversation about the weather, overheard between "Norman Normal" and "Allen Average", who can be from anywhere at all but still sound the same.

It starts with the cliche, "Crazy weather we've been having, right?" and is followed by the response, "Well, you know what they say:  (Location anywhere on planet Earth) has unpredictable weather. If you don't like it, wait an hour, it'll change! Weather man is always wrong!"
Someone tries to spice the discussion up with a complaint: "I hate either the winter or summer here, it's too cold or hot!"  Everyone agrees, with the caveat that, "Sure, but whichever of those two seasons you didn't mention is great!"

And there you have small talk in every country on the planet.

It's either too hot or too cold, damnit!
Or if you're in the Midwestern US, it's both.

I've lived and worked all around the country. In Texas and Alaska, Indiana and California the same conversations played out every single day, all year long, no matter where I've been.

In the defense of southerners, in my experiences Texas can be unbearably hot.  At 110 degrees some days during the summer, it's 20 to 30 degrees too hot for comfort (assuming that around 65-85 degrees F is comfortable for most people). It never goes below 80 in August, and every southerner spends their days sipping iced tea and wishing for winter to return.

Texans generally argue they're just as 'hot' as Alaska is 'cold'

I'd like to now compare that problematic heat to problematic cold, and make a nice statement about how it's always going to be too hot for some and too cold for others.  But I can't compare southern heat and northern cold. They're not comparable.

I've lived in both places, and Texas heat and Alaskan cold aren't even in the same league. Alaska isn't 20 or 30 degrees too COLD for comfort like Texas is 20 or 30 degrees too hot.  It's 100 degrees, or more with the wind chill. I live in Fairbanks, and we know what cold can really mean.

Winter here isn't short like southern summers.  Sure, 4 months or even 5 in a bad year of 90+ degrees must be tough but imagine instead that it was 8 or 9 months, from September through May. Maybe you'll be on the right track to understand Alaskan winters.

What I know is that supposedly 110 degrees is 'unbearably hot'.  So what's the 'unbearable' cold comparison?  Realize that I have regularly worked at my job outdoors at -50 degrees Fahrenheit, with a personal record of -95 windchill. That's 160 DEGREES TOO COLD FOR PERSONAL COMFORT, not 30 degrees too hot. 

For Texas to be as hot as Alaska is cold, the equivalent disparity would require Texas to easily boil water all summer (Texas would have to be around 245 degrees).  Clearly, we're not talking about the same thing when we complain about weather anymore.

It's a school tradition to strip to your skivvies at -40.  The Texas Equivalent would have to be wearing long johns, 4 layers of sweaters, snow-pants and a snowsuit inside a boiling hot Sauna. I doubt that's a U of Texas tradition.

So, please everyone listen:  Stop thinking that where you live is 'too hot' or 'too cold'.  The odds are that it's not that bad.

As winter approaches, my family and friends load their facebooks with complaints about the weather. "It's freezing outside!" and "BRRRR, I'm not going outside until spring!" were two helpful statuses this morning that I looked at while watching my Thermometer waver between -20 and -30 for the third week in a row.

In fairness, during this past summer I complained about the 90 degree days where I worked outside on my research projects in safety gear (2 layers of non-breathable plastic to prevent pesticides and chemical treatments from getting on my skin). To make amends for my unfair complaint about heat, I hereby apologize to my southern brethren. I should have realized that 90 degrees in safety gear is hot, but nowhere near as hot as 110 or even 120 in some places down south.

In exchange for my apology, though, I expect you to give me the same sort of respect. Don't complain about 40 degrees.  That's not even freezing yet. Don't complain about 30.  That's practically summertime for Alaska.  Don't even complain about 0 degrees, that's just not going to cut it.

If you want to complain about cold, it has to be at least "Alaska cold".  The idea of "Cold" stopped at -20 degrees.  Now, it's "Alaska cold".  And Alaska is frigid, and icy, and perhaps even glacial.  Frankly, it's arctic and sub-arctic and down right colder than a hug from an ex-girlfriend at her wedding. It's so cold your eyes can ice open and your car's gasoline freezes solid.

So the next time someone tries to whine about the weather when we make small talk, I'm not going to accept their complaint, and respond in kind. Instead, I'm going to give them a long and verbose lecture about what "Cold" really means.  How about instead, we all try something else out as a topic for small talk.  Sports teams?  Politics? Skip the small talk all together? 

I don't really care any way you go, so long as it avoids complaining about the weather. I assure you, I'm well aware of the cold weather. You don't need to bring it up.

I know it's cold...no need to tell me.

Thanks for reading guys!  Have a great week!
-Brian, the Author Guy.

If you want to check out other stories and posts on BB+B, check out "Fat People Have Superpowers"
 or "Kid Rules to Improve the World"


The idea for this post was inspired by Allie Brosh's HILARIOUS post on her well-known comedy blog "Hyperbole and a Half" where she redefined the pain-scale used by doctors.  It's hilarious, and you should go check it out. 

How I Lost the Ultimate Rivalry

When I was younger, I had a best friend.  He's asked not to be mentioned by name, so I'll simply refer to him as Luigi, the counterpart to my own identity in this analogy as Mario.

We're like this, except we also sort of hate each other.
No, wait, that's probably true in Mario too.

Luigi and I have always been rivals.  It's not a purposeful rivalry, but it is a sincerely felt contention between the two of us. We've been competing since we met.  I liked to sing, but Luigi did too.  I liked video games, and Luigi had his own gaming passions.  In anything I excelled, Luigi was right at my level, or close enough in skill to be basically indistinguishable. We were two very competitive peas in a winner-take-all pod.

In high school, I was simply better than Luigi.  I didn't know him as well then as I do today, but we were at least friendly enough to be rivals of a sort. If he got a minor role in a play, I got a slightly larger one.  When he became the head of his high school choir's bass and tenor sections, I became a TA to my school's freshmen choir. When he took 4 advanced placement courses, I took 5. When we reached ahead for college, I was certain I had secured my place as the proper Mario of the story.

Luigi, strangely, seemed to agree.

I went to DePauw University in Indiana, a top tier little liberal arts college, while Luigi went to a state school, larger in size but lesser in prestige.

Doesn't DePauw just scream "Quaint but still academically serious"?

I double majored in English and Biology and grabbed a minor in Philosophy.  I held down multiple work-study and part-time jobs, helped run a fraternity, and managed to get out with a reasonable GPA. Luigi changed his major 5 times, got a mediocre GPA, and had nothing else going on outside of his schoolwork. I was certain I was ahead.  I was winning the rivalry, and there was little chance of that changing.

I headed off after graduation to Graduate school here in Alaska.  I spend my time doing research or class work, or teaching undergraduates the basics of biology as a TA.  I spend my time often facing the most beautiful nature the country has to offer here in the frigid north, and I take regular pictures of the caribou, moose, or auroras that let Luigi know that my experience is impressive, and worthy of praise. 

Luigi headed off to a mediocre job as a pharmaceutical lab technician, after finally choosing pre-med as a major but failing to get into medical schools anywhere in the country.  I was ready to declare myself eternal champion when I found that out, but held off for reasons unknown.

That crappy job Luigi had after graduating?  It was working on medicine to deal with allergies, nothing special or exciting.  Luigi got fired within a month or two of starting his work, and had to find another lab-tech job somewhere else. So, he applied at a dozen or more places, was regularly turned down month after month, until last month when he finally (a year after trying to find a job) was hired.

Luigi is now helping a research team that is working on a treatment for a specific form of pediatric cancer.

Suddenly 'Alaska' seems strangely boring and mundane.

Now, every time I talk to Luigi, he gets to end the call with a winning statement.  "Anyhow," he'll say, his voice dripping with a braggart's self-importance, "I have to run."

As I'm obligated to do by the rules of our rivalry, I will ask the question I don't want to ask, "Oh, where are you headed?"

Luigi will take a second and breathe deeply, savoring his victory.  I can almost hear his face contorting wickedly and yet happily as he then breathily lets out a simple reply. "I'm off to help cure pediatric cancer," and like the glorious bastard he is, he'll end the call with another prod at my ego, and end saying, "so enjoy the snow and moose of Alaska!  Got to run, though, because that cancer isn't going to cure itself."  Luigi then hangs up the phone and leaves me to think.

I think I hate him, but I also think...Luigi is winning. He isn't doing important research himself.  he basically cleans the test tubes and sample dishes, and occasionally he gets to hand someone important and educated a tool they'll use in their own work.  He doesn't understand much of the science he's doing, and he has no idea how anything he does benefits the research team.  But that's not important.  The important thing is that Luigi is working on the team.  While my research might help some animals and a few people, and might have implications about changing climate, all I can say is that my immediate work is towards a graduate degree.  All I can say is that I'm on an adventure in Alaska.  Luigi gets to say he works to cure cancer.  And not just any cancer, he works to cure cancer in children, the most emotionally gripping of all cancers.

So today, I admit defeat.  I don't imagine myself ever discovering something so profoundly important in nature that I will be able to defeat Luigi's claim to fame.  I don't think I will be able to win this rivalry, unless he gets fired.  Even if he does, I won't be allowed to gloat because that's just one less person working on a cure for cancer, and that's not something to celebrate.

Today, I step out of the ring.  It might not be my favorite ending, but the conclusion has come nonetheless. If I argue or fight, I still lose, because I'm arguing or fighting with someone who is trying to cure cancer. It's too serious for me to joke about and too emotional for me to ignore.  I'm forced to withdraw from the competition, unable to see where we eventually might go.

Congratulations Luigi: Today, you get to finally be Player 1.  Today, Luigi gets to be Mario.

Congratulations, you S.O.B.

Thanks for reading!  If you enjoyed, check out other stories in the column to the right.
Leave a comment or question below and I'll get back to you! 
Sincerely,Brian, the Author guy

Unleash the Nerd Within

When I was in middle school and high school, I was regularly teased for being a nerd. Heck, I'd bet that most of us were teased as kids and even young adults, and taught that being a nerd or anything remotely related to one ("dweeb", "dork", "geek" etc) was a bad thing. It makes kids everywhere feel embarrassed and ashamed.

People who openly identify as nerds feel pretty differently about the title. To us, being a nerd means being single-mindedly focused, aggressively passionate about a specific subject or two, and being intelligent. Not exactly a bad identity to hold on to.

Maybe those 2 conflicting opinions explain why the top two definitions for nerd are:
1) "A foolish or contemptible person who lacks social skills or is boringly studious"
and
2) "An intelligent, single minded expert in a particular technical discipline or profession."

Today we change the order of the two definitions above.  Today, we redefine the term.  Today, the nerds of the world take control over our own destiny.

Let's show the world why people like these guys are incredible

Taking control of the word, and learning to be proud is very simple.  All you need to do is unleash the nerd within.  Let him or her out of the cage.  Read your favorite book, or go to your favorite comic shop, or re-watch your favorite movie.  Stop feeling embarrassed about your favorite nerdy hobby and start flaunting it.

Nerds are the luckiest people on Earth. They know what they like and have friends who share their interests. Nerds are more interested in why Bill Nye chooses a bow-tie than why Kim Kardashian is still famous.  Nerds ignore the antics of the 'Jersey Shore' cast, except to wonder about the long term consequences of so much skin tanning. We can all agree that's a good thing.

This meme popped up and all I could think was:  Wow, nerds made the right choice.

Unleash the nerd within.  Watch 'Firefly', instead of 'Honey-boo boo'. Read Tolkien, not Palin.  Study how the universe works, and learn every damned thing you can about every damned interesting subject you can get your hands on. Find what you love, and stick to it like a leech (of the family Hirunidea, because my own nerd-specialty is Biology).

When I was growing up I was embarrassed to be a nerd.  I played video games non-stop, but pretended I was interested in football.  I read books so obsessively, my parents had to take away my flashlights so I'd go to bed before midnight. But I grew up and out of that fear.  I let my nerd-hood carry me to a great college, double majors, and a minor.  My nerd-hood made me study seals and sea lions on a tropical island. Admitting and accepting my nerd-hood let me do incredible, fun, and exciting things. I sincerely hope that being a Nerd helps you to do the same.

Not to be cliche, but: Some men just want to watch the world learn.

Unleash the nerd within.  You'll be amazed how cool being uncool can be.

Regional Stereotypes: Uncomfortably Accurate

When I was growing up, I remember hearing all the stereotypes imaginable about different places in the United States.  I was taught them mostly out of a need to communicate how much a given individual felt disdain for other individuals.  "That's a bible belt-er, you can tell because he's both fat and angry" and "That guy sounds pretty pretentious.  How much do you want to bet he's from New York?"

By the time I was a teenager, I was pretty convinced I had the rest of the country figured out: Texas was full of rednecks, the east coast were all a bunch of angry liberals with high minded ideals and a fascination with pretentious art, the west coast was full of hippies and stoners, and the midwest was full of corn, alcoholics, and people who weren't Christian enough to stay down south but still wanted to be religious. 

I'd like to mention that this is also how most presidential campaigns seem to view the US.
And was probably drawn by someone from California.

You'll notice, of course, that Hawaii and Alaska aren't even pictured in the above picture. Now, if they were, they'd probably be labeled 'Asians and surfing' and 'Eskimos and Discovery Channel TV series' respectively. Maybe just 'Where people honeymoon' and 'Crab Fishermen'. 

So, when I grew up I liked to apply these ideas to how I saw people living.  People in the midwest, northeast, and Alaska understood winter. People in the south probably didn't go outside for their entire summer out of fear of dehydration.  People in the west were either too cowboy to care or too high to notice (I imagined that as you went from the center of the US westward you basically were traveling along a gradient of pot-smoking culminating in California).  When I headed off to college I got to know a lot of people from very different parts of the country and even globe, and I started to try to apply my prejudices accordingly. 

After having now spent at least some time in most areas of the country, it turns out that while I was not wholly accurate, I certainly was not far from the truth. 

It turns out that the south really doesn't go outside during much of summer.  My family in Texas describes a Texan summer as roughly as enjoyable as a steam bath on Mercury (That's hot, by the way). Growing up in Illinois taught me that yes, Chicago politics are pretty crooked.  When I worked in Wisconsin, people really were oddly possessive and proud of their cheese.  Working in California legitimately involved watching people giggle and roll in the sand while seals and sea lions frolicked merrily in the water.  Here in Alaska, it's -25 by the end of October and getting frostbite isn't so much a possibility as it is a likely event.  All of my assumptions were pretty much true.

The problem is, I was taught that stereotypes are bad.  Sure, I was taught that in the context of 'Don't be racist' and 'don't be sexist', but it seemed to be a pretty good lesson in the rest of my life too.  I was told over and over that if I was stereotyping I was being unfair. Even today I try to pretend that when I visit Texas that I'm not surrounded by dangerously conservative Christian zealots.  I try to pretend that my friends from Minnesota aren't so nice they're practically doormats (SIDE NOTE: It must be amazing to live in a state where the main stereotype is they're tough as nails and friendlier than a care bear).  

However as the election season progressed and I saw how my friends lined up politically, I was un-surprised. Frankly, I was bored by it.  Even my previously middle-of-the-ground family in Texas started showing signs of oddly aggressive conservatism.  Suddenly my regional stereotypes map started to shift towards a more politically oriented bias, instead of merely looking at weather and demeanor.

This one included Alaska and Hawaii because I now have lived in Alaska and understand it much better.

I hope that this realization doesn't offend too badly.  In truth, I know that these are just stereotypes, and individuals vary wildly within even closely similar political groups.  I know that Illinois is more than a single city, and I know that Tennessee is more than alcohol and poverty.  But I also know that, as election season has trudged on, each state has done an admirable job of being exactly what you expect it to be if you're using a stereotype. 

In the end of 2012, and as we head into 2013, I'm going to be very interested in seeing how the recent political strife affects our country.  I am interested in understanding, for example, why Arizona suddenly seems more racist than I remember when growing up (When I was a kid, my grandfather who lived in Arizona was pretty darned tolerant....so was he the exception to the rule, or did Arizona change?).

In 2013 we're going to have a lot on our plates. Climate change is going to get bigger in our minds because, well, it's becoming more apparent.  The strife generated by this election cycle is going to stir up change.  And if we're lucky, it might even break some of the stereotypes.  After all, in 2008 Indiana voted blue.  Maybe by 2016 their stereotype won't be 'corn and poverty'.  Maybe, JUST MAYBE, it could be 'Corn, Poverty, and Education' or something nice like that. 

I don't know about you, but when I look at the stereotype map and don't see places known for 'education' or 'friendliness' or 'accepting other people', I look at a map I'd like to see change.  

Except for Minnesota.  They're pretty good already. 

Thanks for reading.  Check out some other fun thoughts on BB+B like "What The Hell Happened To Republicans" and "Kid Rules to Improve the World"

Thanks for reading!
Brian, the Author Guy

How to Master and Defeat the "Awkward Pause"

Aside from being the greatest name for a band ever,  (seriously, "The Awkward Pause" sounds awesome, and they'd come on stage, play the first chord, wait a full minute in silence and then start their songs....it sounds amazing) the awkward pause is one of the most common discomforts experienced in basic conversation. It happens when someone says the wrong thing, looks the wrong way, runs out of things to say, misspeaks or stutters, farts or burps, or even just approaches the wrong person.
There is, however, a mastery to the awkward pause.  Today, I'm going to teach you how to master the awkward pause, derive amusement from it, and have it as a weapon in your conversational arsenal. If you study carefully and apply these skills, you too will be able to turn any uncomfortable silence into a hilarious moment of catharsis. 

Identifying the Awkward Pause:

An awkward pause does not have a set amount of time.  As a rule, however, any time the lull in conversations is longer than around 3 seconds, you've entered the awkward zone.  Unlike the twilight zone, this is a well known and documented and understood phenomena, with very simple rules and attributes.

First, an awkward pause is never initiated on purpose.  If it is then one partner in the conversation is probably trying to be funny, and that's not a true awkward pause, that's just a bad joke.  A real awkward pause is spontaneous, uncomfortable, and easily identifiable.  The symptoms are well know: the sudden onset of 'failure to make eye contact' and 'uncomfortable throat clearing', or the ever frightening 'panicked giggling'. Furthermore, fidgeting and constantly readjusting your physical position are also associated with the awkward pause, and are a beginner's attempts to break the discomfort.  After today, you'll be able to do more than tie your shoes and make strange noises; you'll be able to make it funny and charming.

Notice the lack of eye contact, the fidgeting, the oddly blown up lips
and sudden lean away as if trying to escape the discomfort.

Breaking the Awkward Pause:

It is never a good idea to break an awkward pause quickly.  Suddenly blurting out the first thing to come to mind leads to awkward moments.  For example, I once accidentally asked somoene when her baby was due without realizing she wasn't pregnant.  I tried to break the silence quickly by blurting my first thoughts but all I managed to manage was "Not because you're fat, I was complimenting your boobs!" Truly, a terrible reaction to awkwardness.

Further common beginner mistakes include trying to seem clever, by pointing out that the situation is awkward, or uncomfortable.  I myself used this technique rather often in my college years, and managed to gain the nickname "Awkward Brian" from a half dozen floormates in my freshman dorm. Believe me when I say that shrugging and stretching the work "Awkward" into five or more syllables doesn't actually improve the situation. To break an awkward pause requires charm and quick thinking, or at least pretending to be charming, and having a plan so you don't have to ad-lib.

Try something very simple to start: Smile like you mean it.  Give the opposite party a grin and no matter how poorly you handle the silence, you're likely to at least get sympathy. When you appear uneasy, the situation becomes uneasy.  Remember, nothing is awkward until you let it be awkward. If the smile isn't enough and you can't think of a GOOD way to get back on topic, sometimes the best solution is to change the subject in a funny way.  Self deprecating humor, or sarcastic cliches actually work well here. If I had been quicker, instead of talking about the overweight woman's breasts, I might have said "Wow, with my foot so far in my mouth I can taste my socks, and I apparently need to do laundry."  That would have given me a chance to walk away and disengage while also making it clear that I meant no offense.  If you're sticking with cliches, you can put on a sarcastic voice and say, "AND HOW ABOUT THAT LOCAL SPORTS TEAM!" or "So...the weather sure is...weather-y lately?"  If you do this, you're basically telling your conversation partner that you feel awkward, but you don't have to actually articulate it and make it more uncomfortable.  Also, by using cliches instead of a clever thought you come up with on the spot you won't somehow accidentally say anything worse.  Believe me, if you think it's bad calling a woman pregnant when she's not, you haven't seen bad until you follow it up by talking about her breasts.

The key to breaking the Awkward Pause is charm and wit, and if you lack either (as most of us lack at least one if not both) then pretending with a smile and self deprecation is almost as good.

Wow, he just can't catch a break on the awkward-pause party train.

Handling Train-wrecks:

Sometimes, you screw up even though you seem prepared.  Sometimes, you try to comment on the weather and instead of seeming cute you sound even more awkward.  Sometimes you might try to recover from the awkwardness and make it so much worse that it seems like you can't recover.

To give a perfect example, we turn back to my own life.  As a self proclaimed master of awkwardness, I've found myself in a number of uncomfortable 'train-wreck' awkward pauses.  In college I once told a girl I had a crush on her, and she responded by explaining that she was a lesbian. Trying to be cute I said, "Well, can we at least agree that women are hot?" I gave her a smile and chuckled.  She responded by telling me that she was still 'in the closet' and that this wasn't something to laugh about.  I managed to dig an even deeper hole by saying, "Well I was just trying to break the tension" and having her respond with "So now you're blaming me for making you feel uncomfortable?" 

Basically, in a situation where you have no out you need to create one.  Sometimes, the best solution is just to leave the conversation.  In my case I just said, "Sorry, I don't mean offense." That simple statement allowed me to leave the room without feeling any worse.  Further, it took the blame off my shoulders. Suddenly, I wasn't being inconsiderate, I just wasn't sure what to say and didn't want to sound mean.  I got to move on without being a jerk.

If you're in a true train-wreck of awkwardness you have to choose between getting out with SOME dignity, or trying to dig yourself out of a hole, and as the logic there implies, the more you dig the worse you'll be. Sometimes, the only way out is to just leave.  Don't wait around until you're so uncomfortable that even leaving becomes too uncomfortable.

Jerry Seinfeld KNOWS awkwardness.  Trust his judgment. 

Salvaging the Situation:

If you've managed to break the awkward silence without offending anyone or robbing yourself of any and all confidence, the next step is salvaging the situation.  You have to figure out how to get the conversation restarted, or back on track in some way. If you've stuck the situation out, then you must think it's possible to recover, otherwise you'd have left in shameful disgrace as mentioned in the 'train-wreck' section above.

I find that faking forgetfulness works wonders.  "Before I put my foot in my mouth, what were you saying?" is a personal favorite but I never underestimate the awkward clap and plea for "Let's both pretend I didn't say anything, shall we?"  By asking a question or actively seeming forgetful you make it so that the conversation is now in your opponent's lap.  They have to respond in some way, and usually they're going to respond by trying to move forward.

If fake forgetfulness doesn't work, completely ignoring the awkwardness can work too.  When I had a close friend loudly fart during a meeting with my boss, I chose to break the silence by asking my boss, "So what's the plan for tomorrow's meeting?" I made it so that my boss would have to be the 'guilty party' if he wanted to bring the conversation back; if he wanted to ask about the horrific, nose burning smell, the awkwardness would now be his fault, instead of mine or my pal's. This is the best solution in professional or formal settings because protocol dictates that if someone wants to ignore a problem, it's rude to bring any attention to it. So if you ever fart, belch, swear, or accidentally stare at the privates of a coworker or employer, remember that ignoring the situation and pretending nothing happened is probably the best choice.

The "Awkward Pause" Master:

Now the only thing left is for you to try using these skills for real.  Just remember that almost any situation can be diffused with a smile, and that awkwardness is only a matter of perspective.  If you act like it's not awkward, most of the time the situation will seem less awkward. Also remember the strategies discussed for diffusing discomfort, such as changing the subject, or self deprecating humor.  And, if all else fails remember this:
If the situation is truly insolvable and you are already in deep, do something horrifically uncomfortable and odd like dancing "Gangnam Style" and dancing away singing 'Hey sexy lady'. Sure it will still be awkward, but you get to ALSO be hilarious, like an awkward pause master!

Funny and awkward is better than unfunny and awkward any day of the week.

The Ten Commandments of Science

It's often been claimed that scientists are more likely to be atheists than any other profession.  (Read the evidence for this claim here!)
I'm not here to agree or disagree, nor am I here to support or not support this idea. However, it has been suggested, since scientists don't have religion quite as often as many other people, that they lack an understanding of many ideas like the 10 commandments (a judeo-christian set of rules supposedly put down by God and taught by Moses to his followers).  It turns out that I AGREE!  And that's why I've put together the following new, science oriented ten commandments, for those who are more earthly focused, and less spiritually driven. Without further fanfare I present:

 The Ten Commandments of Science

1) Thou shalt put no other beliefs before what can be tested by experimentation.

This is probably pretty simple for most scientists. Basically, don't put your own personal beliefs ahead of what's testable and repeatable.  If you don't have evidence for it and you can't support your theory empirically, then you shouldn't follow that theory.  If someone makes a claim, you need to see how it's been studied, or researched. As I mentioned in my long older series, "5 Reasons it Sucks to be a Scientist", it's hard to trust data you yourself didn't see collected or analyzed.  Remember, part of being a scientist is being evidence driven. That's why you should always seek out evidence! A good scientist follows the evidence, not their biased beliefs.

2) Thou shalt not assume

Science is built on the idea that for anything to be considered fact, it must be based on sound principles that we understand and can repeatedly replicate.  Never make an assumption as a scientist unless you have a good explanation that supports your assumption. That's why every paper written in Nature or Science (well known science journals) spends the first half of the article outlining every detail of background information that you need to assume to reach the same conclusions the researchers have.  In science, assumptions are bad, and more importantly, dangerous.  A scientist should be thorough and detailed before even STARTING to ask a question, and a good scientist never assumes.

3) Thou shalt not call evidence 'proof'

How many times does a scientist get asked if they can PROVE their research is real?  How often does a media giant call a specialized scientist onto the airwaves just to ask him, "What did you prove?"
This is foolish because most smart scientists would have to answer, "Nothing!"  Science gives evidence, and science supports ideas and theories.  A scientific law is a set of theories that has sufficient support to be nearly proven, but in truth science has to admit that even the things it considers facts are often not true facts...they're just the best approximation we can make. Science doesn't deal in absolutes (we leave that to the Sith), it deals in evidence.  Never claim to have 'proof'. All you really have is evidence to support one possible theory.

4) Remember to keep the mind fresh with diverse studies and rest

I'm  not just saying this to keep up the symmetry between the original 10 commandments on the scientist's ten commandments:  I'm serious in saying that every scientist needs to know when to stop chasing their tail.  Sometimes, when you take a break, the answer comes to you.  Remember the famous story of the phrase 'Eureka'? Archimedes, the famous ancient scientist and inventor, was stepping into a bath and saw water rise, and suddenly had an understanding about displacement that allowed him to accurately measure the volume contained within complex shapes. Or the story of Newton and the apple? Science requires the mind to be in ideal shape, which is impossible if you don't take care of your brain, and keep your mind in good shape. Those stories are about scientists who made major discoveries not by spending all day working, but by taking a break, and studying more than one tiny aspect of a field. A good scientist understands this, and knows that sometimes the key to science is to let it ruminate and study many other sciences, instead of forcing new ideas in one small discipline.

5) Respect the science of the past, even as you pass it by

Science is a cumulative study.  No modern discovery happens without ages and ages of work having been done on every piece of the modern theory.  That's why it's important that every scientist remember to read up and understand the basics and basis of modern scientific beliefs.  If you understand how the basic laws have been discovered or clarified within science, perhaps a better understanding of more complex laws can be put in place.It's been said that a scientist is a man reaching the sky while standing on the shoulders of giants.  That's true: Everything we learn today would be impossible without the giant scientific minds of the past, and no theory can be complete without always looking at the original works, and accounting for what is already known, before discussing what COULD be known. All modern scientists are only as good as the science that came before them. A good scientist understands the basics, and where they came from, before moving on to new theories, so make sure you know your basics!

6) Thou shalt not falsify data

Science asks for the truth, not the coolest or most trendy theory. Recently a small group of climate scientists falsified data as well as reported only parts of  their data.  We've all read about this from time to time, and it's an ideal way to make this commandment's point clear: Once SOME science cannot be trusted, ALL science gets doubted.  It's better to publish absolute failures and weak data than to make anything up.  Science, as I've said above, requires strong and accurate foundations, and if you lie, everything that comes after that is suddenly a lie, and void.  The science of climate change took an enormous blow when a small number of folks lied.  Suddenly, all the REAL research, the TRUE data, and the OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE that man is impacting climate over time became something to doubt.  When a scientist lies, they're not just making their own data worthless, but they're tearing down the idea that science is about truth.  A good scientist will NEVER falsify their data, even if that means they fail to produce useable results.

7) Thou shalt cite evidence

Making claims in a scientific paper requires citations.  That's why research papers get so long, and complicated!  A scientist should have that in mind even in daily discussion, or when writing on facebook, or social media.  Every time that you make a claim, unless you know where you got your information, you're taking a big risk.  A good scientist always cites their sources, and can then show their evidence to back up the subsequent claims. Never take something for granted; cite your sources and find supporting evidence every time you make a claim.  It'll help you a great deal in the long run.

8) Thou shalt not plagiarize

Perhaps more important than having evidence is having ACCURATE evidence. Stealing someone else's research, misquoting it, or using it incorrectly is one of the biggest no-no's in all of science.  Obviously, when you're using citations to make your point it's important that you use the right citations.  Further, using someone's information without citations prevents anyone from checking your background information, or even being able to really buy into your story.  A real scientist will NEVER allow themselves to plagiarize, whether it's by citing incorrectly, or not citing someone else at all. That's stealing or lying, and I'm relatively certain even the original ten commandments had something to say about that.

9) Thou shalt not refute a claim without just cause

Theories don't always agree.  In biology, for example, research sometimes disagrees with other research: That doesn't necessarily make one paper wrong and one right. Oftentimes a single published result comes out and upsets everyone because it somehow refutes all known facts or theories...but the new hip theory almost never holds up to intense scrutiny or multiple examinations.  Fox News recently got noticed for posting the claim that global warming had been shown to be 'over', somehow.  That's because they saw one tiny piece of one tiny paper, and decided that any evidence against the prevailing theory was the same as PROOF that the existing theory is wrong.  That's like seeing a plane in the sky and debunking gravity!  But just because you don't understand how a new point of view works with the old doesn't make the old theory suddenly untrue. Remember:  Science is about evidence.  Until you've got enough evidence to make a complete case, perhaps it's not the right time to go to the jury looking for a new verdict.

10) Thou shalt not keep data hidden, or restrict its use

Most modern science is paid for by the governments of the world, especially when you mean 'science' to include more than just 'health and wellness' related science.  Sure, companies might be altering medicine, but governments are altering the rest of the scientific world.  Withholding data, or refusing to publish your data, is basically stealing that knowledge from the rest of the world.  If a scientist makes a discovery, his 'clients' might be...well...the whole country.  Scientists owe their 'clients' their results, even if those results aren't positive!  A good scientist publishes their research even if it's not earth shattering.  Publishing is not just to have another publication to add to a new C.V. but because science belongs, in some sense or another, to everyone.  Science is the pursuit of knowledge, and knowledge that is hidden is eventually lost.  A good scientist knows this, and shares their knowledge with the world...even when what their science finds isn't pleasant. After all, it's better to KNOW about a problem, like climate change, than not know and thus not act to fix it. Science is not a solitary endeavor, and a scientist's data may belong to an individual, but it also belongs to everyone whose taxes or funding paid for its collection.


I'm not going to say that the original 10 commandments is dumb or bad.  I think most of it makes a lot of sense.  "Don't kill" doesn't seem like a particularly controversial viewpoint, after all.  However, if you think that 'Citing your Sources' is more important than 'not saying God's vainly' then perhaps this is the list of commandments for you.  And hey, who's to say they can't both work together? 
In any case, I hope you've enjoyed, and thanks for reading.  If you do enjoy the posts from BB+B on science, check out "5 Reasons it Sucks to be a Scientist: Part 1" and the subsequent installments.

Thanks for reading,
Brian, the Author Guy