How to Master and Defeat the "Awkward Pause"

Aside from being the greatest name for a band ever,  (seriously, "The Awkward Pause" sounds awesome, and they'd come on stage, play the first chord, wait a full minute in silence and then start their songs....it sounds amazing) the awkward pause is one of the most common discomforts experienced in basic conversation. It happens when someone says the wrong thing, looks the wrong way, runs out of things to say, misspeaks or stutters, farts or burps, or even just approaches the wrong person.
There is, however, a mastery to the awkward pause.  Today, I'm going to teach you how to master the awkward pause, derive amusement from it, and have it as a weapon in your conversational arsenal. If you study carefully and apply these skills, you too will be able to turn any uncomfortable silence into a hilarious moment of catharsis. 

Identifying the Awkward Pause:

An awkward pause does not have a set amount of time.  As a rule, however, any time the lull in conversations is longer than around 3 seconds, you've entered the awkward zone.  Unlike the twilight zone, this is a well known and documented and understood phenomena, with very simple rules and attributes.

First, an awkward pause is never initiated on purpose.  If it is then one partner in the conversation is probably trying to be funny, and that's not a true awkward pause, that's just a bad joke.  A real awkward pause is spontaneous, uncomfortable, and easily identifiable.  The symptoms are well know: the sudden onset of 'failure to make eye contact' and 'uncomfortable throat clearing', or the ever frightening 'panicked giggling'. Furthermore, fidgeting and constantly readjusting your physical position are also associated with the awkward pause, and are a beginner's attempts to break the discomfort.  After today, you'll be able to do more than tie your shoes and make strange noises; you'll be able to make it funny and charming.

Notice the lack of eye contact, the fidgeting, the oddly blown up lips
and sudden lean away as if trying to escape the discomfort.

Breaking the Awkward Pause:

It is never a good idea to break an awkward pause quickly.  Suddenly blurting out the first thing to come to mind leads to awkward moments.  For example, I once accidentally asked somoene when her baby was due without realizing she wasn't pregnant.  I tried to break the silence quickly by blurting my first thoughts but all I managed to manage was "Not because you're fat, I was complimenting your boobs!" Truly, a terrible reaction to awkwardness.

Further common beginner mistakes include trying to seem clever, by pointing out that the situation is awkward, or uncomfortable.  I myself used this technique rather often in my college years, and managed to gain the nickname "Awkward Brian" from a half dozen floormates in my freshman dorm. Believe me when I say that shrugging and stretching the work "Awkward" into five or more syllables doesn't actually improve the situation. To break an awkward pause requires charm and quick thinking, or at least pretending to be charming, and having a plan so you don't have to ad-lib.

Try something very simple to start: Smile like you mean it.  Give the opposite party a grin and no matter how poorly you handle the silence, you're likely to at least get sympathy. When you appear uneasy, the situation becomes uneasy.  Remember, nothing is awkward until you let it be awkward. If the smile isn't enough and you can't think of a GOOD way to get back on topic, sometimes the best solution is to change the subject in a funny way.  Self deprecating humor, or sarcastic cliches actually work well here. If I had been quicker, instead of talking about the overweight woman's breasts, I might have said "Wow, with my foot so far in my mouth I can taste my socks, and I apparently need to do laundry."  That would have given me a chance to walk away and disengage while also making it clear that I meant no offense.  If you're sticking with cliches, you can put on a sarcastic voice and say, "AND HOW ABOUT THAT LOCAL SPORTS TEAM!" or "So...the weather sure is...weather-y lately?"  If you do this, you're basically telling your conversation partner that you feel awkward, but you don't have to actually articulate it and make it more uncomfortable.  Also, by using cliches instead of a clever thought you come up with on the spot you won't somehow accidentally say anything worse.  Believe me, if you think it's bad calling a woman pregnant when she's not, you haven't seen bad until you follow it up by talking about her breasts.

The key to breaking the Awkward Pause is charm and wit, and if you lack either (as most of us lack at least one if not both) then pretending with a smile and self deprecation is almost as good.

Wow, he just can't catch a break on the awkward-pause party train.

Handling Train-wrecks:

Sometimes, you screw up even though you seem prepared.  Sometimes, you try to comment on the weather and instead of seeming cute you sound even more awkward.  Sometimes you might try to recover from the awkwardness and make it so much worse that it seems like you can't recover.

To give a perfect example, we turn back to my own life.  As a self proclaimed master of awkwardness, I've found myself in a number of uncomfortable 'train-wreck' awkward pauses.  In college I once told a girl I had a crush on her, and she responded by explaining that she was a lesbian. Trying to be cute I said, "Well, can we at least agree that women are hot?" I gave her a smile and chuckled.  She responded by telling me that she was still 'in the closet' and that this wasn't something to laugh about.  I managed to dig an even deeper hole by saying, "Well I was just trying to break the tension" and having her respond with "So now you're blaming me for making you feel uncomfortable?" 

Basically, in a situation where you have no out you need to create one.  Sometimes, the best solution is just to leave the conversation.  In my case I just said, "Sorry, I don't mean offense." That simple statement allowed me to leave the room without feeling any worse.  Further, it took the blame off my shoulders. Suddenly, I wasn't being inconsiderate, I just wasn't sure what to say and didn't want to sound mean.  I got to move on without being a jerk.

If you're in a true train-wreck of awkwardness you have to choose between getting out with SOME dignity, or trying to dig yourself out of a hole, and as the logic there implies, the more you dig the worse you'll be. Sometimes, the only way out is to just leave.  Don't wait around until you're so uncomfortable that even leaving becomes too uncomfortable.

Jerry Seinfeld KNOWS awkwardness.  Trust his judgment. 

Salvaging the Situation:

If you've managed to break the awkward silence without offending anyone or robbing yourself of any and all confidence, the next step is salvaging the situation.  You have to figure out how to get the conversation restarted, or back on track in some way. If you've stuck the situation out, then you must think it's possible to recover, otherwise you'd have left in shameful disgrace as mentioned in the 'train-wreck' section above.

I find that faking forgetfulness works wonders.  "Before I put my foot in my mouth, what were you saying?" is a personal favorite but I never underestimate the awkward clap and plea for "Let's both pretend I didn't say anything, shall we?"  By asking a question or actively seeming forgetful you make it so that the conversation is now in your opponent's lap.  They have to respond in some way, and usually they're going to respond by trying to move forward.

If fake forgetfulness doesn't work, completely ignoring the awkwardness can work too.  When I had a close friend loudly fart during a meeting with my boss, I chose to break the silence by asking my boss, "So what's the plan for tomorrow's meeting?" I made it so that my boss would have to be the 'guilty party' if he wanted to bring the conversation back; if he wanted to ask about the horrific, nose burning smell, the awkwardness would now be his fault, instead of mine or my pal's. This is the best solution in professional or formal settings because protocol dictates that if someone wants to ignore a problem, it's rude to bring any attention to it. So if you ever fart, belch, swear, or accidentally stare at the privates of a coworker or employer, remember that ignoring the situation and pretending nothing happened is probably the best choice.

The "Awkward Pause" Master:

Now the only thing left is for you to try using these skills for real.  Just remember that almost any situation can be diffused with a smile, and that awkwardness is only a matter of perspective.  If you act like it's not awkward, most of the time the situation will seem less awkward. Also remember the strategies discussed for diffusing discomfort, such as changing the subject, or self deprecating humor.  And, if all else fails remember this:
If the situation is truly insolvable and you are already in deep, do something horrifically uncomfortable and odd like dancing "Gangnam Style" and dancing away singing 'Hey sexy lady'. Sure it will still be awkward, but you get to ALSO be hilarious, like an awkward pause master!

Funny and awkward is better than unfunny and awkward any day of the week.

The Ten Commandments of Science

It's often been claimed that scientists are more likely to be atheists than any other profession.  (Read the evidence for this claim here!)
I'm not here to agree or disagree, nor am I here to support or not support this idea. However, it has been suggested, since scientists don't have religion quite as often as many other people, that they lack an understanding of many ideas like the 10 commandments (a judeo-christian set of rules supposedly put down by God and taught by Moses to his followers).  It turns out that I AGREE!  And that's why I've put together the following new, science oriented ten commandments, for those who are more earthly focused, and less spiritually driven. Without further fanfare I present:

 The Ten Commandments of Science

1) Thou shalt put no other beliefs before what can be tested by experimentation.

This is probably pretty simple for most scientists. Basically, don't put your own personal beliefs ahead of what's testable and repeatable.  If you don't have evidence for it and you can't support your theory empirically, then you shouldn't follow that theory.  If someone makes a claim, you need to see how it's been studied, or researched. As I mentioned in my long older series, "5 Reasons it Sucks to be a Scientist", it's hard to trust data you yourself didn't see collected or analyzed.  Remember, part of being a scientist is being evidence driven. That's why you should always seek out evidence! A good scientist follows the evidence, not their biased beliefs.

2) Thou shalt not assume

Science is built on the idea that for anything to be considered fact, it must be based on sound principles that we understand and can repeatedly replicate.  Never make an assumption as a scientist unless you have a good explanation that supports your assumption. That's why every paper written in Nature or Science (well known science journals) spends the first half of the article outlining every detail of background information that you need to assume to reach the same conclusions the researchers have.  In science, assumptions are bad, and more importantly, dangerous.  A scientist should be thorough and detailed before even STARTING to ask a question, and a good scientist never assumes.

3) Thou shalt not call evidence 'proof'

How many times does a scientist get asked if they can PROVE their research is real?  How often does a media giant call a specialized scientist onto the airwaves just to ask him, "What did you prove?"
This is foolish because most smart scientists would have to answer, "Nothing!"  Science gives evidence, and science supports ideas and theories.  A scientific law is a set of theories that has sufficient support to be nearly proven, but in truth science has to admit that even the things it considers facts are often not true facts...they're just the best approximation we can make. Science doesn't deal in absolutes (we leave that to the Sith), it deals in evidence.  Never claim to have 'proof'. All you really have is evidence to support one possible theory.

4) Remember to keep the mind fresh with diverse studies and rest

I'm  not just saying this to keep up the symmetry between the original 10 commandments on the scientist's ten commandments:  I'm serious in saying that every scientist needs to know when to stop chasing their tail.  Sometimes, when you take a break, the answer comes to you.  Remember the famous story of the phrase 'Eureka'? Archimedes, the famous ancient scientist and inventor, was stepping into a bath and saw water rise, and suddenly had an understanding about displacement that allowed him to accurately measure the volume contained within complex shapes. Or the story of Newton and the apple? Science requires the mind to be in ideal shape, which is impossible if you don't take care of your brain, and keep your mind in good shape. Those stories are about scientists who made major discoveries not by spending all day working, but by taking a break, and studying more than one tiny aspect of a field. A good scientist understands this, and knows that sometimes the key to science is to let it ruminate and study many other sciences, instead of forcing new ideas in one small discipline.

5) Respect the science of the past, even as you pass it by

Science is a cumulative study.  No modern discovery happens without ages and ages of work having been done on every piece of the modern theory.  That's why it's important that every scientist remember to read up and understand the basics and basis of modern scientific beliefs.  If you understand how the basic laws have been discovered or clarified within science, perhaps a better understanding of more complex laws can be put in place.It's been said that a scientist is a man reaching the sky while standing on the shoulders of giants.  That's true: Everything we learn today would be impossible without the giant scientific minds of the past, and no theory can be complete without always looking at the original works, and accounting for what is already known, before discussing what COULD be known. All modern scientists are only as good as the science that came before them. A good scientist understands the basics, and where they came from, before moving on to new theories, so make sure you know your basics!

6) Thou shalt not falsify data

Science asks for the truth, not the coolest or most trendy theory. Recently a small group of climate scientists falsified data as well as reported only parts of  their data.  We've all read about this from time to time, and it's an ideal way to make this commandment's point clear: Once SOME science cannot be trusted, ALL science gets doubted.  It's better to publish absolute failures and weak data than to make anything up.  Science, as I've said above, requires strong and accurate foundations, and if you lie, everything that comes after that is suddenly a lie, and void.  The science of climate change took an enormous blow when a small number of folks lied.  Suddenly, all the REAL research, the TRUE data, and the OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE that man is impacting climate over time became something to doubt.  When a scientist lies, they're not just making their own data worthless, but they're tearing down the idea that science is about truth.  A good scientist will NEVER falsify their data, even if that means they fail to produce useable results.

7) Thou shalt cite evidence

Making claims in a scientific paper requires citations.  That's why research papers get so long, and complicated!  A scientist should have that in mind even in daily discussion, or when writing on facebook, or social media.  Every time that you make a claim, unless you know where you got your information, you're taking a big risk.  A good scientist always cites their sources, and can then show their evidence to back up the subsequent claims. Never take something for granted; cite your sources and find supporting evidence every time you make a claim.  It'll help you a great deal in the long run.

8) Thou shalt not plagiarize

Perhaps more important than having evidence is having ACCURATE evidence. Stealing someone else's research, misquoting it, or using it incorrectly is one of the biggest no-no's in all of science.  Obviously, when you're using citations to make your point it's important that you use the right citations.  Further, using someone's information without citations prevents anyone from checking your background information, or even being able to really buy into your story.  A real scientist will NEVER allow themselves to plagiarize, whether it's by citing incorrectly, or not citing someone else at all. That's stealing or lying, and I'm relatively certain even the original ten commandments had something to say about that.

9) Thou shalt not refute a claim without just cause

Theories don't always agree.  In biology, for example, research sometimes disagrees with other research: That doesn't necessarily make one paper wrong and one right. Oftentimes a single published result comes out and upsets everyone because it somehow refutes all known facts or theories...but the new hip theory almost never holds up to intense scrutiny or multiple examinations.  Fox News recently got noticed for posting the claim that global warming had been shown to be 'over', somehow.  That's because they saw one tiny piece of one tiny paper, and decided that any evidence against the prevailing theory was the same as PROOF that the existing theory is wrong.  That's like seeing a plane in the sky and debunking gravity!  But just because you don't understand how a new point of view works with the old doesn't make the old theory suddenly untrue. Remember:  Science is about evidence.  Until you've got enough evidence to make a complete case, perhaps it's not the right time to go to the jury looking for a new verdict.

10) Thou shalt not keep data hidden, or restrict its use

Most modern science is paid for by the governments of the world, especially when you mean 'science' to include more than just 'health and wellness' related science.  Sure, companies might be altering medicine, but governments are altering the rest of the scientific world.  Withholding data, or refusing to publish your data, is basically stealing that knowledge from the rest of the world.  If a scientist makes a discovery, his 'clients' might be...well...the whole country.  Scientists owe their 'clients' their results, even if those results aren't positive!  A good scientist publishes their research even if it's not earth shattering.  Publishing is not just to have another publication to add to a new C.V. but because science belongs, in some sense or another, to everyone.  Science is the pursuit of knowledge, and knowledge that is hidden is eventually lost.  A good scientist knows this, and shares their knowledge with the world...even when what their science finds isn't pleasant. After all, it's better to KNOW about a problem, like climate change, than not know and thus not act to fix it. Science is not a solitary endeavor, and a scientist's data may belong to an individual, but it also belongs to everyone whose taxes or funding paid for its collection.


I'm not going to say that the original 10 commandments is dumb or bad.  I think most of it makes a lot of sense.  "Don't kill" doesn't seem like a particularly controversial viewpoint, after all.  However, if you think that 'Citing your Sources' is more important than 'not saying God's vainly' then perhaps this is the list of commandments for you.  And hey, who's to say they can't both work together? 
In any case, I hope you've enjoyed, and thanks for reading.  If you do enjoy the posts from BB+B on science, check out "5 Reasons it Sucks to be a Scientist: Part 1" and the subsequent installments.

Thanks for reading,
Brian, the Author Guy

Stress and Distress: How Evolution Screwed You

If you're like me, stress can have either a positive or a negative effect on your productivity; Either it causes you to buckle down and work harder in order to alleviate that anxious feeling, or it causes you to basically collapse into a jiggling pool of worthless whines and moans, unable to complete basic tasks like 'get up in the morning' or 'stop watching youtube for a damned moment', no matter how pressing other matters are and how badly you need to accomplish a given task.

Over 240,000 views of a cat making weird sounds. 
That's what stressed people spend their time on.  Watching cat videos on repeat.

Now, there's actually a REASON for feeling stress.  I know, crazy to think that evolution isn't completely bonkers and random like creationists claim, but when it comes to things like stress or sadness or anger, evolution didn't come up with these things as some universal punishment for humans standing up and using our brains.  Rather, these emotional issues are here because they are supposed to HELP us in some way, and give us motivation or change our actions.

It's hard to imagine a situation where feeling like "THE WHOLE WORLD IS COLLAPSING AND YOU CANNOT GET THE WORK YOU NEED TO COMPLETED AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE FIRED AND NEVER HAVE FINANCIAL OR PERSONAL SUCCESS" is a good thing, but that's just because you're not thinking like a caveman.  A caveman didn't worry about his salary or the way people at a party were going to think of him if he showed up 15 minutes late: he thought about if he had enough food stored to make it the next few weeks or months, and he needed motivation to leave his cave instead of enjoying his wonderful campfire and plethora of cave-ladies. In a caveman's life, stress can be a good thing.

If Oog-Oog (our newly named caveman friend) didn't feel the need to go out and do something constructive, he would probably never get ahead of the curve, never get sufficient food to last the winter, never find a way to IMPRESS those sexy cave-ladies with his carefully constructed sleeping mat and warm cave-home. He needed motivation, and nature provided by making him feel like a sack of worthless mammoth dung any time he didn't do enough work. It gave him the kick in the pants necessary to leave his cave and explore the world, work hard, and get some hard-earned cave-lady tail.

I choose to believe this is 100% historically accurate

The problem is, the modern world doesn't quite work like it did in Oog-Oog's days. Yes, stress is good if it convinces you to get off facebook and do your job or finish some task you promised to do, but what the heck is stress good for when it's just a constant worry, a constant anxiety plaguing your every thought? As it turns out, pretty much nothing.

First, it turns out that your brain is pretty complicated.  Shocker.  It doesn't have a 'stress switch' that it turns on and off. It's got a whole switchboard that goes off practically at random, with some buttons pushed while others aren't 24/7, 365. You've got the amygdala, hypothalamus, hippocampus, and more in your brain sending and receiving signals all the time. You've got adrenal glands, your pituitary gland, even your freakin' spinal cord jumping onto the stress bandwagon, making sure you KNOW just how crappy you supposedly should feel.  You've got steroids and hormones aplenty to cause you the wonderfully exciting feeling of anxiety and terror, with an unhealthy dose of angst, and yet you're not done finding out just what happens yet. Your immune system, regulatory system, digestive system and more all seem to get involved in the stress train, and that basically means you can have symptoms of stress anywhere from a mild feeling of discomfort down to chronic bowel problems and utter panic attacks while being wracked with pain and exhaustion.  Really, nature decided that we didn't just need a bit of motivation, it decided that stress should cause pretty much our whole body to collapse in on itself:  Very tricky mother-nature, you wily minx.

You might be wondering what my POINT is in all this.  What, Brian, is the goal of this post?  What are you trying to say? Well, I'm saying that mother nature, and specifically evolution, screwed you.  Unless you're a zen master or mentally handicapped, you're never going to completely escape from anxiety and stress.  You'll never wake up and have NOTHING you can worry about, because your stupid mind will just start worrying that you're not worrying enough, and that maybe...oh god...is that a sign of a brain disease?  IS APATHY A SYMPTOM? WAIT, NOW THAT YOU'RE SCARED, IS BEING UNNECESSARILY SCARED A SYMPTOM?  SHOULD YOU CHECK WEBMD'S SYMPTOM PROGRAM? SINCE WHEN WAS BEING SCARED A SIGN OF BRAIN CANCER?!??! (Don't actually look anything up on webmd ever...apparently every symptom ever is just a secret hidden sign of cancer, dementia, or freakin' ebola)

Now that we've gotten past the hyperventilation-causing though that stress can cause stress, and that no stress can itself cause stress...let's get back to the meat of the issue. What can you do?

Yes, tell Sigmund Freud what you're thinking, he'll know what to do!

Well, there's a lot of things you can do, but I imagine you've heard them all before:  Positive thinking, working out, effective sleep or nutrition, hard work, distancing yourself from the problem....all of these strategies work, but that doesn't make them particularly useful when you're mid panic-attack.
The truth is, once you realize that your stress isn't a REAL problem, you have to choose consciously to move on.  Really, it's that simple.  Think of stress as an itch you know you shouldn't scratch.  If you focus on it, then you screw yourself.  You'll just be more stressed/itchy, and you'll eventually cave in on yourself and either scratch the itch until you bleed or obsess until you cry. You have to do the difficult thing and move past the stress, however the heck you're able to. You need to find a way to mellow out, stop obsessing, and turn your mind to useful things like cave-ladies, instead of unhelpful things like panic, awkwardness, or fear. You must become one with nature, zen, achieve nirvana or whatever the heck those Asian religions tell you to do.

Become one with the zen.  Follow the teachings of  Marsupial Kangar-uddha

Stress isn't something you can actually get rid of.  Psychologists and self-help books make  outrageous claims and tell you how to be 'stress free', but they're basically just lying.  You're never going to wake up and feel like the world is at peace and you're at peace and everything is good.  That's because, well...you can always be MORE motivated, and MORE active, and MORE effective, and your mind knows that.  If you get a raise, you'll worry about the promotion.  If you get a promotion, you'll worry about the next one.  If you become CEO, you'll worry about corporate espionage, or people finding out that most CEOs barely do any real work.  No matter what you do, there is always something else you hypothetically COULD worry about.

But don't give up yet!  Although you can't ever completely avoid stress, you can find ways to ignore it, or minimize it.  And that's the key.  You just need to find a way to dodge the 100,000+ symptoms of stress and anxiety, and live life as if you were too dumb to realize what's really going on. You need to find a way to move past the worry, and the angst.  If you can do that? Well, then you'll be like Oog-Oog, our friendly neighborhood caveman:  Happy as a clam, surrounded by comfort, and blissfully unaware of the millions of stresses that await around every corner, ready to ambush, like the fact that you're reading a blog instead of doing your job, or cleaning your home, or reading your important e-mails.  Evolution might have screwed you by making literally anything on the planet something you COULD worry about.  The key is realizing that evolution is a jerk, and that maybe, JUST MAYBE, worrying about every tiny problem that might somehow someday go wrong isn't useful.



Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed.  I know this isn't our usual comical fodder, but I was looking for something new to write about, and this seemed as good as anything!
If you liked this more serious, advice filled post, check out similar posts such as "Kid Rules to Improve the World" or "Statements That Make You Sound Like A Jerk"

Again, thanks a bunch for reading!
Brian-The author guy

What The Hell Happened To Republicans?

When I was growing up I was a self-avowed Republican in a very liberal town.  I believed that this meant I was somehow a stronger or more self-sufficient. To be fair, at the time there was actually something to be said about the honor and respect afforded to that time period's Republican party.  They had given the world Reagan and George H.W. Bush, presidents that had won the US enormous respect and admiration internationally, and presidents who were happy to step across party lines from time to time to get work done. The Republicans of the 80s and 90s were fiscally conservative, socially middle ground, and happy to work with other politicians to achieve a better future for the citizens of the United States. Perhaps that's why even today, people seem to give the Republican party such credit and respect, even after their fall from reason.

As a child of the 90s (though born in the late 80s) I grew up hearing about the last decade of Republican leadership and political savvy. I understandably felt great pride, since, as a Republican I was somehow tied to that political success.  For those who aren't aware of the actual time period I'm talking about, or why the late 20th century Republicans are often so glorified nowadays, let me go through the elder Bush's presidency in a few brief notes:

President George Bush (The Good One)

In the 80s and 90s, the US led the world in many ways, such as in many measures of health and wellness, education, engineering, and scientific research. George H.W. Bush, president from 1988-1992, signed the "Air Quality Agreement" act which is more often called the Acid Rain Treaty, and took a stance on human impacts on the environment. He, a Republican president, put the environment first and stated that humans were impacting the air quality dangerously. President Bush worked to protect the US citizens from harm and ecological damage by controlling pollution.The same Republican president banned the import of many guns that were considered 'assault weapons.' That same President George H.W. Bush proposed an increased tax plan and reduced spending budget that would lower the deficit by $500 million, which was shot down by his own party when it was shown that his plan would increase taxes to help pay off the deficit, despite the 'across the line' plan including both Democrat and Republican demands. Bush Sr. also tried to contribute more heavily to space exploration, discussing plans to more heavily explore the moon, as well as explore Mars, and work internationally to try to build a space station called "Freedom".  He signed the Immigration Act, allowing more immigrants into the United States.  He resigned from the NRA, appointed the first openly homosexual federal judge, ordered the incredibly successful Gulf War and openly chose to end the conflict to preserve US lives after only 100 hours. He helped create the NAFTA plan, and Clinton, a Democrat, ensured its passage despite its conservative roots because of the obvious success it would lead to for the United States. He was so respected internationally that he is one of only three US presidents to receive a Knighthoood from Britain (Reagan and Eisenhower were the others). He remains so respected in the United States that Obama awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2011.

President Bush Sr. took actions that, at least in the current political climate, were atypical for a Republican. He focused not solely on taxes, but cared for immigration, environmental policies, gun control, and scientific research and exploration.  Basically, he was a president that gathered up the moderates without alienating his own party, something the current Republican candidate seems incapable of.

Now that I've sufficiently praised former President George H.W. Bush and basically repeated most of his presidential biography in short form, I come to the question that all his good and unifying decisions bring up: What the HELL happened to the Republican party?

I'm no longer a Republican.  I haven't been for the better part of a decade, and I couldn't be happier as a liberal (I am not a Democrat, but I'm more a Democrat than a Republican by far).  Nowadays I struggle to even recognize the Republican party.  They're no longer the party of small government, and they're no longer the party of enforcing religious freedom while respecting the division of church and state.  They aren't really even the 'conservative' party anymore, because conservatism believes in a government that doesn't stick its hands into every aspect of its citizens' lives. Instead, the Republican party has in many ways become a twisted mutation of its former self, seeking more governmental control, and more aggressive, divisive policies.

The modern Republican party doesn't believe in small government.  It believes in a fragmented government, with social services, education, and healthcare being ignored while business, military, and religious involvement in government are favored or increased.  The modern Republican party wants to reduce government size when the government gets in the way of industry profits, but it wants to increase government size when the government gets to intrude on the lives of ordinary citizens. These modern Republicans say that the government shouldn't regulate the economy, shouldn't regulate wall street, and shouldn't regulate air quality controls, or environmental impacts of industry. The modern Republican party doesn't believe in the government's role as a check on the power and wealth of industries.  All of these financial beliefs are lumped together to show the rest of the world that Republicans are for small government.

Thanks to MoveOn.org for a great example!

However, this modern Republican party wants to INCREASE government spending in many ways.  They want to increase the military budget, already bloated to over half the 2012 discretionary spending for the country (Check GPO for more details!). The party that claims government shouldn't regulate its citizens also wants to limit healthcare, pass laws to eliminate and outlaw the ability for homosexual couples to marry, and in many states and even in the rhetoric of the Republican 2012 presidential and vice presidential candidates, this party wishes to limit reproductive rights, and ban many forms of birth control.  This party that avows itself to be 'small government' oriented really just wants to be a larger government with lower taxes (a bit of a nutty desire, given the resultant smaller budget with lowered taxes).  This modern Republican party wants to reduce government involvement in finances, but increase government involvement in American's personal lives. This Republican party is a religiously affiliated group that believes that freedom of religion is the same as religion being free to overrun personal liberties. This Republican party doesn't believe in small government at all:  It just pretends to.

So I ask again, what the hell happened to Republicans?  Somewhere between the Bush presidents, there appears to have been a massive change.  Somewhere between these two presidencies, there was a change in the Republican party that altered the party goals, and methods.  And now, 20 years after the elder Bush left office, we're seeing a republican party that wouldn't have even allowed such a man to run.  We see a party that would have attacked their own party hero, President Ronald Reagan.  Yes, the man reduced the marginal tax rates, but he also introduced separate tax increases every year of his presidency! He didn't claim, as so many Republicans today seem to think, that lower taxes instantly leads to higher investment. He argued that lower marginal tax rates might, and he worked with both Republicans and Democrats to introduce MORE capital gains taxes at a previously unprecedented level. The 'anti-tax' hero of the Republicans wouldn't have made it as a modern Republican, because he wouldn't be anti-taxation enough for the modern party! He would never make it as a modern Republican because he represents what Republicans used to be: The conservative party, not the ultra conservative party. Heck, Reagan even granted amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants! Try passing that as a modern Republican! So, the 'hero' years of Republican presidents both favored greater funding for science and technology, limited guns in some way, helped immigrants into America, and worked with both parties consistently instead of constantly filibustering the opposing party into a stalemate.

I don't doubt that the majority of members of the Republican party mean well, and are quite different from the extremists who get so much attention representing their conservative viewpoints in the media.  I don't doubt that most modern Republicans would happily accept the 'across the line' traditions of their forebears, and  would willingly work as a united front with the Democrats to improve the lives of American citizens in any way possible.  However, that isn't what the modern Republican party is advocating, and that isn't what the modern Republican presidential candidate is advocating.  The party line is not to work with others, but to crush them.  The modern party line isn't to embrace faith privately, but is to force it nationally.  The modern party line isn't to balance the budget, it's to cut taxes without considering or discussing the effects of those cuts.  And the modern party line isn't small government, it's nearly the exact opposite.

That might explain why he looks and speaks
like Emperor Palpatine

When I was a kid, I was proud to consider myself a Republican. I was proud that my family was careful and cautious, and didn't let emotions control decisions without taking a careful, thoughtful look at each policy up for a vote.  Today, I feel quite differently.  Now, the more conservative members of my family don't appeal careful, they appear close-minded.  They oppose gay marriage because they think their religious beliefs should be the law.  They oppose healthcare for all because not everyone has 'earned' it.  They oppose legalized abortions, because a fetus' life somehow supercedes the mother's. Now, it sometimes feels their decisions are controlled by fear and distrust, instead of what they used to be controlled by: logic and patience.  I love my family, but some of the conservative beliefs many espouse truly scare me. I haven't yet found an answer to my original question, so I ask again and hope someone out there might be able to give me an answer:  What the Hell happened to Republicans?


Thank you for taking the time to read.  If you're interested in more political posts or political satire, check out "WWJD: Religion in Politics" or "How to Win a Facebook Political Argument" for  Republicans or Democrats.

-Brian, the Author Guy

5 Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Cats

This is neither an argument nor a debate. After a chance meeting with a kitten a few years back (Click here to read "How a Kitten Stole My Manhood"), I'm willing to concede even that cats might not be wholly and maliciously vile, at least when young. But there is not doubt that cats, even on their best days, don't hold a candle to the real best pets: Dogs.  To construct my argument I have carefully and extensively combed through the entirety of world history, and reaffirmed my beliefs with a great deal of evidence.  Today I'm here to prove as truth, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Dogs are better than Cats (Except for maybe like, a cheetah, but unless you've got a pet cheetah, my point stands).

Dogs are man's best friend, and cat's are for crazy cat ladies.  Dogs are seeing-eye helpers or avalanche rescuers, while cats are signs of ye olde witchcraft. 
If you're a 'cat person': Prepare to be taught a lesson. And if you're a 'dog person':  Let's show these feline sympathizers why dogs are better, once and for all.

Reason #1: Dogs Are Loyal

One dog in time out?  Guess the other 2 are keeping him company! LOYALTY!
From the "Aww" subreddit.

When I was a kid I had a rough period where I repeatedly got the strep throat and never seemed to stay healthy for very long.   For a fairly long period of time, I was sick and out of school pretty darned often.  Sadly, I wasn't left to just playing games at home and feeling fine. I was high-fevered, sore of throat, and generally miserable.  But all of that was okay with me because I got to be protected by the family dog.

Her name was Jersey, and she was a gorgeous and friendly golden retriever. I'm not afraid to say that she might be one of the greatest pets that has ever graced the world, orders of magnitude above most  others (Even awesome ones like Flipper, the fictional pet dolphin).  Jersey was so amazing, supposedly my first word was her name! She was a really great dog.

Jersey played with us (my brother, sister, and I) in fall leaves, winter snow, and spring rains, and she spent most her life protecting and adoring my family. She was amazing.  When I got sick, she would climb into my bed if I was awake, or under it if I was asleep, and she'd wait with me.  She walked down the stairs when I went downstairs and she'd carefully look back up from the bottom of the staircase, as if to tell me she was ready to catch me if I fell. She'd follow me around until I got better, and she was there no matter how bad I felt, and how obnoxious and whiny I got.  If I cried, she got my parents, and if I was just sick and miserable, she'd curl up next to me and guide me to sleep. Jersey was a dog, and everything beautiful and good that comes with dog-hood.  She was so much better than a cat.

Cats can be sweet and kind too, at least so I've heard claimed.  When i was younger, a close family friend was a 'cat person' and loved to brag that when she was sick, her cats knew, and helped make my friend feel better.  Once, when she felt particularly ill, she told me that her cat even 'let' her pet the cat's belly WITHOUT clawing!  This statement made me realize something amazing: For a cat to be considered loving, it just has to STOP attacking its owner.  That's a pretty low standard for affection. It's considered a 'treat' to be able to pet a cat, and a 'nice' cat is one that only bites and claws from time to time, as opposed to constantly.  I'm not embarrassed to admit if I had a DOG that bit and clawed me, even infrequently, I'd consider that a huge problem.  Maybe that's because for dogs, which taught me affection doesn't have to involve pain and aloofness, show their affection through slobber, cuddling, and love.

Reason #2:  Dogs Actually Have Jobs

Until you show me an "Avalanche Rescue CAT" this picture
will prove dog superiority without question

Dogs are workers.  The Newfoundland was bred specifically to help fishermen and rescue folks in freezing waters, the tiny and adorable Dachschund was bred to flush animals from their burrows such as badgers, and the Labrador retriever was bred to be a hunting companion.  Dogs like to work, and from sheep dogs to rescue dogs or even to modern seeing eye dogs, they diligently help us throughout our daily lives.

The relationship between man and dog has gone from a mere coexistence to a near mutualism.(Wiki's explanation,   The origins of domestic dogs, The ancient history of man and dog, How far back does this interspecies love-fest go?) That's partly because dogs are natural workers, have drive and intensity, and their work leaves them MORE energized and happy than if they don't work.  You will never see a more content dog than one who has done his job well.  A guard dog that saves his master does not suddenly feel he deserves a reward because his JOB is his reward.  A seeing eye dog is not a tool, he is a loving companion who eagerly strives to help his human partner.  Dogs do by nature what we try to teach ourselves to do at work:  Feel content, work hard, and make a difference.

Perhaps that's why there are so many different jobs that dogs do. Security, drug searches, bomb sniffers, herding, seeing eye or other service dogs, search and rescue, hunting helpers, and on and on. There are practically as many actual jobs for dogs as there are dog breeds!  And, even those dogs not actively being trained as a worker animal still seem to love to help and work.

My own family's second dog Merlyn, brought into the family after our beloved Jersey passed, to this day tries to help us out.  He brings us his own dog bowl to let us know he's hungry, he happily goes to his crate when we're headed out, and he sits inside patiently in case we decide he needs to stay out of the rest of the house.  He takes us on walks and swims and runs and as much as we know we're doing it for him, it's also the reason we get out and exercise most mornings.  He snuggles up when it's cold and he lies at our side when it's not and he truly seems to know that he has a ob to do: Be the best pet for OUR family that he can be, and he does so admirably. 

I don't know terribly many jobs cats do. Even the few I can find aren't things as impressive as a dog SMELLING CANCER or the multitude of examples of dogs SAVING HUMAN LIVES .  Unless a cat's job is to sleep, kill all the beautiful songbirds in the neighborhood, or clear a barn of rats, they're not going to be working.  They, like the unemployed 30 year old living in his parents basement, seek to do only what minimal work is required, and the spend the rest of the day napping.

Reason #3:  Dogs Are Natural Protectors

This is at once the cutest, and yet also the most perfectly 'dog' thing I've seen in my search for dog pictures.
Thanks again to /r/aww on Reddit!

It's in a dog's genetic makeup to be a guardian, and it's probably derived from their loyalty and constant desire to help their owners.  I'm taking this point out separately because it deserves to stand alone. Dogs are protective. Even loving, sweet dogs come to their owner's aid whenever needed.  It's astonishing to watch as a cute cuddly family pet turns into their most powerful protector, but in many cases, it really does happen! We see it on the news most weeks, and we all know someone whose dog has literally protected them from harm.

I can again turn to my own family pet, Merlyn.  He is a lovable chocolate Labrador with a giant head, white marks on his back and tail, and an almost oafish affection for sweets.  He's not something most people would consider scary because he normally just looks cute, but for the last decade, my family and now just parents have kept him around for protection. 

When we decided to get a new dog, my mom decided she wanted a protective puppy, and so she chose the most rambunctious newborn she could find, with his giant over sized head and sweet dopey eyes.  She chose this particular puppy because he would grow up to be big and strong, and that made her feel safe. 

However, Merlyn didn't seem to grow into a fierce and scary protector.  He grew into a troublemaker who liked to steal butter off the table, and escape from the yard to root through our garbage.  He grew to be more of a lover than a fighter, and he regularly proved as a youngster, and reminds us still, that he is attracted to absolutely any gross or old food in a way no human can truly comprehend. 

This is Merlyn, in case you want to assess his status as 'lover' vs 'fighter'.

Despite all his cuteness, Merlyn is ready to fight for his family in half a second, and you can see it in how he acts. In our old hometown north of Chicago, we lived in a pretty standard suburb, with low crime rates and nice neighbors.  Still, from time to time there were unsavory folks walking the path behind the house, and these rare encounters let us see a side to our dog we never expected.  I can clearly remember one particular event when my twin brother and I were cleaning leaves from the back yard.  We were raking large piles, which Merlyn promptly sprinted through and rolled around in to destroy, when a thin and twitchy stranger came up to the back gate and said hello.  He hung his arms over the fence and he looked almost skeletal, as he tried to make creepy small talk with my brother and I. 

Never in my life had I seen Merlyn react the way he did that day. His head went down and his ears went back as he raised his hackles. He slunk towards the fence while the strange invader asked more questions of us two than was comfortable. He didn't seem to mean any actual harm,but we were frightened by this man, and Merlyn knew it. So, as Merlyn reached the point in the gate where the mans hands hung over, Merlyn jumped up and began barking in a way we'd never heard, a deeper and more ferocious sound than I could have ever imagined bursting forth from our family pup.  The man backed off, and without even finishing his questions and sentence, took off down the alleyway behind the house.  Merlyn, meanwhile, kept barking angrily, and jumping up and down at the fence, until the man was far out of sight, at which time he abruptly dropped to all fours, trotted back over to us with his tail happily wagging and dove back into the leaf piles all over again, as if nothing was wrong. Merlyn felt that my brother and I were uncomfortable, and so he fixed the problem.

As I see still every time my mom walks our lovable pooch, Merlyn knows that he is our protector, and he DOES take that job seriously.  My mom and dog both know that when she takes him on a walk, no matter how safe and nice the neighborhood, if something were to happen it would be his job to step in and play the hero.  And I like to think that my mom knows this, and appreciates Merlyn even more for it.

A common house cat is not a protector.  It's a needy furry guest, and it doesn't care about its owners the way that a dog does. That's yet another reason dogs are better than cats.

Reason #4:  Dogs Are Happy

Sitting in the grass (or doing practically anything) = DOG NIRVANA

If you were to ask 1,000 random people the most common attitude found in a cat, they would answer something like 'anger' or 'disapproval', or more likely yet, 'disdain'.  It appears that naturally, felines are aloof, and somewhat mean. If you turned that question around on dogs, you'd likely get one of three answers; Happy, excited, and and REALLY happy.  With cats you get the personality of your 5th grade math teacher after you failed a test, and with dogs you get a 10 year old on their birthday after finding out they now own a horse. Disdain versus excited bliss.

I'm not sure what causes this:  Frankly, it's probably something to do with artificial selective pressure applied through breeding, along with the human tendency towards favoring neotenous characteristics (Sorry, had to throw a bit of biological thought into this, it was necessary!). But in the end, the important, simple truth is that dogs are almost always happy while cats are very rarely so.  If you get a cat high on catnip it might suddenly want to be close and cuddly, but you don't have to dope your dog to get it to wag its tail and be nice. No, when you come home from work the dog is already incredibly happy just to see you.  When you come back from going outside to grab mail, the dog is incredibly happy to see you.  When you're sitting in pajamas and eating a frozen pizza when you're too lazy to go out, YOUR DOG IS HAPPY TO BE WITH YOU.

I don't know about you, but if I seek a companion, a pet that I keep with me for years of my life, I will go for a lovable and excitable canine compatriot.  You're welcome to keep your fickle unfriendly felines for yourself. 

Reason #5:  Cats Just Stink

This is a cat being hugged by a sloth. This is a moment most would find joy in.
The cat is not happy about being hugged by a sloth.
This cat proves cats cannot understand the concept of joy.

I could turn this immediately into a tirade about letting anything live indoors that poops in the house OUTSIDE OF A TOILET, but I think I'll try to use 'stink' as a more metaphorical term today. 

My final point in the cat vs dog debate actually has very little to DO with dogs.  It's about how terrible most cats are.

See, cats aren't like dogs.  They aren't caring, and kind.  They aren't protective, and lovably dopey.  Cat's don't think your mere presence is cause for jubilant celebration like a dog would.  A cat thinks that you're ITS pet.  You belong, in a cat's mind, TO the cat instead of the other way around. The modern house cat is a fine companion if you want borderline negligence with low maintenance, but when you seek a real pet, a real companion, a dog is just so much better.  

That's probably why everyone who likes their cat tries to describe it just like a dog.   Hell, most cat lovers try to justify their cat by explaining how it even ACTS like a dog.  Well, crazy question:  If your most bragged up claim to fame is being LIKE a dog, then how are you ever going to come CLOSE to a dog?  A 'dog like' cat still poops inside.  It still tears up the furniture.  It still bites and hisses and claws seemingly at random whenever you see k to give it attention.  A 'dog like' cat doesn't get the paper, or go on long walks.  It doesn't join you at the beach, and it certainly isn't likely to stop a burglar, or protect the blind.  And that's not because cats are dumb, or evil, or any of the meaningless (though sometimes oddly accurate) insults that are often thrown at cats.  It's because dogs are so amazing.  Also, because cats stink. 

Is it just me, or does the dog STILL look happier than the cat? 
Even after being bullied?

The final reason that dogs are better than cats is simply:  Cats aren't fun and lovable.  When you play with a cat, you entertain the cat instead of yourself. You bring it a toy that you dangle and play with, and you focus on the cat.  Dogs want to play WITH you, they want to wrestle, or play fetch with you, or tug-of-war.  Dogs focus on YOUR happiness too.  Cats are not so kind.   They only want to be petted an EXACT amount, at SPECIFIC times, and only a PERFECT way, and any infraction in their mysterious desires is met with hissing, claws, and bites.  Dogs love petting whenever they can get it.  Cats are picky eaters, and kill the beautiful birds in the neighborhood, and often run away for days at a time.  Dogs like to stay at home, eat anything you give them, and never even catch the squirrel, probably because they don't want to disappoint you. 

Yeah, I know what you're thinking:  Dogs are pretty amazing, and cats stink. Maybe that's why when I think of a cat, I think of the video below.

In the cat's defense, that seems like a scary place. 
But...the cat's far scarier.

                                                                                          * * *

In the end, I'm not going to argue that cats are actually bad pets.  For people living in apartments, or people who can't or won't take an animal out for walks, sure a cat might be nice.  For people who don't enjoy being given love and affection, I bet a cat is great.  And hey, I imagine that for people who hate cuddling with furry critters, or being greeted lovingly at the door by a being of pure joy and admiration, a dog would be a bad pet. 

For the rest of us?  For those of us who want love, want affection, want fun and energy and protection and loyalty and infinite, unabating joy?  There's nothing better than man's best friend.

Man's best friend AND baby's best friend, apparently!

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy!  If you liked this story and rant, check out "Does a Bear S*** in the Woods?" or my video post, "The Stupid Alaska Moose Story".

Feel free to leave a comment below, even if it IS pro-cat! 
Again, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed,

Brian the Author Guy