Kid-Rules to Improve The World

Kid Rules that Make the World a Better Place.

When you're a kid, you have rules everywhere you go.  In class, you can only speak when your hand is raised.  You can't go to the restroom without a pass from the teacher.  You're not allowed to touch anything in the museum, no matter how cool it looks.  If you touch the class turtle, you have to wash your hands.  You're only allowed to chew gum if you bring enough to share.  The list seems endless, and as a kid, it's both incredibly helpful, and mind-numbingly frustrating to deal with these rules.

As an adult, we don't have as many rules. We have laws, company rules, and basic social agreements, but we don't have rules laid out for us to deal with common daily occurrences. That's where kids are smart.  As a kid, even outside of school or trips or home, you MAKE rules.  Dibs is a perfect example of a rule, if applied without manipulation, that can make life simpler.  It cuts down on arguments, and can prevent unnecessary anger.  After all, your buddy wasn't being mean when he took the first piece of cake, he called dibs.  You can't argue with dibs.

As an adult, I think it's about time we bring some of those sorts of rules back.  I believe, entirely seriously, that if we all started to act a bit more like kids with rules, we'd all be better off. Below is a list (not exhaustive, but a good starting point) that will help you on your quest to live more childishly, as well as happily.  If you share this list with others, and your friends or family agree to live by its rules, I imagine that your life might just get a bit better.

1) Shotgun is Sacred.
If someone calls shotgun in a car ride, it must be obeyed under specific conditions.  Sure, everyone grew up with various rules, but the basics seem to be pretty clear; The driver can override shotgun, if no shotgun is called or it's a tie, the larger individual wins, and family comes first.  Other rules, such as having to be in sight of the car, or touching it first, are up in the air at the discretion of the driver, but in general, shotgun is the 'dibs' of choosing seats, and should be appreciated even as adults. People who do not play fairly shall be evicted by the driver and made to sit in the 'bitch' seat, in the middle of the back, as punishment.

2) Sending Thank You Cards Isn't Optional.
Seriously, when did we stop sending thank you cards?  Unless I sent someone a wedding present from another state, I'm not getting a thank you in the mail anymore.  Oh, I remembered your birthday, bought you a gift and arranged for it to be delivered to your house on a specific day?  It's your favorite book, in a new printing because you mentioned your old book was damaged recently?  OH, REALLY?  I WENT TO ALL THAT TROUBLE FOR A TEXT MESSAGE THAT SAYS "thx dude" 2 WEEKS LATER?
Unacceptable.  When you get a gift, send a thank you card.  When someone gives you a Christmas bonus, send them a thank you card. When someone comes to help you move, and spends hours lifting boxes for the 2 greasy slices of pizza you call 'payment', SEND A THANK YOU CARD.   Write more eloquently than "Thanks" or "Gr8 gift", because we're not idiots, so we shouldn't just be grunting meaningless monosyllabic phrases. We can say, 'Hey, I appreciated the gift Brian, and I hope you're doing well in the frozen hell that is interior northern Alaska.  It's nice to have friends like you, blah blah blah.

Your friend,
Not-A-Douche-Because-I-Send-Thank-You-Cards"


3) Words, Not Fists. 
I'm someone who grew up with physically aggressive siblings, so I often express my emotions through physical contact.  I give hugs.  I pat people on the back.  I punch someone in the shoulder when they're being a jerk. I do, however, try to actually articulate myself, and I try to ensure that I only hug/hit/pat people I know well, and who know me.  What I cannot stand, most of the time, is people who use violence to get their point across. 

First, it's very rarely appropriate.  If you and a buddy are ok smacking each other around, great, go for it, more power to you. If it's NOT someone you know well, someone who you know will react well, and someone who expects it, DON'T HIT!  This goes for girls too.  It might actually be MORE important to tell girls, because as adults some seem to forget!

I was recently in a relationship of sorts and the girl expressed her anger by punching.  Not cute, playful punches or angry smacks on the shoulder, but hard and angry punches, where she intended to cause pain.  Fun fact:  I can't do it back without being an evil bastard, so it's probably not OK to do to me.  She punched me in the groin (the WORST of the no-no spots) and I had to sit there and say as calmly as possible, "PLEASE DON'T PUNCH ME IN THE GROIN, FOR THAT IS EXTREMELY PAINFUL."
It's not ok, and generally isn't necessary.  I'm not saying I agree with the zero-tolerance rules our modern school systems seem to have adopted when it comes to violence, because sometimes slapping, kicking, punching and such is WARRANTED in extreme situations, but as a rule...use your words, not your fists.

4) Share Your Gum.
Seriously.  Don't be a dick.  Share your fucking gum. I will tear that juicy fruit from your mouth and throw it on the ground if you don't have another piece to share, you gum-hoarding bastard.

5) Learn Every Person's Name.
This alone probably deserves a long post, since it's come up even here in Alaska time and again in meaningful ways, but I'll be brief for now.
You should ALWAYS learn everyone's name when you start at a new company, or a new place.  You learn the name of the janitor, and the lady who serves the coffee, and the angry old man who's about to retire, and ESPECIALLY the other new people.  It's such a simple rule, but it does so much.  Plus, when the angry old guy retires, and remembers you as the kid who spent a few minutes to say hello, maybe he'll request you get his office, and BOOM, promotion.  Or, maybe the janitor is secretly some sort of spy, and you'll get to accompany him on spy missions.  It could happen. 
Most importantly, it'll help you out when it's time to make friends, and it makes everybody feel special.  When the lady serving coffee is at the end of a long shift, and she's tired of assholes who demand, "No, soy-latte without foam, this has foam.  Can you even do your job right?" it's nice to say "Hello, Darlene, how are you today?" and brighten her afternoon. We've all been nobody at a job, or on a trip, or even a short event, and wished we at least had SOMEONE whose name we knew, who knew who we were, and would take a few minutes after lunch for idle chatter instead of walking past.  It's an easy rule, and you really need to follow it.

6) NOTHING BAD HAPPENS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
New rule:  No going to work on your birthday.  Oh, the merger/deal/program test/exam is on your birthday?  NOT ANYMORE, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. When I was a kid, I hated having school on my birthday, and I'm pretty convinced it's fair to say that the best birthday I can remember is when my parents decided to take us to an amusement park instead of making us go to school on our birthday.  Next time it's someone's birthday, instead of adding to their pile of work, go out, buy a card and small present, come back and make sure they leave work after getting their sugar and present, because NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO WORK OR DO ANYTHING UNPLEASANT ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. How we, as a civilized society, make people do hard work when they really want cake and presents, is beyond me.  Know who made people work on their birthday?  Yeah, Hitler, Mussolini, Voldemort, and you dont' want to be like them.  No work on your Birthday.

7) We Need More Nicknames.
I have had many, many nicknames.  Most failed.  Most were bad.  Some were downright strange ('Lucky the Angry Giant Leprechaun' lasted for over a month at one job).  But places need more nicknames.  I don't mean 'buddy' or 'chief', which are the general and unconvincing nicknames given out by faux-friendly bosses, I mean real, old fashioned, you're not allowed to choose your own and probably hate it to begin with nicknames.
Mine's "Oatie", and it probably always will be.  Long story short, I got badly burned by oatmeal, multiple times, while working for the boy scouts.  I became Oatie the Oatmeal Man. I hated it, which of course meant it was perfect, and 6 years later, I have dozens of people who don't know my real name anymore.  It almost followed me to college.  Heck, it DID to a degree, but only among a few small groups of people. 
Next time someone wears a weird shirt everyday, or has a particularly nick-name-friendly name, give them a nickname, and unless it feels like teasing or they genuinely hate it, make it stick.  I'd rather work with The Typhoon than stuttering Tyson any day, and I might forget Jared, but I never forget J-Rod.

8) Share.
This one is huge, but basic.  This one is probably the most important.  I can't believe I have to say it, but apparently it needs to be explicitly said.  SHARE.  I'm not just talking about gum, I'm talking about pretty much everything.  How the hell did we become hoarders?  When did we decide that it was better to keep everything for ourselves than share it with our friends? Seriously.  Share.  Donate to a charity, every single year, in a meaningful way.  Bring extra snacks to work.  Make sure you go out of your way to find the quiet and socially awkward guy in the office or on the work-crew and give him half your PB&J, because he's not going to come out of his shell until you share both your time and your delicious strawberry-jam PB&J with him.  This rule, like the others above, probably matters more to adults than kids, and yet we forget about it so damned often.  We see a bum on the street and avoid eye contact.  I'm not saying give him your jacket, but maybe give him a business card and share YOUR success, get him a job that suits him.  Give him your morning coffee, because you probably don't need it half as much. Hey billionaires, Bill Gates convinced others like him to donate ENORMOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY TO CHARITY, follow his lead and share with the world, maybe make it less dreary.  If we all went out of our way to share, EVEN A LITTLE BIT, it would be a hell of a better world to live in.  Most importantly, and I sincerely mean this, if you're chewing gum you had BETTER have enough to share.



Thanks for reading, and I appreciate your time.  Do me a favor and share this, or any other post you particularly enjoyed.  It lets me know what I'm writing that works, or what doesn't, and commenting, sharing, or writing me a personal note all help improve the blog.

If you liked this, I'd recommend you check out  "Zombie Questions to Measure Friendship" or "Jerks Finish Last"