Too Cold VS. Too Hot: Let's Compare

Everywhere in the world small talk is the same: You whine about the weather.

Let's examine a stereotypical conversation about the weather, overheard between "Norman Normal" and "Allen Average", who can be from anywhere at all but still sound the same.

It starts with the cliche, "Crazy weather we've been having, right?" and is followed by the response, "Well, you know what they say:  (Location anywhere on planet Earth) has unpredictable weather. If you don't like it, wait an hour, it'll change! Weather man is always wrong!"
Someone tries to spice the discussion up with a complaint: "I hate either the winter or summer here, it's too cold or hot!"  Everyone agrees, with the caveat that, "Sure, but whichever of those two seasons you didn't mention is great!"

And there you have small talk in every country on the planet.

It's either too hot or too cold, damnit!
Or if you're in the Midwestern US, it's both.

I've lived and worked all around the country. In Texas and Alaska, Indiana and California the same conversations played out every single day, all year long, no matter where I've been.

In the defense of southerners, in my experiences Texas can be unbearably hot.  At 110 degrees some days during the summer, it's 20 to 30 degrees too hot for comfort (assuming that around 65-85 degrees F is comfortable for most people). It never goes below 80 in August, and every southerner spends their days sipping iced tea and wishing for winter to return.

Texans generally argue they're just as 'hot' as Alaska is 'cold'

I'd like to now compare that problematic heat to problematic cold, and make a nice statement about how it's always going to be too hot for some and too cold for others.  But I can't compare southern heat and northern cold. They're not comparable.

I've lived in both places, and Texas heat and Alaskan cold aren't even in the same league. Alaska isn't 20 or 30 degrees too COLD for comfort like Texas is 20 or 30 degrees too hot.  It's 100 degrees, or more with the wind chill. I live in Fairbanks, and we know what cold can really mean.

Winter here isn't short like southern summers.  Sure, 4 months or even 5 in a bad year of 90+ degrees must be tough but imagine instead that it was 8 or 9 months, from September through May. Maybe you'll be on the right track to understand Alaskan winters.

What I know is that supposedly 110 degrees is 'unbearably hot'.  So what's the 'unbearable' cold comparison?  Realize that I have regularly worked at my job outdoors at -50 degrees Fahrenheit, with a personal record of -95 windchill. That's 160 DEGREES TOO COLD FOR PERSONAL COMFORT, not 30 degrees too hot. 

For Texas to be as hot as Alaska is cold, the equivalent disparity would require Texas to easily boil water all summer (Texas would have to be around 245 degrees).  Clearly, we're not talking about the same thing when we complain about weather anymore.

It's a school tradition to strip to your skivvies at -40.  The Texas Equivalent would have to be wearing long johns, 4 layers of sweaters, snow-pants and a snowsuit inside a boiling hot Sauna. I doubt that's a U of Texas tradition.

So, please everyone listen:  Stop thinking that where you live is 'too hot' or 'too cold'.  The odds are that it's not that bad.

As winter approaches, my family and friends load their facebooks with complaints about the weather. "It's freezing outside!" and "BRRRR, I'm not going outside until spring!" were two helpful statuses this morning that I looked at while watching my Thermometer waver between -20 and -30 for the third week in a row.

In fairness, during this past summer I complained about the 90 degree days where I worked outside on my research projects in safety gear (2 layers of non-breathable plastic to prevent pesticides and chemical treatments from getting on my skin). To make amends for my unfair complaint about heat, I hereby apologize to my southern brethren. I should have realized that 90 degrees in safety gear is hot, but nowhere near as hot as 110 or even 120 in some places down south.

In exchange for my apology, though, I expect you to give me the same sort of respect. Don't complain about 40 degrees.  That's not even freezing yet. Don't complain about 30.  That's practically summertime for Alaska.  Don't even complain about 0 degrees, that's just not going to cut it.

If you want to complain about cold, it has to be at least "Alaska cold".  The idea of "Cold" stopped at -20 degrees.  Now, it's "Alaska cold".  And Alaska is frigid, and icy, and perhaps even glacial.  Frankly, it's arctic and sub-arctic and down right colder than a hug from an ex-girlfriend at her wedding. It's so cold your eyes can ice open and your car's gasoline freezes solid.

So the next time someone tries to whine about the weather when we make small talk, I'm not going to accept their complaint, and respond in kind. Instead, I'm going to give them a long and verbose lecture about what "Cold" really means.  How about instead, we all try something else out as a topic for small talk.  Sports teams?  Politics? Skip the small talk all together? 

I don't really care any way you go, so long as it avoids complaining about the weather. I assure you, I'm well aware of the cold weather. You don't need to bring it up.

I know it's cold...no need to tell me.

Thanks for reading guys!  Have a great week!
-Brian, the Author Guy.

If you want to check out other stories and posts on BB+B, check out "Fat People Have Superpowers"
 or "Kid Rules to Improve the World"


The idea for this post was inspired by Allie Brosh's HILARIOUS post on her well-known comedy blog "Hyperbole and a Half" where she redefined the pain-scale used by doctors.  It's hilarious, and you should go check it out.