How to Win Facebook Political Arguments: A Guide

The Ultimate Facebook Politics Discussion Guide Part 2, Democrats:
Seriously, this is meant as satire. Uncomfortably accurate, but joking. SATIRE ALERT BELOW!

If you're reading this, it's because you want to be more knowledgeable about how to beat others in political discussions on facebook.  No one wins a discussion, but an argument definitely has a winner, and it can be you! So, argue on, and win!
Good for you! Remember, as the election draws closer, it's time to sway over any undecided voters on facebook by posting links and arguments to make your point.  As the founding fathers once said, "If you're not with me, you're against me, you American-hating bastards" or something of that sort.

If you're looking for the guide to being a Democrat on facebook, see below. If you're looking for a guide to being a Republican, read the first section. (CLICK HERE)

Remember, your facebook is like your front lawn, or car bumper.  If it's not covered in signs and catchphrases, how will anyone know what you believe?
Happy Facebooking!

THE GUIDE TO BEING A GOOD FACEBOOK DEMOCRAT:

So, you're a liberal?  Good.  It's hard to imagine a world that stagnates and denies change the way Republicans do, am I right?  In modern America, we need modern people, and more importantly, we want people with hearts bigger than their wallets.  Get ready to whoop some Republican butt at rhetoric, as Democrats always do, because they're clearly so much smarter than Republicans. You'll probably want to mention that in your arguments. But anyways, let's get started on how to win Facebook discussions as a Democrat.

Being a democrat means your job is to prove the republicans wrong.  Once they've been proven wrong, that leaves only one option: You being right, as usual.  Unlike Republicans, you can cite sources outside of Fox News for your point of view, and you've got science and Stephen Colbert on your side.  Seriously, you know what beats Republicans?  Anything factual, because clearly they're uneducated. Call them out on their racist, sexist, religiously intolerant arguments.  You just need to make sure people know why the Republicans are all uninformed idiots, and you win. Plus, call them bigots, so everyone knows you aren't one. Democrats care about reminding everyone that America was founded to get away from religious persecution, to create a country where everyone is universally accepted, where immigrants can find a new home and create their own American Dream.  And if someone disagrees with that, clearly they're heartless and ignorant.

Your key conversation topics really come to down 3 basic arguments: Biased Media, Ignorance, and (Horse and Sparrow) Economics.

First, let's talk about the media.  Have you ever actually listened to the republican news media?

Those bastards can't help but spew their hate-speech every third word.  So, call their biases out!  Every single time!  Someone posts a quote about American Exceptional-ism, and how great America is compared to anywhere else?  Well, retort by showing the quote was out of context, probably.  If it wasn't out of context, demand they supply context.  The key is to CALL THEM OUT, on every subject! Someone posts a bible verse to support their point of view, and show their faith to the world?  Of COURSE they do, because their media only accepts one religion, and refuses to pay attention to the other parts of the bible, like in Timothy where women aren't allowed to talk, and in Leviticus, when people aren't supposed to eat shellfish. If you don't know the bible, that's OK, neither does the Republican. Just find a few choice verses like the ones I mention, and from then on feel free to CALL THEM OUT!  Constantly and aggressively point out the flaws in conservative media, fight the brainwashed bias with more respectable sources, like Huffington Post and STFUConservatives.net (which sounds biased, but TOTALLY isn't, if you really look at it from a logical modern freethinking point of view, like most Democrats have).
The Biased Media of the Republicans got us into these dangerous and unconstitutional wars, they ruined our economy, and are destroying America.  If only someone had called them out sooner, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.  So, if you see a post that looks suspicious, CALL THEM OUT. Ignore conservative media, and anyone who listens to it, because they're probably just Sheeple. Also, make sure to use phrases like that, because it helps you identify idiots to the rest of the population.  Sheeple and Pawns are good words to remember for just such occasions.

Ignorance is probably the word most heavily associated with Republicans.  They hate evolution, climate change, and religious freedom.  Not all of them, but enough that it's probably safe to generalize, probably.
Basically, they hate everything that happened after the American Founding, and that's important to bring up.  They're all stuck in the past, and are old and can't adapt. Explain to them that they only disagree because they're old fashioned, unaware, and ignorant. It'll prove you to be youthful and adaptable, (though you might want to throw in a zinger about maybe they could ADAPT if they learned to believe in EVOLUTION!  A witty zinger goes a long way to prove yourself right)
If this isn't working, you might want to remind everyone how stupid republicans really are.  Articles about creationism and science-denial remind the public that republicans are unaware and uneducated, and make your point for you. Just bring in tons of articles about how dumb republicans are, and you're sure to win.
Being conservative and being ignorant go hand in hand. If people don't believe you, more articles, with more statistics about the republican party, because know what ISN'T IGNORANT?  Science and statistics, especially from sources that everyone trusts, like MSNBC. If a conservative friend disagrees with you, make sure to find a site or idea that disagrees with them, post it, and call them out on being ignorant.  That's guaranteed to work, or at least prove you're NOT ignorant, which is really the key to any debate.

Finally, economics comes into play. If you don't know what Horse and Sparrow economics, you might recognize the term 'Trickle down" economics? As the INCREDIBLY BIASED republican media would call it, it's the same as supply side economics.  It's the idea that if you feed enough money to the rich, the poor get better off too.  The line that was used in Reagan's time was 'A rising tide lifts all boats', but it's really a pretty way of saying, "feed the horse enough oats and they'll shit out extra for the sparrows to eat". Useful imagery, when you want to inspire disgust. Oh, and guess what?  It applies to all the mean social policies that Conservatives believe in too. Seriously, it's practically your entire argument in a single poo-related phrase.

The key to this argumentative point is how horribly insensitive and heartless republican fiscal policy is.  They want to keep all their money, hoard it, and screw over the poor. They want to be kings, while everyone else is a peon.  If only someone could tell them...OH WAIT, THAT'S YOU!  You have to tell them, to stop the brainwashing, because that's totally what it is, and you should let everyone know it!  It sounds aggressive and abrasive, but you're just trying to be a Democrat, an emotionally aware and very active person.  If you aren't aggressive and abrasive, you'll be ignored. If you DIDN'T use the emotional and aggressive language, then people wouldn't realize how important the issue is, and you might be dismissed as someone who doesn't care.  Someone needs to stand up, and take action, and if it's not you, and not now, it's never going to happen.  It's nice to say things like that, too, to show everyone how wise and caring you are. 

Speaking of which...Isn't that the real issue?  The republican economics being uncaring, their social policies being outdated and uncaring?  Really, as you can see, everything relates back to their viewpoint of self indulgence, which is showcased perfectly through trickle down, or Horse and Sparrow economics. If you remind everybody that Republicans don't care, and that they are all about money and power, you might actually wake someone up and fix the mess that the fat-cats made of the American economy. It's hard to find SPECIFIC cases, sure, but if you give facts about all republicans, and you bring up the theme of 'they're ignorant self indulgent assholes', you're probably going to win.

Barack Obama wanted change, and so do you.  Bush Jr., Sr. and Reagan before them wanted nothing more than to manipulate America into being a christian controlled fear-worshiping bunch of sheeple. It's time for you to go to facebook and prove to everyone else that you can't be controlled, that you fight the power, and that you're more empathetic and caring than a republican could EVER be.

Oh, Plus, not that you want to sound like a hippie, but you know, 'legalize it', because that's part of being a Democrat too...but only add that bit as a footnote, somewhat unrelated, at the end of a long post, so that people don't think it's your main point.
But mostly, don't be sheeple, and let the Republicans know that they can't control you. (Also, legalize it, seriously)

If you can handle that, you're fine! Enjoy winning countless arguments, and swaying over all those many folks who still haven't decided their political opinions yet.  I'm certain they'll happily appreciate being informed by your helpful additions to any Facebook discussion.



As always, thanks for reading!  If you liked this post, check out Stu, my Brobama  or  Kid-Rules to Improve the World

Leave a comment or thought below, and if you can't tell that this is satire and didn't read the top, leave me an ANGRY comment that I can respond to sarcastically.  Thanks!