The Zombie Test: 5 Zombie-Apocalypse-Related Questions to Measure a Friendship

Now, I've already mentioned before my crippling and horrific fear of zombies (link) so, it's probably unsurprising that whenever I make a new friend, I ask myself how they'd fare in a zombie apocalypse.  Would they have useful skills, how would they handle the crushing oblivion that would come with a decimated world?  What tips and tricks could they teach you to survive the oncoming zombie onslaught?

THAT IS WHY I ASSUME I'D BE BEST FRIENDS WITH LES STROUD FROM "SURVIVORMAN"

But for anyone, this can be a good litmus test for seeing if you've got compatibility as friends.

1) Who Carries the Ammo?
Any good friendship is really not just about GETTING something, it's about also GIVING something.  Are you and this person able to work together?  Or, in the zombie scenario, would you two be the tragic duo who die in the BEGINNING of the movie, or the duo left to wander the empty wastelands of zombie-ville as the last hardened survivors, making bad puns and blowing apart hell-spawn with ease? 

Simply put , how do you two work together?  There is always someone who takes the shots, and someone who makes it POSSIBLE for someone to take the shots.  It isn't necessarily a superior/inferior power dynamic , because the gun might seem like it's in charge, but without ammunition it's just an unwieldy club. Someone HAS to occasionally take charge, in survival, and friendship.  You must first find out, before anything else happens, if you're comfortable in your role.  In a zombie apocalypse, every task is dangerous, and every day a new nightmare. You don't need the added stress of wanting to shoot and being unable to, or carrying ammo for someone unwilling to pull the trigger.

In friendship, this translates to similar questions. How can you and this new friend work together?  Is one of you the straight-man, while one cracks wise?  Are you willing to carry the proverbial ammo, or should they?  These are serious, important questions for surviving the undead's wrath, as well as making it through young-adulthood, an equally hellish experience.  

If someone in the friendship isn't set out, from the start, to make and take the calls, it's hard to be friends.  Two 'type a' personalities rarely work well together for this exact same reason, unless they realize that even leaders sometimes have to be led.
Any time you meet someone you think you could become friends with, ask this question first, and if you've made it past this very basic level, then proceed onward in your zombie survival and friendship building quest.

2) Will You Shoot Me, Right in the Face, If I get Bitten?
Most of the time, people are generally nice.  Even Hitler probably had his friendly moments.  And when people are nice, happy, and healthy, it's easy to be nice back. Except, probably not to Hitler. But, my point is that no one ever thinks, "HOLY CRAP THAT NICE GUY, HE'S SO POLITE I HATE HIM." It's easy to be nice to someone who's nice.

However, a real friend is someone who can help you out when you're NOT being nice.  They're needed to tell you, "You're being a massive asshole, please stop being a massive asshole, because no one currently likes you.  If you're wondering why, it's because you're a massive, unbelievably frustrating, asshole."

If a friend told ME that, what would I say?  "THANKS FRIEND, I APPRECIATE YOU LETTING ME KNOW I WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE!"  I'm so glad people can tell me when I'm being a jerk, because then I can realize it and maybe be less of a jerk!

We all need that from time to time, and that's a true friend's job.  Passive aggression might be common in life, but it never works well with friends, because if you can't tell your buddies they suck, who CAN you tell they suck? Skirting the issue rarely, if ever, improves a friendship.

This blunt honesty and ability to be direct is a skill that's also absolutely necessary to have in a real friendship (also, a zombie apocalypse).  The quiet friends, the ones who won't be blunt and honest with you, are the jerks who forget to mention...your huge asshole-ishness.  They don't say, "Man, Steve you're being a dick."  They say, "Man, Steve, that wasn't the nicest thing to do, though I guess you SORT of were justified.  I mean, yeah, like, they were being annoying, so you're probably in the right to be rude."  They let you be a jerk, and they never really tell you when you suck.  It's terrible.

But if you're wondering how well do Zombies relate to this situation?  PERFECTLY! If I get bit by a zombie, I want someone who will shoot me between the eyes and prevent me from rising as one of the undead to destroy the world around me.  It's a friggin' law of science, if someone won't call you on your bullshit, they won't shoot you in the face when you get bitten by a zombie, and you don't want to be friends with someone who wouldn't even shoot you in the face when you get bitten by a zombie. I don't want someone to tell me the zombie bite doesn't look deep, it's ok, I want them to say, "If they drew blood, I put you down."  Never build friendships with someone until it's clear that their job, should you get bitten by a zombie is to shoot you in the face: Or, if you're not dealing with undead, it's their job to call you on your bullcrap. That's just what good friends do. Shoot you, and be honest. 

3) Can You Take First Watch?
In the inevitable rise of the masses and hordes of satan as undead vile beasts, it's going to happen from time to time that every person has to take first watch.  What I mean is, when camping in the woods overnight desperately tired, someone has to take the difficult job of staying awake longer and protecting your sleepy butt from undead.

You can't just go to bed, because if you BOTH go to bed, then NEITHER person will be assured of waking up.  Despite their longing for brains and loud, hole-in-chest breathing, many zombies can be quiet when sneaking up on prey.  So, at night, someone should always be on watch, and that first watch, where you're already tired, but need to be alert for the safety of your friends, can be HARD. However, SOMEONE will always have to do it, and that someone will eventually be you.

In friendship, that's the case too.  Sometimes you're down in the dumps, and you just can't be fun.  You need a friend whose job it is to occasionally be the strong one, and supportive.  If you're making friends with someone who WON'T be supportive, you're entering a miserable, give but never receive, sort of friendship.  No one wants that.  It's unpleasant. So, seriously ask yourself if your friends are able to take that first, hard step sometimes, and be the tough supportive figure.  This applies to friendships, romance, even sibling relationships...but most importantly, it applies to zombies.  Because seriously, if no one takes first watch, you're going to wake up with your intestines being removed by a bleeding undead beast. Someone has to bite the figurative bullet, and be the rock that others rely on from time to time.

4) What if you're the last two person on earth?
In Zombie movies, as in life, you're often surrounded by people you don't love.  That's where that famous statement comes in, 'not if you were the last other person on earth.' 
First, harsh.  If you ever turn someone down with this line, you're stating that there is no reasonable reason, no matter what situation you're placed in, and no matter how much you've both changed, that you will tolerate this person.  That's...horrifyingly harsh.  I mean, come on.  But, in a friendship, it's actually a good question to ask.  If you have to spend a lot of time with this person, if there were no one else around, would you be able to tolerate each other practically indefinitely? 

We all have friends we enjoy from time to time, meaningless friends whose presence is at best pleasant, or more accurately, not ACTIVELY unpleasant, and so we keep these people around.  WHY?  If you want to have friends, have FRIENDS.  Have yourself a group of people you ENJOY, not tolerate.  You need to find someone that you'd be able to enjoy even if you had to spend a practical eternity with them.  That's not to say they must be perfect, but only that you think you can get past their insecurities and faults in a meaningful way.  If you can at best tolerate them, and if you never find yourself APPRECIATING their idiosyncrasies, they're not the friend for you, and you shouldn't put yourself and them through the ordeal of trying to be nice to someone you hate. 

If zombies ate everyone else, and you were stuck forever with one person, you'd at least want them to be enjoyable.  I don't know about you, but alone forever is still better than stuck with someone horrible forever.

After all, if he and you were the last two people on earth, it wouldn't be long before you'd be THE last person on earth.

5)  Can you laugh with them when you're moments from horrifying death?
Last, but certainly not least, let's consider more than who in the relationship is in charge(point 1) or how long you'll appreciate their company(point 4).  Let's ask the BIG question...is this someone you have fun with even when shit gets ugly?  In the hilarious comedy horror movie "Shaun of the Dead", there are several scenes that show this perfectly, such as the one below.

In the end, even, when (SPOILERS) Ed is about to die after being bit, he manages to make a fart joke and give everyone a laugh.  That's what you want in a buddy, someone who can make you laugh even if the whole damned world seems evil and terrifying.

Now, it's not hard to see the parallel to real life here, but it's easy to see why that's IMPORTANT.  Much of the time, life's great, and most people get along just fine. But a really GOOD friend sees you unhappy and scared and farts, because laughter is FAR more enjoyable than sobbing, and because farts are still hilarious, no matter how old you get.

If you're seriously looking for a friend, you want someone who fits these questions.  You want the gun-toting, zombie killing, tireless, serious and yet hilarious hero who steps into the zombie movie and turns it from horror to comedy.

Or, if you're trying to think about friendship WITHOUT fixating on zombies:
If your buddy is someone who knows when to lead or step down, calls you on your shit, takes the burden when you're too tired, doesn't grate on you after a few hours, and knows when to fart to break the silence, you've got yourself a quality friend. 
And who said trashy horror films had nothing to teach? 



Thanks for reading my blog!  I hope you enjoy it, and it makes you think!  Feel free to comment in the comment section below, or check out my other older posts.



If you liked THIS post, you might enjoy "Brian Allman, Zombie Hunter" or you might read more of my absurd applications of fiction to reality in, "Fat People Have Superpowers"