The Annual Family Fight: Happy Holidays From BB+B

Every year at Christmas, as much of my family as possible gathers together, to celebrate the holidays.  When I was a bit younger, we'd all drive to my grandparents house where my family and the other 3 families in our particular Allman clan would eat my grandmother's delicious cooking, sit around the fireplace as my rotund grandfather put on a silly Santa hat and made the loudest and most impatient grandchild the 'elf' of the year to keep them quiet, and gave each other presents.  I loved this tradition, and I looked forward to the family Christmas for the rest of the year.

As an adult, it has become harder and harder for my family to get together each year at Christmas.  Now, my sister lives in the northern midwest with her husband (their 3rd wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks!), my brother moves around from place to place in the military, and I'm currently residing in Fairbanks Alaska, in order to prove to myself that sunlight and warmth are not true human necessities. My parents live in Texas, though, which is much further from my Grandparent's place than my childhood home.  This means that each year instead of going to see the grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, we now spend our family Christmases gathering usually 2/3 of the children in Texas, and having a nice vacation down south.

As with any family, we fall into patterns, and the same silly problems erupt every year.  My brother, an admittedly sour and gruff sort, offends or insults my sister or I, and then she and/or I (usually and) get whiny, make a fuss, and our parents spend the holidays trying desperately to control the fallout of our unnecessary squabbles.  It's a holiday tradition I like to call the "Annual family fight", and I've become well versed in its trends.

My mother, bless her angelically lovable soul, tries to keep friendly and calm despite the shenanigans going on around her.  My brother, sister, and I fight and she bakes cookies, arranges fun movies, and sets up absolutely flawless parties and get-togethers that my siblings and I inevitably almost ruin with our petty problems.

My father, a king among men, enforces sibling peace through the holiday.  He tells us to shut our damned mouths and hug, finds the perfect family movies to watch, and then helps cook (because despite being a very manly man, he cooks better than your average 5 star restaurant's chef) for whatever fun parties my mother artfully arranges.

At the end of each holiday's "family fight" we find a few days of blissful peace together, before heading off back to our real lives.  It's a wonderful Christmas tradition, and I sincerely enjoy it more and more each year, though I admit I would prefer the event to have less fighting, but I cannot control that as well as I'd like.

These are my parents.  They're wonderful people with seemingly infinite patience, and I'm lucky they're in my life.

Fighting is a natural part of being in a family.  If you have siblings, you know that it's nearly impossible to enjoy a sibling's company without a few meaningless squabbles and petty fights breaking out most days. This is especially true during holidays, when we're all trying to re-learn how to relax after months and months of being busy with work, school, or our normal personal lives. 
Whenever you show up to see family for vacation, it takes at least 3-4 days to settle into your comfortable rhythms together, and 3-4 more before you actually feel relaxed like a vacation should. Perhaps that explains our annual family fight.  Or, perhaps it's something else. 

Personally, I think it's something much simpler:  I think that all families, after being apart for so long, simply cannot remember how to interact.  The things that we love about each other (for me it's my sister's emotional and caring personality, my brother's stoic strength, my mom's infinite perseverance in troubled situations, and my father's stern but loving guidance) have all been forgotten in our time apart.  We have to re-learn each other's habits and behaviors.  We have to get reacquainted to being with family members that we only see once or twice a year. Then, when we get reacquainted, we have to move past the old version of ourselves that our families remind us about. Only once we're accustomed to being with family again and after we move past the reminders of our past selves can we enjoy the holidays without fighting.

That's why holidays are always so rough to start.  You have to re-learn old relationships you thought you understood.  You have to get past the old version of yourself that your family reminds you of.  You have to ignore the sneaking suspicion in the back of your head that you all cannot get along anymore, and you have to smile, hug, and accept your family as they are today. It's not easy, but it's necessary, and once you get past that pesky acceptance stage, you actually enjoy being around your family again.

That's why this year, I'm trying to rush the process along. 
My brother has managed to be an intolerable ass since I got here:  I don't blame him, I'm rather convinced that as his twin I must have absorbed all the 'nice' in the womb and left him the unhealthily share of 'grumpy' and 'gruff'. I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm a very liberal atheist scientist currently visiting a particularly conservative area of a religious and conservative state. I'm even mostly over the disappointment of missing out on seeing my lovely sister this year, since I know I'll see her sometime this summer.

I am resolved to make this holiday a good one, and I am resolved to spend as much time as possible being friendly and fun instead of aggressive and harsh this December. I am going to be friendly and loving and ignore the profoundly 'Texas' surroundings.  I'll focus on my love of spending time with my family, and the fun of the holiday.  I will not allow the 'Annual Family Fight' to progress even one step further. 

I'm an atheist, but even I know that the spirit of the holidays is hope and love.  I'm extremely liberal, but even I know that it's acceptable to respond 'merry christmas' instead of the more politically correct 'happy holidays' that seems to unnaturally rile up the local Texans. Even as a sibling, I know that it's probably better if I can manage to avoid the fighting this year and focus instead on the family love.

I hope you all will join me this holiday season in ignoring the petty squabbles, the religious arguments, and the political strife. Let's all do our best to turn over a new leaf, and make the annual holiday traditions focus more on fun and family than frustration and fighting. Let's make it a very happy holiday, and bear whatever we must so that we can get back to our real lives in a few weeks well rested, happily stuffed with holiday feasts, and looking forward to next year's holiday traditions.

From Beards Bears and Brian, I wish you all a wonderful and happy Holiday season. 
Stay warm, keep smiling, and try to ignore the voice in the back of your head telling you to argue with your family this year.

Thanks as always, and I have appreciated you all reading my blog in its first year.  I hope as 2013 approaches I can make it even better, and you all can enjoy my musings and thoughts even more.

Ho-Ho-Ho, Happy Holidays (Christmas, Hannukah, or whatever holidays you all celebrate),Brian, The Author guy.

And for your amusement, here's a photo of me from 5 years ago,
celebrating the holidays with a barrel of monkeys toy I was given as a gag gift.

Why Nice Guys and Nerds Never Get a Date: A Melodramatic Explanation

Someone recently asked me why I'm single...Me, Brian of BB+B fame and glory! Why I, of anyone on this planet, is forced to walk alone in my endless journeys. He asked why I, of all the wondrous beacons of light that are myself and my companions, found myself alone at the end of each day. It was a worthwhile question, and so I gave it my full attention.

I took a moment and looked down at myself, before looking back up and meeting my friend's questioning gaze. Clearly, it could not be my looks. I mean, with a mane of such lustrous chest hair, I imagine that I am like a magnet, and women across the globe are all ferrous metals waiting to be drawn in. With such strong arms, I must appear as a stalwart lighthouse on the seas of life, and any woman who sees me must be drawn to this bastion of strength and comfort. No, it certainly couldn't be my looks.

To continue building the suspense, I looked to the right of me, where no one was sitting, and I pondered the empty chair. Such a lonesome thing, quietly waiting for more attention. It clearly sought a buttocks, well formed and feminine, to fill the hole in its life, and simultaneously to fill the space in my heart where a woman could go. The chair was not the problem though, on a sign that a problem existed. So I continued my search for a cause of my single-hood, and turned my eyes skyward, so that I could think in my head privately for a moment.

Having a GLORIOUS MUSTACHE I began to twirl it in my fingers, pensive for a moment about the incredible simplicity of the question. I ran my thick, masculine fingers through the hairs that jutted from my upper lip in an attempt to physically hold on to the moments of pure and unending bliss that would surely come to me once I found the answer as to WHY I have not procured myself a long term relationship with a beautiful and intelligent woman.

Why, of all people, am I still single? I am, by all senses of the word, quite special. I am above average in height and girth. In ancient times, I would almost instantly be considered important and grand. I am well educated, so I can spend seemingly endless hours droning on and on about subjects no one cares about (which somehow proves that I'm educated, because only the well educated can spend so much time on such unimportant matters). I am quite pale, and my hair is a strange combination of golden brown and the darkest of blonde. Again, I am atypical, special MAGNIFICENT EVEN!

Having completed my train of thought, I looked back across the table at the buddy of mine who had asked and stated in a cool and collected low tone, "He who is himself more than merely a man is too much a man for any one woman, and thus he finds himself alone."

My buddy stared adoringly back at me, realizing I was imparting crucial wisdom to the world. He waited a moment, clearly turning my words over in his mind before asking me yet another question. He asked, "So, you think you're just so awesome no woman can handle you?"

I chuckled for a moment. Clearly, he had not understood. I drew breath as if I were about to wax and wane on a complex and beautiful subject, as if I were about to give to him the secrets of my soul and the logic for why I am alone. And I said simply, “No, but it sounded really cool.”

He blinked a few times and then tilted his head to the side. He finally worked up the courage to just simply ask me again, “So, really then, why are you single?”

I answered quickly this time, knowing full well that he and the world were wondering why I was single. It is important, after all, that I someday find myself wife and family, so that my lineage may pass on into the infinite future, likely creating silly and amusing stories for centuries to come.

And I answered him honestly, because I am nothing if not direct.

“I am single for one reason and one reason alone: I don't take time to ask out women. I wait for them to ask me out, or I flirt just enough to pique their interest but then go back to working long hours on my various commitments and personal interests. I spend my evenings at home or with male friends instead of going out and socializing.  I rarely if ever find the courage to ask anyone I enjoy out on a date, because I don't feel confident enough to do so most days. And I think, to be frank, that this is probably why most people are single. It's not because women 'friendzone' guys, and it's not because 'Nice guys finish last'. It's simply that we don't go out and ask anyone to date, and so don't actually date often enough to find the right person for a real relationship.  We never take the risks that dating requires, and so we never date."

My friend stared at me for a moment before admitting what he thought.  I might be paraphrasing a bit, but his response as I recall it was, “I think you might be right. And I think you just solved the ancient questions of why so many nice guys are single. I think you might have just figured out the secret to dating success....Brian, you're a genius, and amazing, and also handsome and funny."  Again, I might be paraphrasing, but that was the basic point of his response.

And with that, I solved the age old question...

Why do nice guys, quiet guys, nerdy guys, and shy guys never get dates?
Because they never ask anyone to go on a date. 

Suddenly, it seems pretty damned obvious.


Thanks for reading, and as always I suggest you leave a comment below or check out some of my other posts.  "Jerks Finish Last" and "Why Men Suck at Dating:  A Theory About Friendship" are related posts, so check those out first!

Thanks again for reading,
Brian, the Author guy.

Overly Protective Men of the World: Rejoice!

I'm naturally protective of the people in my life, particularly the women.   It's probably a bit old fashioned to admit, but when my sister (my senior by two years) dated a few guys back in the day, I liked to take them aside to give them 'the talk.' 

'The talk' is a very common and unpleasant affair.  Almost every guy at one point and time receives 'the talk' from someone's brother, or father.  Whenever a guy gets serious about a new girlfriend, 'the talk' will inevitably get passed along by someone who feels protective of her.  'The talk' usually starts with, "This isn't a threat, I just want to make sure you understand..." and ends with "and if you hurt her I will do unspeakable things to you, things so terrible they won't even know if it's your body." 

For me, I had the chance to deliver 'the talk' to a guy that seemed to not only respect what I said, but understand where I was coming from. It was several years ago now, and at the time my sister and Prince Charming had been dating for a few months, long enough that he was coming to meet her family. He was introduced and strutted around before us all (as every boyfriend eventually must be) and once he'd proven he was polite enough to gain my mom's approval and direct enough to gain my dad's respect, Prince Charming turned to my brother and I.  My brother, characteristically, gave him the stink eye and walked off. Trying to seem equally tough, I shook his hand unnecessarily hard and was just barely polite enough to seem friendly.  And, when my sister soon left the room, I quietly made some comment about 'I hope you're a nice guy, for her sake and your own'.  I was ready to leave with that introductory fragment of 'the talk' when Prince Charming shocked me....he actually had something to say in response.

Prince Charming put one hand on my shoulder, made quick eye-contact with me, and said "I love your sister, don't worry.  She's in good hands."

By addressing my concerns and by taking the time to go out of his way and talk to me, the little brother, Prince Charming won my respect as her boyfriend. At least as far as the first stage of familial acceptance goes, he'd passed with major success.

Dating is like winning at Mario:  If you beat one level, you still have to beat the rest of game!

For all of the protective and nervous brothers, fathers, friends, etc. that read this article, let me explain: I want to assuage your fears.  You see, it turns out that from time to time, the women in your life are going to find an amazing guy, a guy you WON'T have to threaten, and a guy you feel comfortable with the women of your life spending time with. 

For the women reading this article, if I seem like an old-fashioned idiot who doesn't think my sister can take care of herself, realize that I have NO DOUBTS about her ability to make good choices.  I also feel the need to try to protect her, anyway.  It's probably a bit of a caveman mentality but damnit, it's who I am and I love my sister too much to let her get hurt by a jerk I haven't at least threatened with violence.

But I've digressed long enough and have one more story about Prince Charming and my lovely sister to share. It's the tale of how Prince Charming went from being her boyfriend to being my own friend.

* * *

Several years ago my sister and I were visiting our family in Texas during a holiday break.  Prince Charming was there, and my parents decided that his presence deserved a photo-shoot of sorts.  So we went to a local park area and were set up into a few dozen cliched pictures, and were made to smile and pose like we were all having a rousing good time. It was a bit boring, but we endured because my mother loves her scrap-booking and it's not a tough request to spend a few hours helping her have a good time.  Eventually, however, my family decided that they wanted a really cute shot of myself, my sister, and Prince Charming in a giant old tree. 

Prince Charming, the thin and in-shape guy that he is, jumped into the crook of the tree about four feet off the ground and was just thin enough to squeeze into the V-shaped nook, and pull himself up.  I, on the other hand, lacked both the strength and size to get into the tree, and so I embarrassingly struggled for a few moments before backing up and muttering something about how I 'Didn't want to be in a stupid tree anyway'. I walked around to the back of the tree to see if there were other places to climb, and was quickly disappointed.  But now that I was out of the eye-line of my parents and thus not as easily embarrassed, Prince Charming decided he was going to be a pal and help me out.  He climbed into a stable position, thrust his arm down, and claimed he'd pull me up. 

Now, I'm a big guy.  I'm 6'2" and around 20 stone (that's old-fashioned speak for 'hard to lift into a tree'). So I didn't think that Prince Charming was going to be able to hoist me up.  But, I let him try, and with his help and my desperate scrambling, I actually managed to get into the tree.  And like a gentleman, Prince Charming didn't make a fuss about it. He didn't even tell anyone that I'd required his assistance to get into the tree.  He just moved on, like it wasn't a big deal.  At that moment, Prince Charming was more than just my sister's boyfriend, he became my future Brother-in-law.  A simple and seemingly insignificant gesture to help me avoid embarrassment about my size made him my friend, and he handled himself so nicely that he proved himself to me. You see, he wasn't just nice to me when he needed my approval, he was nice to me because he wanted to be nice to me.  That's not something I'm accustomed to finding from my sister's old boyfriends, so it was rather shocking. I thanked the Prince for his kindness, then I helped my sister into the tree as well, and we took a very cute family picture.

Sister in the middle of the tree, me on the far right, and prince charming on the left. 
My parents are posed in front.

Many of us guys see our friends or family members being courted by jerks.  We see our sisters flirting with douchebags, and we know in our heart of hearts that she'll eventually be crying and sad about how he's just another in a long line of men who will disappoint her. We see our female friends shaken by another failed relationship with king of the assholes, who tricked her into thinking he was a good guy.

However, from time to time we can get lucky. Yes, overly protective men of the world, from time to time,  the women in our lives will choose a guy that's absolutely perfect for her.  He'll have the right temperament, and disposition, and he'll love her unconditionally.  He might not be a flawless person, but he'll definitely be a flawless match.  If you're lucky, you might find that he's like Prince Charming is with me:  Family. Because when he shows that he'll look out for her AND be friends and kind to you, a guy proves that he's not sticking around for a short while.  He's sticking around for the long-haul. He can be your Prince Charming:  Family. And nothing says family like carrying my big-ass into a tree, just so we can take a perfect family photo.


Thanks for reading!  Leave a comment below or check out other stories on BB+B, like "How lightsabers defeated depression" or "Basketball and brotherhood:  Twin troubles".
I always love hearing your feedback, so make sure you fill out the poll on the right side of the page before you leave!

As always, keep reading and have a great day,
Brian, the Author guy

The Top 5 Male Role Models in Fiction

Movies, books, and television are more than mere entertainment; They can teach important lessons about life, and offer role models for us to follow. In a culture where a singer can be beloved after beating his girlfriend and it seems that every sports icon has had multiple tawdry affairs, men really need a positive role model, and that's where these fictional characters come in.

That's why today I've compiled a list of my Top 5 fictional male role models. It was hard to choose just a few, but the list below still manages to showcase characters who teach us to be better men.

If you haven't read the books, watched the series, or seen the movies, Spoilers ahead!

5: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, from the 'Harry Potter' series.

The #5 slot is Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, wielder of the Elder Wand, and both a funny and surprisingly powerful wizard.

Richard Harris and Michael Gambon turned
a storybook character into a cultural icon

Why He Makes The List

Albus Dumbledore is a guy whose talent and power had him running hand-in-hand with a villain known as Grindelwald, but when Dumbledore had to stand and be counted, Dumbledore made the tough choice to choose a life of virtue and meaning instead of malice and power. Dumbledore saves the world multiple times, protects and teaches thousands of young wizards and witches, and orchestrates the seemingly impossible overthrow of the dark wizard Voldemort (I mean....He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). He's honorable, loving, caring, and wise. He's the wizard's version of the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Chuck Norris, and Bill Nye the Science Guy all rolled into one long-and-magnificently-bearded form.

4: Gimli, son of Gloin, from 'The Lord of the Rings' series.

The #4 slot is Gimli, the axe-wielding, massively-bearded dwarven member of the Fellowship of the Ring.

John Rhys-Davies brought Gimli to life in film in an amazing performance

Why He Makes The List

Gimli deserves a place on this list for his personality alone: He's not just honorable, he's unflinching. When he's faced with insurmountable odds, he responds by surmounting the insurmountable...and then by kicking ass and taking names.  Gimli is the little voice in every man's heart that says “STAND FOR SOMETHING” whenever the rest of the world screams “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP”. Gimli makes friends with the race his people are supposed to hate (elves), makes peace with their beautiful queen and impresses her more than any mortal she'd ever previously met (that's Galadriel, the gorgeous but terrifying blonde in the films). Gimli is honorable, stalwart, brave, caring, and accepting. He is more interested in doing what's right than what's easy.

3: Indiana Jones, A.K.A. Dr. Henry Watson Jones, Jr. from the 'Indiana Jones' series.

The #3 slot is Dr. Jones, the whip-wielding Nazi-fighting professor of Archeology.

Because Harrison Ford decided that Han Solo wasn't enough

Why He Makes The List

Dr. Jones doesn't just sell his archeological finds back to a museum, he either gives them to museums for free or returns the objects to their rightful owners. This man finds some of the most amazing treasures in human history, he faces evil left and right, and he does it...for no reward at all. Male role models are often brutes, but Indy is more than just a tough right hook and clever catchphrases. Dr Jones is all about being smart, even if he does occasionally rely on his handsome looks and, well, tough right hook. Indiana Jones figures out ancient and unsolved clues, knows the history of pretty much every religion or country on Earth, and still teaches as a college professor. Indiana Jones shows men that intellect, perseverance, honor, and bravery can eventually win out over evil. And best of all? He shows bravery despite being afraid, teaching generations of people that bravery is about overcoming fear, not being fearless.

2: Captain Mal, A.K.A. Ship Captain (and also Sergeant) Malcolm Reynolds, from the cult television series 'Firefly'.

The #2 slot is Mal Reynolds, the ex-military spaceship captain who fought to save the galaxy from oppression.

Nathan Fillion made a hell of a space-cowby

Why He Makes The List

It might surprise some people to see a man who ends up being a thief in most of his film and television appearances on the list of top male role models. However, that might actually make Mal an even better role model. Malcolm Reynolds joined a war to save people from subjugation, even though he knew the fight was likely lost from the start. He pursued honor in all his dealings, and avoided harming the innocent even even when he had to commit crimes. He stood up for his crew time after time without question, and he showed millions of viewers that being a realistic hero doesn't necessarily mean you have to be a wimp. He understood forgiveness, a virtue that most of us never manage to master, and he showed mercy, when lesser men would have been consumed by hate.  Malcolm Reynolds risked life and limb time and again for a good cause, because that's just the right thing to do. He was a modern cowboy, in every sense of the term.

1: George Feeny, from the television series 'Boy Meets World'.

The #1 top slot for the male role model in fiction goes to Mr. Feeny, the teacher and neighbor of the main character in the 'Boy Meets World' series.

William Daniels taught us that a teacher could also be a life-long friend

Why He Makes The List

Mr. Feeny is the archetype other shows, books, and movies base their teachers on. He's stiff, distant, and yet somehow also the perfect teacher. When his students gets manipulated by a con-man? George Feeny shows up to defend them. When someone's parent dies, it's George Feeny in the waiting room, ready to listen. As the series closed, after years of avoiding ever breaking the ever-important boundary between friend and teacher, he waits until he's all alone to tearfully admit “I love you all”, a moment of television that to this day gives me goose-bumps. Feeny protected children from criminals and manipulators, he gave everyone the fair chance at success regardless of their personality or background, and he taught more than simply academics (though apparently he could teach any academic subject to any age group with expert skill). He was a widower, ex-Navy, ultra intellectual who knew more than anyone ever seemed to realize. If there's someone every male should aspire to be, it's George Feeny.  He was intelligent, wise, careful, and precise and yet never wavered as a friend of confidant.
For the reasons already listed and for thousands of reasons more, Mr. Feeny is the #1 best male role model in fiction.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!  Do you have your own top 5 list?  Is there someone you think deserves to be listed here? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in a comment below, and check out some other similar posts from BB+B, like "Books and Movies, Meeting the Perfect Match" and "5 Behaviors Everyone Hates (And How They Should be Punished)"

Thanks!
-Brian, the Author Guy