My Inner Monologue Is a Disney Villain

How we portray ourselves to the outside world and how we think about the outside world are extremely different things.  That's a pretty obvious statement, but hang with me for a minute, I promise that I've got a serious point. The difference, I think, is the way we WANT to act, and the way we choose to act.  While a five year old doesn't worry about how his peers might reflect on his choices, an adult usually spends significant effort and time worrying about how they might be evaluated based on their decisions.

Personally, this has resulted in my outer self being (at least usually) polite and forgiving.  When someone cuts me off in traffic, I wave at them to let them know there aren't hard feelings.  When I shop at the supermarket, I I always smile and try to thank whoever helps me, or rings me up.  At restaurants I leave generous tips, and thank the service staff for their time.

But my inner dialogue isn't so nice.  My inner dialogue is like a catty teenage girl, frequently making judgments and thinking unkind things at strangers.  Today, on my way across town to run errands, I saw a pedestrian crossing in the middle of the street instead of walking to the crosswalks nearby, and I slowed down and gave them a smile and friendly little wave to say, "Have a good day, stranger!  I hope your walking activities are thoroughly enjoyable!"

Internally, though, my mental dialogue was quite different.  My inner monologue was more, "I swear to the LORDS ABOVE AND EVERY SAINT WHO HAS WALKED THE EARTH, IF PEOPLE DON'T START USING CROSSWALKS I'M GOING TO SEE HOW THEY LIKE GETTING CRUSHED BENEATH MY TITANIC CAR OF VENGEANCE!" While I smiled pleasantly, inside my head there was a rampage of frustration that this random pedestrian refused to follow the rules, putting them in danger and inconveniencing me in a minor fashion. But, hey, minor or not, I was furious nonetheless.

They key is not letting anyone see your red-hot flames of fury.

When I got to the market, I tried to pull into a parking lane but couldn't drive forward because an old lady was apparently driving the wrong way down a one-way parking lot.  So, I backed up, carefully waved her on, and gave her a thumbs up to say, "I know you drove the wrong way, but I don't take offense!  I'm just glad to have the opportunity to help you on your way.  Here, let me back my car up so you can get out! I'm certain you made a simple mistake, which is why you didn't drive the right way!"

Inside my head, I got mean.  "SERIOUSLY?  ARE YOU TRYING TO CONFIRM EVERY SUSPICION AND STEREOTYPE AT ONCE?  OLD WOMAN ASIAN DRIVER MOVING 4 MPH IN THE WRONG LANE IN A CAR SO LARGE YOU CLEARLY CAN'T SEE OVER THE STEERING WHEEL?  WHAT IS THIS, AMATEUR HOUR?"

I mostly just wanted to use this gif...
I didn't actually think that line. I thought MUCH meaner things.

I holstered my rage, found a parking spot, and went inside.  I managed to walk past the dozen carts people were too lazy to put away without much anger (which, hey, is an improvement over my attitude most days!), I moved past the obviously poor parenting woman waiting at the store entrance (her daughter was cussing and screaming and whining about something I didn't understand, and the mother sat talking on her cell phone with someone named Debbie about someone named Mark), and pushed my way inside.

I had no time to be evil, so I only managed a disappointed glare.

Inside, I got through quickly and easily, and was on my way out of the store without another internal rage-fest.  I was actually feeling almost pleasant.  Then I noticed that someone had parked next to my car so close I couldn't get into it.  They had parked OVER the yellow line, and were literally under 6 inches from my driver-side door.  To get into my car I had to climb from the passenger side door.  Again, my inner supervillain surfaced and I briefly let myself imagine the terrible things I would say to this person, if they were actually nearby.  "You parked THAT close?  Did you see the line?  When you got out, started walking towards the shop, did it occur to you that this would inconvience me?  Oh, it didn't?  PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A MORON.  PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DESERVE HUNDREDS OF VELOCIRAPTORS HUNTING YOU DOWN LIKE THE SAD SACK OF FLESH AND IDIOCY YOU ARE."

I admit, I was lost in my head and smiling for several seconds while imagining releasing my rage on this obnoxious terrible parking-job individual, but there was nothing I could do so I pulled out (made much harder by the car's proximity to mine) and headed home.  And as unfathomable as it seems, at the same place, the same random pedestrian crossed in front of me.  Again.  Not with a traffic light, on a road with a 50 MPH limit, this same idiot ignored the crosswalk at the end of the block and just slowly meandered across the busy road.  Worse yet, this time, they made eye contact with me...and smirked.

They SMIRKED at me while inconveniencing me slightly, and the villain in my head couldn't even begin to handle it.

"THIS IS IT.  THIS IS THE REASON I WILL DESTROY THE PLANET.  WHEN THE FIRES OF MY VENGEANCE CONSUME YOU, WHEN ALL ON EARTH BEGINS TO CRUMBLE TO ASH AND DUST, YOU WILL ASK YOURSELF WHY IT HAD TO HAPPEN.  YOU WILL ASK WHAT CAUSED SUCH EVIL TO BE BORN.  AND I WILL ANSWER; THAT ONE GUY.  THAT JAYWALKING DEVIL AND HIS SMIRK OF MALFEASANCE HAD TO BE PUNISHED BY CLEANSING FIRE. And when the world weeps, and feels my rage, they will know that THIS son of a ***** was the reason for their suffering, and they will hate him ALMOST as much as I do right now.  BUT STILL NOT QUITE AS MUCH.  BECAUSE I HATE HIM JUST THAT DAMNABLY BAD."

The pedestrian made it across the road and I slowly pulled my foot off the break.  The pedestrian still looked at me, the same taunting smirk on his face. He raised his hand to get the 'thank you' wave that he clearly didn't genuinely mean, and I smiled and waved back.  After all, it's important that I seem polite in public, right?  I mean, I'd have to be CRAZY to let anyone else know the terrible, comically villainous anger that pops into my head when people don't follow social rules...

And there you have it:  Though I'm a pretty nice guy, and I like being polite, internally, I'm like a caricature of Disney villains.  I rage at minor problems, genuinely hate people who inconvenience me even a little, and couldn't tolerate bad drivers even if my life depended on it.  And don't even get me STARTED on people who decide to talk politics just to argue...

*Cough Cough* most people *Cough Cough*

In any case, rage-y or not, painfully similar to Hades from the Disney film Hercules or not, I can genuinely say I hope your days don't involved frustration, or evil inner monologues.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say I wish you a wonderful day, a great weekend, and after that, a wonderful week.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you'll stop by BB+B again soon!
-Brian