Jerks Finish Last

This is a very long post...but I think it's worth the read.

The following thoughts are not the random ravings of an overzealous 21 year old, excited to make a point to his peers and the internet. No, they’re the random ravings of an overzealous 22 year old, excited to make a point to his peers and the internet. So, I’m pretty sure that makes it fact.

One of the first things I ever learned about dating was the simple fact that nice guys finish last. It’s such a common phrase that we seem to think it applies in every situation, from business to romance, as a universal truth.

But (HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS!) it’s not a fact! The quote wasn’t even originally about people! It was about baseball!

DOES THIS STEREOTYPICAL ROMANCE MOVIE LOOK LIKE IT’S ABOUT BASEBALL? OR A ‘JERK’?

Let’s get crazy here for a moment and start talking some facts:
There’s a theory called the ‘dark triad’, that states that being full of yourself, manipulative, and a risk-taker together create a sort of ideal candidate for many women to date. Effectively, it’s this theory that seems to imply that every woman everywhere is out to date the bad-boy, and these 3 traits (Narcissism, Machiavellian personality, and Risk-Taking behaviors) are the overlapping traits that will attract women to bad-guys and jerks. Pretty much, mean/self-absorbed/manipulative=LOTS O’ LADIES.
There’s even research into the genetic predisposition and evolutionary history of this theory. It’s such a pervasive belief system that we hear it talked about in the news, radio, books, and even being taught in school. Sure, it’s rather untested, doesn’t fit into theories of altruism/cooperation that we see repeatedly tested and repeated in nature and human culture, but it’s got SUCH A GOOD NAME IT HAS TO BE ACCURATE AND APPLICABLE TO EVERY PERSON EVER!

But anyhow, I said I learned about this belief system (Nice guys finish last, not the Dark Triad) in school? Absolutely! I was told that my awkward and nervous behaviors would be unappealing to women, by a female teacher! She gave me a long-winded lecture, way back when, in order to encourage me to be more confident, and to be less of a doormat.
Effectively…she told me to be more assertive, in order to be well liked.
THANK WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN (SUCH AS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, THOR) THAT HAPPENED! I DIDN’T EVEN BECOME A JERK, BUT I LEARNED TO BE ASSERTIVE! CRAZY!

Thor doesn’t approve of Jerks. Just ask those people he’s killing…they seem like jerks.

And here’s why:
Nice guys don’t finish last. Being assertive and direct isn’t the same as being a jerk. Being a nice guy doesn’t mean women see you as useless and asexual. And in fact…sometimes they finish first (like in this documentary, by Richard Dawkins!)

http://science-documentaries.com/?p=765

In fact, every time I hear that old adage, it makes me angry.

See, there are a lot of OTHER things that women like. For example, confidence. At an evolutionary level, Confidence=has a reason to be confident. That’s right, ladies, you like the confident guy because he’s showing off his genetic superiority, not because he’s ‘so dreamy’ (Well…maybe he’s dreamy because he’s confident…but the point being, it’s not some higher order thought process, it’s sexy because he’s bragging about his fertility and whatnot.)

And more than just that, nice guys are not just nice to potential mates! They can be nice to everybody! They hold open doors, they pull out chairs, they clean up after the party. They’re sexy as hell to people because we’re all subconsciously thinking, “Wow, he sure is altruistic, and that means a genetic pairing with him might encourage offspring that would have increased survivability due to their continued altruism.” Women like nice people who are nice to EVERYONE, not just them!
Also…the nice guy described above seems like a cool bro, right? And we all like that. I HATE opening doors, and cleaning…if someone did it for me, I sure would like them! And maybe be attracted…if it was a lady...who was also attractive. BUT CONTINUING:

This rant isn’t just a rant; it’s leading into a story. This isn’t some ‘when I was five’ story, either. It happened a few weeks back, because apparently even ADULTS believe that ‘nice guys finish last’ bullcrap.

THE STORY:

The other day, I was talking with another graduate student up here in Alaska. (If you don’t know, I’m in a Biology program in Alaska. I explained so you don’t ignore the story, and instead wonder why the hell I would live in Alaska.)
As we walked along an ice-covered sidewalk, bundled up in several hundred layers of clothing, desperate to keep warm in the frigid temperatures (BECAUSE IT’S FRIGGIN’ ALASKA), he turned to me, and rather bluntly stated:
“Brian, I’m fucking depressed.” With my natural gift at reading body language, and picking up nuances in conversation, I quickly realized he was upset, and asked him what was wrong.
“I just feel like crap.” He continued to give me subtle hints that something was bothering him. So, I chose to let him know of my nearly supernatural skill with subtlety.
“Wow…you sound pretty upset…almost…depressed.” He didn’t say anything but I could tell he was impressed with my insight, and skill at elucidating problems.
“Umm, yeah, right…anyhow, I’m just feeling sort of crappy about this chick.” He’d been actively pursuing a gorgeous woman, and she was, from my understanding, interested in him as well, and he’d told me about several successful dates.
Knowing I was about to be confided in, I adopted my most caring ‘Listening Bro’ face, and kept walking, pointedly avoiding eye contact, as is required whenever two guys talk about something serious.
I asked specifically, “What went wrong? I thought you two were hitting it off.”
“That girl, Superhot McGiantBoobs (This is, in fact, not her real name, though it would be a very accurate name if it were) turned me down. She didn’t explain, she just sort of called it off. ”
“SHE TURNED YOU DOWN? After 5 dates, she calls it off? What for? You’re always really nice to her, and you guys talk all the time. Plus, you’ve been on like five dates already.” I assured him, with this statement, that I was listening to him previously. SEE HOW GOOD I AM AT BEING CONFIDED IN?
“I KNOW! But, I’m nice, and every girl hates nice guys. Only the jerks ever get women.” I didn’t want to argue, so I let him continue. “We went out a bunch of times, and then she suddenly tells me she doesn’t feel the same way? I say, ‘Hey, so are you ready to like, go on a real date’, and she gets all, ‘I wanna be friends.’ What a bitch!”
I was confused. “What do you mean a real date? I thought you guys went out before.”
“We did, we just went to her place with a group of people and watched a movie, or like, grabbed food after class. I was asking her to actually go on a real date, though.”
“Oh,” I clarified, “You didn’t go on dates though? Before now?”
“No, you don’t get it! We went on, like, really casual dates, and the minute I bring up that I actually like her, she gets freaked out and bitches out. I tell her how I feel, and she turns me down, because I was too nice!”
“What?” I asked, frustrated.
He stopped, and made eye contact, suddenly extremely serious. “She just wanted to be friends. She bitched out, and told me she didn’t even like me.”
And that’s when it hit me…he’d been a nice guy, acting friendly, and hanging out in a group, or catching a bite after class, and suddenly decided that this girl was a bitch because she didn’t want to date him. Somehow, in his mind, not wanting to date made her the villain, and the only explanation was that he, as a nice guy, was being screwed…because he’s nice. And he’d never said anything previously, but somehow, she was supposed to know, understand his intentions, and therefore inherently love him back.
So, being the blunt and somewhat socially inept person I am, I responded, “How’s that her fault? You weren’t clear. Sounds like your fault.”
He must’ve thought I was confused, because he waved his hands as if to ward off my logic. “No, Brian, it’s not that. She knew, I mean, come on. We went out, after class, and she even had me over for a movie. Plus, everybody knows I like her. No, it’s fate. Nice Guys Finish Last.”
And, sensing I was engaging in one of those classic, ‘Immovable Object and Unstoppable Force’ situations, I disengaged and went my own way, choosing not to argue.

And with that, let me explain more clearly why I’m frustrated.

This was on facebook, funnyjunk, reddit, tumblr, twitter, pinterest, 9gag, and nearly every single online posting site I was able to find. It was passed around and liked/shared by thousands of people. It reinforced a belief that lots of guys had internally, but didn’t know how to express.
And it’s bullshit.

What, is every nice guy WITH a girl a secret jerk? Perhaps it’s just that those girls are too rare to find for other people, the exotic, ‘Not-Attracted-To-Jerks subspecies of women’? Or crazier yet, perhaps the problem isn’t the women at all. Perhaps as men, we’re all hurting the nice guys, by not throwing them chicks? Perhaps the key to this mindset is to realize that people seem to honestly believe that being polite and quiet is the same thing as being a true ‘nice guy’, as if by virtue of being polite, everyone ever sees you as nice. Or maybe the problem lies in the graph, where the original creator mentions being poor and ugly. Maybe the women DO care that he’s poor, because all women are apparently money-obsessed, and only date rock-hard-ab’d, rich and successful jerks. It’s why Charlie Sheen has so many women, right?

Before I get into my own tirade, there’s a great comic online that rather succinctly expresses my point:

http://www.girlswithslingshots.com/comic/gws-1280/
(The above link is from “Girls with Slingshots” and is a perfect representation of exactly what I mean. Plus, it’s a really funny webcomic, though often adult-themed, and perhaps awkward for younger people or those with a great deal of formality and decorum on the internet. Still…check it out.)

I don’t understand how this lie became so pervasive!
I spent years believing this crap-and-a-half line until one girl specifically told me she was dating me because I was nice. She dated me, despite my overwhelming size, slight lisp, messy hair, and terrible lack of a vocal filter….because I was nice. She liked that I ignored my faults, asked her out without months of slowly building my courage; she adored the fact that I told her my intentions clearly.

She made me realize, with a sliver of hope, I could see the world in a new way…
I WASN’T A JERK…BUT I COULD GET WOMEN! BY BEING CONFIDENT, AND NICE!

Women don't like being belittled? This makes me happy!

And after all of these exciting thoughts, I decided to start being careful about what I said, and watching from the outside when people flirted and failed, or succeeded. And I made a new discovery, with my newfound metacognitive awareness.

JERKS OFTEN SUCCEED, NOT BECAUSE WOMEN LIKE JERKS, BUT BECAUSE THEY’RE CLEAR, BLUNT, AND CONFIDENT!
The ‘nice guys’ failed more often because of their unclear intentions, nervousness, pitiful body-language, and lack of confidence.
The ‘jerks’ that succeeded all approached women directly, then stated their intentions, smiled, and kept eye-contact.

So why am I writing this? Well, first, I found the fact that it was such a common belief even among my adult friends shocking. Second, because I’m writing a blog, and writing things down seems to go along with that.
And finally: Because I wanted to let everyone everywhere know my magical discovery! I wanted to tell women that SOME MEN do realize that they don’t HATE nice guys. I wanted to tell men everywhere that perhaps the issue isn’t your ‘nice’ personality, but your lack of effort, clarity, and confidence. I wanted to refute an old saying, which I find untrue, instead of constantly reinforcing the idiotic belief that women are only attracted to jerks.

I don’t deny that some women are attracted to jerks. I don’t deny that many men are ‘friendzoned’ by women. I absolutely don’t deny that many times, being nice means you’re more often taken advantage of, like when you end up holding the door open for someone, and it takes a thousand years for someone to take the door for YOU, and your arm gets tired, and no one says thank you, and all you want is to go inside, but you still can’t, and you’re so tired, and WHY IS NO ONE ELSE HOLDING THE GODDAMNED DOOR, and wow, she said thanks, so that was nice, but why didn’t THAT guy hold the door, and why does this person look mad at me for holding the door, and OH GOD IT’S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS, I GIVE UP…and you go inside.

Jerks are just that: Jerks. They’re mean, unpleasant people. Nice guys well liked, respected, and appreciated people, whose pleasant attitudes win them friends, women, and success.

The next time a friend tells you that they’re screwed by women, that life is unfair, and that they’re only unsuccessful and single because of their kindhearted and caring personality, remind them that they’re quoting a baseball quote, not meant to be applied to relationships, that has been refuted in politics, evolutionary biology, and even genetic theory. Remind them that if nice guys always finish last, we’ve got some very confused ideas about our famous American heroes, altruistic soldiers, and civil-rights pioneers, and that they need to explain why people gravitate to nice-guys, if they’re so universally ‘last place’.

And if you’re still with me, at the end, this song from youtube users ‘KevJumba’ and ‘NigaHiga’ seems rather fitting.