What To Do When Time-Traveling

If you could go back in time, to any point, and of course be assured that your actions wouldn't paradoxically prevent you from going back in time, what would you do?  This question actually appeared as a topic of a college entrance essay back when I applied to my undergraduate school, and since then has appeared again and again in literature discussion, writing classes, and of course late night conversations slurred over an empty mug.

Everyone's answers are different, and unique.  Everyone has their own ideas, after all, and own interests.  I couldn't be bothered to go back and check on Jesus, for example, but I doubt I'm in the minority who would be interested in visiting a young Charles Darwin (HAPPY BELATED DARWIN DAY, FROM YESTERDAY!)  What's absolutely certain, however, is that there is a true 'right' answer to this question.  What would you do if you could go back in time?  IF you're smart, you'll do each of the following:

4) Meet your ancestors.  

I'm not suggesting you pull a Marty Mcfly and make out with your mom, or anything terrible like that.  Rather, it seems to me to be common sense that one of the most important things you could do as a time traveler is meet the people who matter in your life...before you were in their life! Imagine seeing your dad whine as a late teen about how unfair his parents are.  Imagine the hilarity of seeing the grandpa who always complained about the 'uphill both ways' life style he grew up in, and realizing he MIGHT just be exaggerating.  And imagine how fascinating it would be to see how your lineage began.  Seriously, if you get a chance to time travel and pass up seeing your ancestors as far back as you can trace, you're wasting your time.

3) Meet your personal heroes

Everyone has their favorite personal hero.  As a kid, they were your 'go-to' subject for a book report, your model to plan your career after, and commonly also the inspiration for the name of your favorite stuffed animal.  If you get the chance to go back in time, take a few minutes of your amazing journey and visit the heroes of the world, and appreciate the amazing things that they'll be in the process of doing from a whole new perspective.  Imagine the amazement you'd feel watching Einstein working at his desk, his pencil tracing a formula that would unlock our understanding of the entire universe.  Imagine the power and meaning you would experience hearing the first-hand account of Martin Luther King Jr. And of course, imagine being able to time travel back home and brag to your friends about how you made out Cleopatra, or Marilyn Monroe, in their prime.  Admittedly, you might need to have charm and grace to pull that last one off, but if you've got a time-machine, I'll just assume you can manage the charm as well. If you ever get a chance to time travel and don't go see Ghandi, MLK Jr., Einstein, and any other amazing hero that pops into your mind, a time machine has been wasted on you. 

2) Prank your past self

Basically the plot to the second and third Austin Powers films

I can't be the only one who's imagined doing this, so I feel comfortable admitting something I would normally keep quiet:  If given the chance, I would be a complete and total jackass to my past self.
Seriously!
And I think you should be too.  Imagine for a moment that right now, a future version of yourself suddenly popped into view.  Imagine that they look almost exactly like you, just older.  Perhaps they are wearing some obviously futuristic garb, or perhaps they step out of a giant blue phonebox speaking in a confusing riddle about how time itself is in peril.  First, assuming your past self doesn't instantly go insane, what would they do?  What would, I guess the better question is, YOU do?  I even have a plan for what I'd ask my young self, and tell him about the world.  First, I would ask him if he's met his soulmate yet...I'd constantly make vague allusions to her in my dialogue, and I'd drop hints that she was royalty.  Why?  Because by doing so you would set your younger self on a path that they'd believe DESTINY had created for them.  It would either fail comically, or it would result in their certainty giving them strength and purpose enough to eventually MARRY ROYALTY.  And of course, I'd tell my past self that he was going to save the world, and that I should watch for a purple and grey meteorite.  And then, I would go.  If I ever travel back in time, I'm pranking past me, and getting a chuckle at my own strange confusion and likely misfortune. 

1) Kill Hitler

It's really the only consistent rule to time travelling: Kill Hitler. Also, thanks to XKCD for the amazingly fitting comic.

There are a lot of people in history that would probably benefit the world if they were killed.  Genocides could be stopped, murders prevented, violence reduced, and the world would be a better place for each and ever removal of the true villains of history.  But if you have a time machine, I suggest you prioritize.  Don't go back and pick on your middle school bullies now that you're an adult.  Don't waste your time on the other 3 'Must-Do' suggestions of time travel.  First, and definitely foremost, kill Hitler. I mean, if you create time travel and don't kill Hitler, you're basically PROTECTING Hitler from time-travel justice, and I'm pretty sure that's a guaranteed ticket to hell.  So remember, if you ever find a time machine, create a time machine, or are mysteriously given control over time and space, forget whatever petty troubles are going on in your life and do the right thing:  Go back in time and Kill Hitler.

This One Time, At Scout Camp...

For those of you who are new to the blog or simply haven't read some of the older posts, it might come as a surprise to know that I, Brian Allman, used to work for the Boy Scouts of America.  I stopped working for the BSA once I was forced by the adult world, to get a 'real' job that paid 'real' wages, and advanced my 'adult career'. But while I eventually stopped working for the BSA, I have never stopped loving that job, and that camp nestled into the north woods of Wisconsin, called Ma-Ka-Ja-Wan. And if I'm being honest, I've also never stopped talking or writing about Ma-Ka-Ja-Wan.

I have good stories, and bad ones. Some of my sad stories talk about my various problems as a BSA employee: The living arrangements left much to be desired, I had to deal with angry old scoutmasters, and as the store manager for a year I had to spend my weekends doing inventory instead of playing around outside. Over the years, I had various other problems that at the time seemed monumentally terrible, which of course means they make for great stories. However, these nasty events were relatively rare, and after at the camp for several years, I can only think of a single summer that was, overall, unpleasant. In fact, aside from the basic living conditions, almost all of my stories are relatively positive.

This was my 'stump' where I lived one year: Two smelly teenagers
sharing a shed for months, on beds held together by ropes tape.

As a result of the primarily good times as a camp employee, and now looking back fondly on even the less than ideal times, I've become a bit camp-sick in my daily life.  I tell my stories of camp experiences to everyone I know, whether they're interested or not.  I even have camp-related urges that are MORE than just stories...Like nowadays, when I get nervous when I've been cooped up for too long without seeing a forest... or how, if I haven't seen a campfire in a few weeks I get the sudden urge to burst into camp songs, to alleviate my need for fun and outdoorsy memories. And of course, every time someone says "announcements" I have to stop myself from bursting into a cliche camp song.  Yes, even years later, I remain permanently camp-sick, and my constant stories and actions reflect that.

People who haven't even seen this place feel like they miss it!

However, knowing that I'm constantly in a state of camp-sickness means that I am now aware of JUST HOW MUCH I talk about camp:  Lots. I have tried to curb this behavior, because I was told that being focused on childhood or young adulthood isn't 'mature'.  I've learned to watch myself carefully, and stop speaking when I'm obviously obsessive about my younger years because it's not 'cool' to talk about your favorite stories, it's 'cool' to talk about your politics.  I've learned to hear myself say things such as, "Back when I worked with the boy scouts" and "In my camp-counselor days" and other statements of that ilk and switch the conversation or stories to more serious topics that are considerably less fun. No matter how amusing, it's probably not 'mature' to tell your friends and coworkers the hilarious story of the camper jokingly referred to as 'Dr. House Jr.', or about the time someone's sleepwalking habits left them confused and waking up in a bog.

Example of a good story:  I'm referred to as "Oatie the Oatmeal Man" and this
decoration has another story altogether!  So many great tales I want to share!

The problem is, who said that being adult inherently meant giving up on being fun, and fun stories?

Think about it:  I probably AM talking about camp too often. Yes, far too many of my stories begin with "This one time, at scout camp," in an accidental parody of the hilarious "American Pie" movie quote. And yes, I definitely misremember the stories in such a way that the whole experience is more fun to look back on than it probably really was. All of those accusations are accurate.

Because clearly, adult conversation topics are absolutely fascinating...

Just because I frequently share my camp stories, or stories from my past as a wildlife biologist doesn't mean that these experiences weren't incredible, and worth sometimes sharing!  Maybe some adults don't want to have a fun conversation, and maybe being 'truly mature' really has to involve listening to lectures about politics and religion and tax law. But maybe it's ALSO alright that adults share our funny tales of the past.  Personally, I think that it's OK to prefer talking about 'Dr. House Jr.' over talking about the steady crumble of the American economy.

Everyone wants to have good memories.  Everyone wants to have a great story to share.  And everyone needs a home away from home, a place that makes them feel happy and wistful.  So, while I admit that I probably talk about camp too much, I refuse to admit that this is a bad thing.  In my opinion, if everyone else got the chance to spend their younger years in a beautiful woodland, learning that hard work actually pays off and a job doesn't HAVE to be all about the money, maybe our culture would be a bit happier.  Maybe other people would have great stories to tell, too. Maybe, just maybe, it's OK that I'm camp-sick and want to go back to a time when money wasn't the only reason I went to work in the morning.

As Dr. Seuss once said, "Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them." Stop being so concerned about how your stories START, and start caring about what they CONTAIN.  I'd rather hear a thousand amusing stories that start, "This one time, at scout camp" than a single argument that starts with, "Let's talk politics for a second."

Besides...don't you want to know the REASON for the following picture?  Seems like it might be a PRETTY cool story, and it starts with, "This one time, at scout camp..."

Seriously...how could an argument about politics be more amusing than THIS story?

Thanks for reading, and feel free to check out any more BB+B posts!  Share, like BB+B on facebook, and let me know in the comments if you have any great stories from YOUR younger years, I'd love to hear them.
-Brian, the Author Guy

World Religion As Explained By Bros

In college I learned what it really means to be a ‘bro’. It turns out that being a bro is more than merely knowing that ‘dude’ is an acceptable term for any person, at any time.  Being a bro involves taking the bro-outlook on everything, even important topics like Religion. My foray into bro-hood let me hear important discussions from bros. What I learned was bro-religion, or as I call it, Broligion.

While most of the time bro-speak is incoherent and mostly gibberish, a nonsensical mire of ‘dude’ and ‘totally’ and ‘rad’ that loses all meaning, occasionally bro-speak is profound. Today I'd like to share what I've learned from broligion with my 3 favorite bro-discussions about the world's religions.

1)      Bro-jesus.

Jesus, I have learned, was a “total bro”.  He was “God’s favorite dude”.  He was “Rocking out in Heaven and then decided to come chill and party” on Earth.
Many people still talk and worship Bro-Jesus today, and that’s “Good stuff, man”. But I think all of Bro-Jesus can be summarized in my favorite re-imagined Bro-bible verse, from the book of “My Bro Johnny” 2:6-11.

“And on that day, Jesus told unto the pledges, ‘fill the keg with water’, and the pledges were like, ‘k’, and filled the kegs to the brim with water.  Then jesus was all, ‘Give a cup to the pledgemaster’ and the pledges were nervous, but were still like, ‘k’, for they had faith in Him.  When the pledgemaster chugged his cup, not realizing jesus had given him a cup from the fake-keg, he called Jesus over and was like, ‘Everybody always gives the cheapy-beer by this late in the party, but you brought out wine and shit!  You are super cool and stuff!’  Jesus did this because he wanted to show everyone how cool he was, because no one wants to be at a party where the keg runs dry. Oh, and then the pledges knew he was God, or something, because he wanted to let people know God liked parties too.”

Bro-Jesus never lets the party-times end!

2)      Broddha (Bro-buddha, not to be confused with bro-yoda)

The stories of the Buddha are many and varied, and they are far less well known than the stories of Jesus at most American universities. Perhaps that’s what led to this strange retelling of what Buddha represents and what Nirvana means. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I’m nearly positive the bro discussion of Buddhism is not informed by the writings of Bhagavad Gita, or frankly any real historical text at all.

“So Buddha was like, this normal Indian dude, but not the bows and arrows kind. He was a prince or king or something, and he was all about chilling.  That was his thing.  People would ask him questions, and Buddha was all, ‘Nope, don’t care’.  Buddha was all, ‘I don’t believe in feeling bad, because feeling bad is just in your head’ and everyone was shocked, because they all totally did feel bad, and they wanted to know why he didn’t.  Also some people maybe tried to kill him.  I think. In any case, when everyone asked what he was talking about he just said ‘nirvana’ or something, but I think he was talking about not caring, instead of a band.  And then everyone knew he was the best at not caring, so they made a religion out of it, and now every Buddhist can ignore pain and do martial arts and stuff.”

Buddha said all of life is suffering.  Bro-ddha says all of life is partying.

3)      Adam and Eve: Bro Edition

Adam and Eve is a story that is very well known.  It tells the tale of the fall of man, believed in many religions as fact, or at least as a parable about the nature of evil and humanity.  Bros generally avoid considering the nature of the world, since that’s complicated, and most bros are not.  But when asked, the story of Adam and Eve from a bro can tell a lot:  It can explain why “Women aren’t bad people, they just make men act like dumbasses,” and it can explain “why life is hard and crap, because of the apples and oranges of God.”

“So, basically God made the Earth, but it sucked without bros to worship him.  So he made Adam and Eve, because he wanted to make sure people could exist, and also have sex. Then somehow a snake shows up and is all, ‘God said eating fruit was OK, right Eve?’ and Eve says, ‘Yeah, sure, but not that one special tree, cuz you’ll die,’ but the snake says, ‘No, you won’t die, you get to become a God yourself maybe, and I'm totally not lying.’ So Eve eats the apple and gives some to Adam to be nice, and because women love to cook or something. Then Adam and Eve were smart and realized ‘oh shit, we’re naked!’ They put leaves over their junk so they didn't have to just stare at their whatnots all the time.

But God was like ‘What the F***?  ADAM, GET OVER HERE’ and Adam was like ‘I can’t come out, I’m naked’ and God says, 'WHO TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED?' Then Adam snitched on Eve and Eve told God it was the talking snake’s fault.  God gets peeved and takes away the snake’s legs because I guess snakes used to have legs in the bible and makes women have babies now, and then God aid bros and hoes are gonna suffer forever now.  Then God kicked everyone out and told Adam he shouldn’t have listened to Eve.  Also, that proved that women make men act stupid, but the stupid stuff they do is somehow not their fault? I don't know, the bible's mega-confusing.”

The real lesson is that Adam was a snitch, and the only snake Eve should have trusted was Adam's.

And there ends our lesson.

I hope you enjoyed this brief lesson on Religion, brought to you by BB+B and frat-boys everywhere!
Thanks for reading and feel free to share this site with your friends, or check out my other stories and posts on the blog!

-Brian, the Author Guy

A quick site update post

Hello all!
I know many people have been wondering where I've been...I haven't posted a real update on my blog in almost 2 weeks, and I've only posted anything amusing on Facebook about a week ago. 
In any case, I'm not gone, just busy.  I've been working on a few side projects unrelated to BB+B and those are taking a fair amount of time.  What I HAVE been doing for BB+B though is looking into a few new ideas to help improve the fun and readability of the blog. 

In the upcoming weeks, I expect to be doing a lot to change the site.  First, I'm changing the visuals, which I hope everyone enjoys.  More importantly, though, I'm adding new content!  I'm trying to get back to making a few videos for Youtube that I can share here on BB+B.  I'm looking to help out with a friend's website, and link some of you all there so you can enjoy a movie review site specifically dedicated to finding the best possible movies around. And finally, I'm working on my actual graduate school work, because it turns out that being a science graduate student isn't just time consuming, but ALL consuming when you're collecting data in Alaskan winter.

I hope you can stay patient, and I promise I'll be back soon!
Thanks for reading,
Brian