There's No Word for "Crush" in Man-Speak

As an adult male, having a crush on someone is a very confusing experience. It forces you to confront gender roles and stereotypes that are, honestly, confusing and at times hard to live up to. After all, adult men generally don't describe their emotions as 'giddy' and 'nervous but excited'.  That calls to mind the image of a six foot tall mountain man jumping up and down while giggling, a less-than-manly image. When discussing our feelings, guys are supposed to (according to stereotypes) use language like "I'm fine" and "Doing OK" and if especially emotional, "Eh, Getting Along." We are supposed to use language that describes our emotions as minor, easily ignored, and unimportant.

When you have a crush, though, your feelings and language to describe those feelings don't line up. Right now, I'm relatively confident that a 'crush' is the emotional feeling currently confusing my brain (and I realize it's not particularly rugged to admit this).  But I don't have the language available to me to describe that feeling.  So, despite how not-manly it sounds, I'm stuck describing my feelings as "somewhat giddy", and "excited", "nervous but happy", all of which are distinctly non-man-speak phrases. 

See?  Even good emotions are mostly subdued!

As a result of our masculine language limitations, having a crush can be a strange, almost alien experience for guys who have tried hard to be the stereotypical gruff archetype of masculinity. I mean, is there a masculine way to describe "butterflies" in your stomach?  Could we instead call them undead caterpillars, perhaps?  They ARE caterpillars after metamorphosis, but I don't think undead is the right word...and let's be honest, caterpillars, even those that are undead, wouldn't be terribly imposing, so 'zombie caterpillars in my stomach' is not going to work. As you can probably begin to tell, it's hard to describe a crush using man-speak because many phrases that come to mind (butterflies in stomach, anything to do with your heart, the entire concept of love or affection, etc) are profoundly distant from normal man-speak, dude-talk, or guy-language.

And if you're wondering, yes that means hugging is off-limits.

Since this is a blog, a writing format primarily dominated by embarrassing teenage confessions and overly dramatic prose about cats, I feel that my embarrassing feelings pale in comparison to what's generally written in blogs.  That means I'm at least somewhat less defensive than if I had to explain myself to someone face-to-face, or over the phone, even if this blog post is filled with embarrassing, possibly childish or effeminate phrases. Because this is a blog I'm willing to say terribly embarrassing things, like "Seeing my crush brightened my whole morning" and "I want to watch a romantic comedy right now, and I don't really know why."  I'm even willing to admit that when I see my crush, there is a distinct 'skip in my step', and a 'smile on my face' that seemingly cannot be removed (smiling is notoriously effeminate, according to most of my tough-guy companions).

Also, being giddy makes me dance like this.
(Hashtag EmbarrassingConfessions, anyone?)

But if I were, for the sake of science (the primary motivation for all my actions), to describe my feelings in a more traditionally masculine way, I would have to find very different language, and I would have to explain my feelings in a confusing, and odd new way. I'd have to find the masculine equivalent for words like 'cute' and 'sweet'. 

The problem is...those words don't exist in man-speak. For example, I might say, "She seems pretty cool, and most of the stuff she does is...pretty cool."  Guys don't have the words to describe what they're feeling, so we use random buzz words and phrases like 'pretty cool' and 'nice'. Words like 'cute' and 'adorable' aren't supposed to intrude on our emotional pallet, and so we rarely if ever know what to say. Instead we use words like 'hot' and 'awesome' and if we're really enamored, 'fun'. But even we, the most delusional and overly-masculine men, recognize that we're probably using the wrong words. 

"Hot" is not the same as "cute".   "Sexy" and "beautiful" aren't the same thing, and guys understand that, even if our language never admits it. And frankly, our catch-all word to describe a girl as "fun" is a poor excuse for the more accurate but uncomfortably honest descriptions like "sweet" or "empathetic" or "caring."  Even if we move past that, and get to the relationship stage, we're still stuck.  Instead of saying "sweetheart" we're left with words like "baby" and "my girl", which can accidentally end up sounding patronizing or possessive.

So today, I come before the collective internet to admit my embarrassing thoughts.  I choose to admit my not-super-masculine feelings.  I lay down all semblance of over-the-top manliness, and am forced to plead guilty of having....EMOTIONS. 

I've got a bit of crush.  It's minor, nothing serious, and it's not even emotional enough to really disrupt my normal day. However, the limitations of guy speak make describing even these rather minor feelings in a manly way impossible. I'm forced to use language that is less tough, less gruff, but also far more accurate. I feel...butterflies in my stomach.  I feel nervous, but excited.  I have a smile on my face, I think she's cute, and funny, and all around adorable.  And though it might not be too manly to admit these things, I believe that sometimes the joy of "feeling butterflies" is worth the risk of appearing less manly.

Now that I've managed to throw away possibly years of building up a reputation as a tough guy, I'm off to find a moose, wrestle it to the ground with my bare hands despite its thousand pound weight advantage, kill it in some incredibly over the top and unnecessarily explosive way (the "Michael Bay" method, usually involving exploding objects that don't normally explode), make jerky and steak from its meat (Jerky and Steak are more masculine than other cuts of mean, FYI), all the while concentrating very hard on growing my beard and chest hair and meditating on the concept of manhood.  You know, to win back my man-points.  And because moose-wrestling sounds like the world's greatest redneck sport idea ever.

Thanks for reading, and I hope this brightened your day. Check back often to BB+B for more updates, funny stories, and embarrassing personal confessions that make me feel like a whiny child! I always love to get new readers, and I think this summer of 2013 is going to be a great time for BB+B. I hope you all stick around, and check back often.

Thanks as always for your time,
-Brian.