The Worst Pre-Med Student in History.

I've been a teaching assistant at the University of Alaska Fairbanks for the last 2 years now.  As of yesterday, I finished my fourth consecutive semester teaching one of the introductory biology courses here, and in that time I've dealt with a lot of very strange students.

I've had students that stopped showing up to class because 'I really like napping mid-afternoon'.  I've had students cheat by turning in papers from Wikipedia, and forget to even remove the links to the webpage.  I've had students who thought that pokemon was an accurate depiction of evolution, and were astonished to discover that evolution has nothing to do with 'gaining levels'.  And yet, a student that I taught my very first semester still takes the cake, even 2 full years later.  Now, I'm not allowed to give names, or be too specific about this student for legal reasons. I'm obviously not out to make anyone feel bad, but their various misdeeds and silly behaviors over the course of the semester are too good to completely not share.So, I present to you, the tale of the Worst Pre-Med Student in History:  Gloomy Gus.

The Tale of Gloomy Gus

In teaching introductory biology, you generally expect that you're going to get a few students who want to be doctors but who are probably not suited to pursue that field:  Perhaps they don't have the background education, or perhaps they don't have an appropriate set of study skills, but whatever the reason might be, there are always going to be some students who you can just tell shouldn't be pursuing a career in medicine, even though they declare they are 'pre-med' the first day of college. Gloomy Gus was the most extreme case of a 'bad idea pre-med' student that I've ever seen.

For me, it's difficult to understand where I should begin discussing why Gus should avoid the medical profession.  There are just too many reasons to fully list

• He's a creationist trying to study biology, which I think is a pretty good hint about how well thought out his medical school plans seem to be. I recognize that many successful scientists do cling to their belief in creationism, despite the overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, and some of them are fine with this contradiction.  But generally not believing a core tenant of your scientific discipline out of pure stubbornness isn't a good quality.
• Gus is also generally unfriendly to a degree that I imagine would be bad as a doctor.  He's the sort of person who would give a cancer diagnosis via text-message. When someone is too unfriendly to work with a lab partner for 3 hours a week, how is he supposed to work with a whole hospital staff and sick patients, full time?
• Gus regularly states questions in class with the phrase, "That sounds like bullshit to me, but..."  He doesn't lead with "I don't understand", or "That sounds confusing."  He calls it bullshit, because if he doesn't immediately understand something, it's clearly somehow a lie.
• Gus hates people.  Not just his teachers, not just the TAs, but ALL people. He had to be asked to leave lab once during the semester because he was so abrasive that his lab-mates were near tears. When asked why he'd been cruel with his lab-mates, Gus responded "I am not a people person.  I just really like to be mean. If they can't deal, not my problem." Not a good doctor mindset.
• He seemingly believes every conspiracy theory that has ever been, no matter how idiotic.Within a month of the class starting he explained that antibiotic resistant bacteria are probably a secret government ploy to hike up the cost of antibiotics.  He thinks global warming is a direct result of the 'sun getting bigger'.  I kid you not, this kid seems to buy any conspiracy theory there is, as long as it's hard to follow and poorly explained. 
• And finally, the biggest reason he shouldn't be a doctor, or hold any job in the medical profession:  He a mysophobe, or as most people call it, a germaphobe.  In lab we grew bacterial and fungal culture plates to see what microorganisms were present around the building, and when we saw how many plates grew bacterial colonies, Gloomy Gus spent fifteen minutes ranting to his lab partners about how he was so disgusted he wanted to puke.  Whenever someone sneezes near him in class, he washes his hands, even if they didn't sneeze towards him, and covered their faces.  It's like a future lion tamer being scared of cats. 

So what would cause someone who hates people, biology, science, and the pursuit of knowledge to want to be a doctor?  The television character House.  Sure, House was extremely hard working to get where he was, was plagued by physical pain and a lifetime of mental anguish, and earned his right to be a jackass by being an extremely successful genius.  Gus has somehow decided that even non-genius, lazy and obstinate conspiracy nuts deserve the chance to act like House, though, as long as they're doctors. And thus, he wants to be a doctor.

Fast forward to now, two years later, when I saw Gus on campus for the first time in several months.  In an attempt to be nice, I gave a polite head nod.  Gus took this as an invitation to share an endless rant with me, so he trotted over, and was quickly regaling me with stories of how miserable all of his classes have been this past semester.  He told me about how his English professor was clearly trying to be like Robin Williams in the amazing film "Dead Poets Society", which is apparently a bad thing (I disagree whole-heartedly, and wish I had more teachers with that sort of energy and drive). Gus shared the reason he was now recently single, ("She was crazy and needy and demanded I do crap like take her to dinner and go out to parties.  Total bullshit.") and he endlessly ranted about his family ("Mom's always on my case lately, just because I failed a few classes.  Like grades even matter, right?") and his friends ("I've stopped hanging out with the guys you remember me hanging out with.  They were total posers, and like, didn't get it.  You know, they just didn't, like, GET it."). In general, he spent a long walk ranting at me about how every possible aspect of his life, and how every person in his life, was terrible.  And somehow, for some reason, he decided that I must not be terrible, because he wanted to share this information with me.  After a few minutes of terribly depressing ranting, I tried to take my leave of him and walked into the nearest building, even though it wasn't my actual destination.

Gus followed me in.

And that's when the worst news of all hit me:  He had retaken the biology courses over summer school and had managed to pass, somehow, thereby solidifying his belief that he was destined to become a doctor.  Though he had a terrible GPA, had failed almost a third of all the classes he'd taken, and despite his seeming inability to learn anything from anyone, Gus had still managed to hold onto his dream of being a doctor.  As I wandered around a building I didn't know, in hopes of finding a way to escape this yeast-infection equivalent of a human being, I was told in great detail about all of the cool classes he wanted to take to become a doctor.

Just as I began to lose hope,was considering coming clean, and admitting I had walked into this building to try to escape his presence, something wonderful happened.  For the first time since I'd known him, Gus seemed to genuinely ask for my opinion.  He said, "So, you taught me and weren't totally horrible," (which from Gus is quite the compliment), "and you probably know a lot about science and stuff by now...what sort of courses would you recommend?  Like, what stuff do you think I'd want to take classes to study?"

This opportunity was a rare one, so I made sure I didn't respond too quickly.  The wrong word here might make Gus doubt me, and if I ever wanted to have a chance of affecting his life outlook, I would have to strike now.  I said, "Honestly, you don't seem like the doctor type.  You hate people, you hate science, and you don't like to work hard.  What is another ten years of college and medical school going to do for you? What would you want to learn?  I'd recommend you try something new, and maybe take a few courses in diverse classes that might show you something you're more interested in."

I waited in silence for him to respond, and was surprised when he actually seemed to consider what I'd said.  But, as is likely to happen when talking with a profound and detestable piece of human excrement, he said something that proved to me he wasn't actually interested in what I had to say. "Well, sure, but I mean, I'm going to be a doctor, even if I probably will just hate the job.  Being a doctor means you get respect, and money. That's the only reason to get a job. So, yeah, I definitely still want to be a doctor. I thought you'd get that..."  Then he patted me on the back and walked back through the maze of hallways I'd led us to.

Standing alone in the hallway, I thought for a moment about Gus.  Since that day now around a week ago, he's popped into my head several times, and it's made me sad whenever I think about it. I mean, Gloomy Gus is a terrible person, and if he ever DID hypothetically become a doctor, he would personally ruin the American healthcare system even beyond its current terrible state.  But today, as I looked at the entrance requirements of various medical schools online, one bright and wonderful thought occurred to me: 
Do I really think someone with that terrible an attitude, behavior, and beliefs system will ever actually manage to get into, much less graduate from medical school? Probably not.  After all, as so eloquently put it a thousand times before, "That sounds to me like Bullshit."

Thanks for reading, and I hope you have an awesome day.  I also hope you never have the misfortune of meeting someone like Gus in your daily lives.  So, thanks for reading BB+B, and check back frequently for more updates!  As summer starts, the updates are likely to come more frequently!
Thanks,
-Brian, the Author Guy