Single Greatest Insult in History

A few days ago I saw a fight break out between a strange couple in the grocery store. Their exchange, though brief, was so amazingly insulting and harsh that I felt it deserved to be immortalized on the internet.  So, I present to you today:

THE GREATEST COUPLE-FIGHT IN HISTORY

The story begins as I walked through the aisles trying desperately to decide if I was actually interested in eating more Ramen for the third week in a row.  I was grocery shopping, and my head was not focused on my surroundings, which is why I managed to walk up on a fighting couple without actually realizing what was going on. When I finally noticed the fight occurring, I was standing only a few feet away, and because the people who were fighting were both EXTREMELY attractive, and EXTREMELY mean to each other, I allowed myself a moment to sit and enjoy their argument, as an unwanted observer.

When I say that they were very attractive, I mean to say that this couple was VERY attractive.  They were not just cute, they weren't 'nice together', or anything simple and cliche like that. These two individuals were human paragons of beauty.  The guy looked just over six feet tall, his chin looked like it had been carved perfectly by a master sculptor and fashioned out of diamond, and his face was a strange combination of Ryan Gosling and Bruce Willis, making him look both extremely handsome and rugged all at once.  I'm straight as an arrow and yet I noticed this guy pretty much immediately: His shoulders were wide and strong, his neck was thick and muscular, and even in ratty old jeans I couldn't help but notice that his entire body rippling with obvious muscles.

The girl was perhaps even more attractive:  Her strawberry blonde hair draped elegantly in waves around her neck and down her back. She wore it somehow both down and up, with a sort of half-bun thing that made her look like a stereotypical "sexy librarian". She wore clothing that conveyed a sense of both comfort and style, a well fitted button up shirt and a medium length skirt that somehow felt right, even with the freezing weather outside. And if I can be blunt:  She had curves in all the right places.  Her eyes were crisp, wide, and somehow remarkably noticeable underneath her long dirty-blond tresses, and when you paired her beauty with her boyfriend's looks, I immediately felt like I was on television, because there's no other explanation for how two such beautiful people could coexist in the same space.

I think I've probably spent so long describing them that you have a good idea about both what they looked like, but also how incredibly strange it was to see such attractive people sitting around grocery shopping in Fairbanks Alaska, where it's not uncommon to see men whose facial hair (long and unkempt) makes them look like they're homeless, and where women are so bundled against the cold most of the year that you can't tell what they actually look like outside of a fur-lined parka.

But this couple's beauty was especially noticeable because they were fighting with each other: They looked so pleasant, but kept saying terrible things.  At one point, he referred to her as a word that rhymes with punt, and she made reference to his lack of testicles so many times, I was beginning to wonder if she was being sarcastic or actually referring to his real possible lack of testicles.

I still don't know what the argument was about. There were far too few contextual clues to follow, but I know that after several minutes of quick-tongued bickering, the guy leaned closer to her, bringing himself the several inches down so that his and her eyes were perfectly level and locked.  Then he said, "You are acting like the bitchiest combination of your and my mothers combined. You're basically my mom, right now.  Except worse. Because you're also your mom, and she's terrible. She is just terrible. And you're worse than that. I hope you know that."

The insult landed, and for a moment I thought I'd heard the single greatest insult in history.  I mean, it was genius:  He insulted her, his family, and brought his own mom into the fight as ammunition. It was brutal. For a half moment, I was transfixed with the scene, where this guy had, somehow, crafted an insult so painfully biting that the girl couldn't even respond. She sort of mumbled a few words in response, and then looked around awkwardly, trying to see who was watching her.  She must've then thought of her genius comeback, because right in front of me, she let loose an attack even more profoundly insulting.

She planted her feet in a wide stance, placed both her hands on her wide, attractive hips, cocked her head slightly to the side, and with a look of barely withheld fury unleashed, "My mom?  Better to act like my mom than act like George Bush and Carrot Top's bastard love child, you shrivel-dicked excuse for a man. Now, apologize, before I have to permanently remove your balls and keep them stashed in my purse, you flaccid one-pump-chump of a college dropout."

There was silence.  Every inch of me was quivering because I knew that this was the opportunity of a lifetime, where I could yell, "OH SNAP" and be taken seriously.  But, sadly, I was too stunned to comment, and like her boyfriend who she'd just insulted, I was left wordless and confused for several seconds.  See, the guy had thrown out a cliche but a very unique spin on a cliche: Insulting his significant other by comparing her to her mother, or his own, is common.  Comparing her to BOTH of them, and saying she's worse?  That's a whole new level of insult.  But then, she responded with the harshest, most brutal insult I have ever heard or even imagined in my rudest thoughts. She attacked his masculinity, she brought in politics, she went politically incorrect, and managed to end by insulting his manhood yet again, in a new way.

The guy finally spoke. "Fine," he conceded, "you win.  I'm sorry. Also, I just have to say...that was, without a doubt the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me."

She turned to face him, and placed her arm through his, and playfully admitted, "I'm kind of surprised myself.  Didn't know I had it in me."  Then the couple, arms linked, walked away, the fight magically ended by their traded attacks. I was left alone in the grocery aisle, wondering how I would ever be able to trade insults again, knowing that there was such magically terrible insults out there that I would never be able to compete with.  And after a few moments to digest these thoughts, I left. And that, my dear readers, is the single harshest set of insults I have ever heard

Thanks for reading BB+B! I hope you enjoyed, and check back regularly for more updates!
Thanks again,
-Brian, the Author Guy.

I sat there for a moment, watching this poor man reel at the insult he'd just been given.