Why Men Suck at Dating, a Theory About Friendship

Since I can remember, I've been harangued by women about my inability to be a boyfriend after we've dated for several months.  Every argument eventually begins with the whine, "You used to be so..." and ends with, "I just wish you still..."  I have, apparently, "lost what we had" and my thoughts are "never open, never shared with men anymore."

I have tried to explain to many women that I'm not losing interest at all, but rather, I am finding myself comfortable, and am trying to avoid becoming uncomfortable.  This is where Men and Women differ, and this is where my theory comes into play.  My theory is quite simple:

Men and women learn to date through making best friends, and male best-friendship is so profoundly different than female best-friendship as to make men seem worse at eventually dating.

Let me explain:
Every relationship devolves over time.  When you first get a dog, you're not only going to walk it several times a damned day, but you're going to LOVE walking it every single time.  Every single time you put the leash on that young little pup, your smile can't be stopped, your amusement is endless.  When you puppy pees on the sidewalk, you're proud.  "HELL YEAH PUPPY, YOU OWN THIS STREET, DAMNED STRAIGHT." Probably, that's why dogs are man's best friend; because it's the first time it's socially acceptable for a guy to coo and squeal about someone else, except for their children (where again, squealing excitedly is permissible). When we men are given the early opportunity to show ecstatic emotion, and hug, and jump and be loving, we do so with gusto.  We enjoy it. It just happens that these occasions are rarely socially acceptable, and thus, equally rare emotional displays.

This happens in interpersonal relationships too, not just with dogs and babies.  You start making a close friend by divulging the deep information about yourself, you spend time together and build trust, and you're proud and happy whenever your friend or romantic partner is successful.  It might not be a badass li'l puppy peeing on a sidewalk, but you're ALMOST as excited.

Good job Fido, show that sidewalk who's boss.

The problem is, that's only the initial phase of dating, where you take a woman out to dinner and a movie, or a local fair, or a big exciting event where you can happily pay for her, smile with an award-winning smile, give her your arm to hold on to and feel like a suave sonofabitch because 'I am so damned gentlemanly people can barely contain themselves.' Dating gets more complex, and more intimate, and many men don't know what to do after the new-couple phase ends, because they've NEVER REALLY LEARNED. As I said, you learn how to date by making a best friend.




When you're young, no matter your gender, you need a best friend.  It's more than just a companion for a few minutes, it's someone who will wade through the squalls of adolescence at your side, your shield bearer, squire, and most importantly, heroic side-kick. 

 

But different genders (usually) learn quite differently.

For both genders, the first part of the best-friend relationship begins the same.

First for everyone is the stage where you must impress the new friend.  You invite them to parties, you go to movies, you plead with your parents to let your new best-bud tag along to a large event, like an amusement park or a favorite movie.  Just like in dating, stage 1 is the same for men and women.  You impress your partner, in hopes that you can gain access to the strange territory of best-friendship, which once attained, is idyllic.

Men in particular excel at these early stages of relationships, because we're taught from age 2 that masculinity and distance are somewhat linked, so every new close relationship is almost some sort of guilty pleasure.  Having a best friend is such a novel concept when men are ALSO taught that talking, spending time together, and caring about someone else in a meaningful way aren't 'normal' or 'tough-guy' behaviors. So, on those first dates, he probably tells you about himself, and might even let you in on some of who he is, behind the (hopefully literal, but possibly metaphorical) masculine beard.

 

 Because a beard is your shield against emotions, but can also make you look awesome.

After that early stage of friendship, men and women separate.

After they've become good friends, women become close by sharing themselves, their thoughts, their fears.  They actively confide in one another, and spend more and more time together, while simultaneously ensuring that their new best-friend isn't swamped or overwhelmed.  They find more niche events to share with their pals, where they have similar interests.  Often they'll even try to find new things to share (much like the many girlfriends who offer to play whatever video game their adolescent boyfriend favors, or offer to watch a favorite movie of his, despite it being wildly outside of their normal favorite genre). Women move forward in their friendship with these new mutual interests, and respect for each other's space. This is that confusing middle-ground in any relationship, where you're not wholly certain if you're best friends, or emotionally attached.  Women choose to BECOME more attached, and they make that clear, while men aren't sure what to do.

Finally in the intimate end-goal stage, where love and affection in dating or best-friendship in friendmaking coexist, women learn to communicate. They ask about each others' day, or their current activities, or they do something to show that they both listen and care.  Women develop their strongest friendships by being actively involved in each others' lives, and constantly reasserting their affection through gestures and shared interests. 


Male best-friendship is wildly different, and women:  It's a secret, so I might be killed for admitting this, but men take their best-friends incredibly serious, and DO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE WOMEN...except with specific minor variations.

Men make best friends by neglect.  Once you're close and are buddies, there's no point in big events anymore. Men don't become best friends to go to a party or fair, we become best friends to sit in a dark basement in silence while playing some repetitive violent video games.  Hell, Goldeneye for Nintendo 64 helped me make more friends than anything I ever actually DID as a child, because it allowed me to invite someone over to shoot at each other in tense silence.  It was GREAT.

THIS IS HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE MADE

Men, in that middle zone, become comfortable, and talk about their feelings by avoiding any eye-contact, focusing intently on another task, and giving nonspecific explanations of their feelings.  We don't tell each other about how hurt we feel because of something, we play a game or a sport or build something so that it's permissible to be too focused to give details.  We tell our best friends that "Yeah, me and the lady-friend are on the rocks, it's really awkward, haha, and I'm pretty sure she's going to break up with me.  But, you know, what do you do?  Yeah, hand me the nail-gun, I need to finish this siding, it looks like rain tonight. And, umm...thanks for listening.  Seriously, nail-gun."


THAT IS THE MOST INTIMATE CONVERSATION MEN EVER WANT TO HAVE.  Not because we fear intimacy, or don't like talking, but because we can say ANYTHING WE WANT and not be judged or feel judged, because we're more focused on doing something else.

That's also how it is for many men trying to be open and honest in romantic relationships!

When a couple becomes close, and starts sharing thoughts and feelings, men are happy to do so...just as long as their lady-friends realize that their thoughts and feelings are going to be vague and shared in a flat tone over a shared activity. 

Best friendship for guys is about eventually, someday, getting to the point where you can call a buddy over and NOT talk about your problems.  A best friend comes over to help you STOP thinking and talking about your life, not to encourage it. 

For example, when a guy gets dumped or has a rough breakup, a guy-best-friend comes over with beer and crappy 80's movies with overzealous male protagonists fighting Nazis or Communists.  He makes sure the emotionally insecure best-buddy doesn't have to share until ready, and when he DOES talk, the best-friend doesn't ask questions, he sits in silence until he says something like, "Yeah man, that sounds rough, but I think the best thing to do now is (Insert extremely general but surprisingly helpful advice here!)"  Then, he gives his pal the half-hug with one arm , and an obligatory slap on the back to reinforce an emotional connection, and goes back to drinking, like God intended when he taught Moses how to brew beer and play football.

In a romantic relationship, when men feel close to a woman, and try to learn to be open and clear, often they're rebuffed by women telling them, "I want to know what you're FEELING, what you're THINKING.  I want it to be like when we first fell in love, when you told me how you felt, and you took me to cool places, and always tried to show me a smile and kiss goodnight. Why can't you just tell me what you really feel?  I want to know WHY you feel it, HOW you feel it, WHAT you feel.  Everything."

THIS IS WHAT YOUR PRYING QUESTIONS FEEL LIKE:  FIERY, DANGEROUS, ALL-SEEING AND CREEPILY PHALLIC

The problem is, the guy probably thought he WAS being open enough about his feelings.  He told you "Goodnight babe", because that's man-speak for "I think about you every night and wish you were here in my arms."  He's not saying that because he wants to leave and ignore you, but because intimacy for men means that you don't HAVE to talk, that you can just accept each others' presence and spend time in shared activities.  It's probably why men (whether we admit it or not) consider sex so important, because it's a way to express feelings and share time and feel good together without feeling like we have to BARE OUR SOULS TO THE SCRUTINY OF LADY-EYES, which seem exceptionally, and perhaps INHUMANLY SKILLED at picking apart male insecurities. 

I guess what I'm really saying is that maybe men aren't BAD at dating.  Men, just don't learn the same way women do.  For a lot of guys, there is nothing more intimate than sharing silence, or giving each other the chance to talk when you WANT, not simply talking for the sake of talking. 

Women are wonderful at dating, because the intimacy and friendship they learn as children is a mirror for how adult relationships work, with shared feelings, and communication, and finding new things to enjoy together.

But maybe, JUST MAYBE, instead of thinking men 'suck' at dating, try to see it from his perspective and maybe you BOTH can adapt.

He might not be closed off in his silence, it might just be that he cares enough to LISTEN, instead of speak. And maybe, just maybe, if you give him time, and watch a bad movie, he'll tell you what he's thinking, even if he won't make eye-contact while doing so.




Thanks for reading, I really love that people get a chance to see this page, or leave their own thoughts in the comments.

If you're interested in more of my thoughts on romance and dating, check out "Jerks Finish Last" and "The Single Worst First Date in History".