The Single Worst First Date in the History of Bad First Dates

The story below is the single WORST first date I've ever had.  It's not the worst DATE I've ever had, but the worst first. And more importantly, as ridiculous and over the top as it seems, realize that I'm taking the best(worst) quotes, out of context, from a conversation that she ranted through for almost a full hour.  Let's begin:

I have a question that may come across as sarcastic, but I mean it sincerely. Has there EVER been a successful first date where one person brought up their ex?  And, do people that do repeatedly bring up their exes ever actually HAVE redeeming qualities?

I can imagine many HYPOTHETICAL situations where she says, “I sure love sex, but my ex-boyfriend’s tiny schling-schlong prevented me from ever enjoying it, even though I don’t have unnecessarily high expectations.”  Sure, in that case, maybe date 1 would end awesomely.  But it never DOES go that way:

We get, “My ex was pretty terrible, that’s why I started hacking into his facebook to see what SLUTS he was trying to hook up with,” or, “I wish my ex hadn’t been so controlling about my heroine problem.  That’s not a problem for you, right?”

I bring this up because I just had a horrific first date, and it occurred to me during her third of seven monologues where she discussed her most recent boyfriend that every time I’ve gone on a first date and either mentioned, or had mentioned to me ‘ex-something’ problems, the date ended horribly.

Not, of course, that this date was going to work out anyhow, but I still got frustrated with this realization. 

Imagine you’re me, for a moment.  You’re now 6’1”-6’2”, blond/brown haired, green eyed, and a graduate student of Biology in Fairbanks.  For the vast majority of you, I know this might take a moment to get used to.  Relax, I’ve got time. 

But keep going.  Imagine that you go on a date with someone one year younger than you, though still an undergraduate.  Sure, she’s 21, you’re 22, but that TINY age difference shouldn’t matter.  (Except that it does)  Or maybe it’s not age, but maturity?  I can’t really call myself mature, since I still find fart jokes the PINNACLE of comedy gold, and it’s probably rather unwise to every give oneself such a judgment, but at the least I can say I’m further along in my adult development than my date. 

She didn't find farts funny.  But she liked Jersey Shore, so I'm still more mature.

Allie, let’s call her, is an English major, so I sort of assumed to start the date that I’d have something to talk about, having double majored in English and Biology in undergrad.

I asked her what classes she liked, and was told, “Well, probably my Biology class.  It’s super fun.”

Now, since you’re imagining being me, let your spirits rise.  Hopeful.  Excited.  Maybe you have something more to talk about than ancient poetry and convoluted metaphors.   Take a deep breath, because you’re about to sigh adoringly.

“Well, either Biology or my class on old-English writers.  I’m a HUGE fan of the classics.  If a guy knows his Shakespeare, he’s in.”  She flashes a winning smile.  Exhale in a dreamy sigh.  This is AWESOME. 

Allie continued, “My ex, Marcus, he was a huge Shakespeare nerd.  He loved to tell me about his favorite sonnets and how I reminded him of the strong women in Shakespeare’s comedies.” 

HOLD ON, DON’T GIVE UP YET!  She’s just trying to give you a talking point perhaps.  Maybe she recently broke up.  Maybe, JUST MAYBE, this will be the only time Marcus walks into the conversation.

Now, I’m going to pause here and interrupt the story for another observation: If talking about exes is bad, what could be even worse?  Perhaps…constantly comparing people to your ex?  That might be a bad idea.  Maybe rudeness, or blatant vapidity is worse.  If you’re on a first date, you’re putting your BEST foot forward.  I’m not saying lie, but if you’re a loud chewer, notice that and fix it.  Perhaps avoid making comments about your bad gas.

OR MAYBE DON’T BRING UP YOUR STEREOTYPING OF OTHER RELIGIONS.  Just…don’t start a first date with the worst foot forward, because not many guys are going to come back to a girl who says things, as Allie then did, like,
“That jew-waiter, he looks a bit like Marcus.  Except the big nose.  I’ve never understood why Jews all have big noses.  It’s disgusting.”

At this point, I was about 5 minutes into a date and ready to leave, but I knew that wasn’t the polite thing to do, so I stuck it out.  I tried multiple topics of conversation.

Hobbies?  “I’m sort of a twilight slut?  I just read all the twilight books, fan fiction, anything I can get my hands on.”

Favorite television shows?  “I love Jersey shore.  Those Italian bastards are fucking HOT.”

Movies?  “DUH!  TWILIGHT!”

Siblings?  “I’ve got a retard step brother, but he’s not a blood relation, so he doesn’t count…like…I’m not part retard.  Don’t think that.”

ANYTHING AT ALL TO BRING UP THAT COULD BE NICE TO TALK ABOUT…Right, I remembered that she was ALMOST normal when talking about Shakespeare and English, so I went back there.  “So what’s your favorite Shakespearian play?”

And mercifully, it seemed she was ready to be less of a complete bitch.  “Oh, I love Othello.  It’s my favorite, at least of the tragedies.”  It was perfect!  That was also MY favorite tragedy.  Maybe I could talk her through the play for 20 minutes and still leave with my sanity intact!

But no:  any date that brings up their ex, is rude and apparently anti-Semitic, constantly politically incorrect and has few if any redeeming qualities other than an UNBELIEVABLY large bust is unlikely to stay in the positive for long.  “I mean, Marcus always felt like Iago to me.”

For those NOT obsessed with old writings, Iago’s the evil guy who dupes the main protagonist, Othello.  Basically, she’s telling me her boyfriend she’s heaped praises on all night is the bad guy, in her mind.  She’s saying she watches Aladdin to root for Jafar. She watches the Karate Kid and wonders why Daniel-san has to be such a jerk to those poor Californian bullies.  She sees Star Wars:  Return of the Jedi and thinks that the Emperor has a lot of really admirable leadership qualities.

"I mean, doesn't he have a winning smile?  It's a shame Luke decided to become an insurgent, and ruined Palpatine's plans.  Galactic peace and order is a noble goal!" -What I imagined Allie would say

I waited for her to move on to a new thought, but she continued.  “Yeah, Iago has all this passion, he’s already married which I thought was kind of cool to see in a villain, you know, loyalty.”  I ignored the fact that Iago kills his wife, and nodded politely.  “Marcus always had this….dangerous streak to him.  I hated how he was mean, though.  Just like Iago.  He was always so rude to me.  But he’s not dumb, like Othello.” In my head, I lost the last tiny shred of hope I had to leave this date peacefully.  I knew that I would have to use every ounce of nice-guy in my body not to insult her after she basically stated she preferred lauding praises on wife-killing mass murderers than heroes, because the heroes are always too predictable. 

I must have let my revulsion briefly peek through, because she said, “Are you alright?  You look pale and sickly,”  I shook my head and was going to tell her I was fine when she said, “though it might just be how you look.  Sorry if I sounded rude.  You’re just REALLY pale. Not at all like Marcus, who almost looked like an Arab.”

I waved her comment off and actually resorted to just staring at my plate while she finished.  She didn’t ask me any questions back, and I spent the last 5-10 minutes of the date primarily in silence, except for the occasional 10-word phrases we bandied back and forth. When the check came, I picked it up and handed the waiter my card. She stared at me, and thanked me for paying, which seemed ironic from someone I’d assumed would insult the color of my credit card, and compare it to her ex’s. 

And with that, I took her home.  

I heard back from Allie about 3 weeks later, when she sent me a facebook message.  The message was nice, and thanked me for dinner, but ended with the following:

“I had a great time, even though you just ignored me at the end.  Sorry I bored you, but I’d love to go out again.  I always hate when guys don’t call back, it makes them seem so rude and self absorbed.  Hopefully, that’s not you!

Anxiously waiting for you to contact me again,
Allie”

I didn’t respond, because I didn’t think I could keep myself from rudeness any longer.  I'm willing to be the jerk who didn't call instead of being the jerk who attacked her integrity and mental stability.
To all the women and men of the world, let my failed date serve as a lesson.

First, if they bring up their ex, find a way to nip it in the bud. It will poison all future talk.
Second, if they come across as racist or bigoted, find a way to leave the date….they’re not going to have redeeming qualities.

Third, and perhaps most important of all:
If her favorite book is Twilight, her favorite television show is Jersey Shore, and she roots for the evil characters when she reads books or watches plays, you can probably assume that you’re not going to be going on a second date.