I Suck at Apologies

Though this post itself is ABOUT apologies, let me first apologies to the loyal 5 people who seem to read this blog regularly. 
I'm going to say something I hate to admit, so don't expect me to say it often. 
I've been caught up in pitying myself too much to post lately, and I apologize for being, as pathetic as it sounds, drama-filled and fear-dominated.
I just passed a kidney stone which took far longer than normal to pass, apparently.  I had some trouble at work, which took my time, mind, and energy.  And, of all the things that have been on my mind, my current position and future expectations have sort of crashed down in a heap of confusion, and as a graduate student, I was left with too little free thought to make a meaningful post. 

I tried!  Dozens of times.  I have some 20-30 posts that are all started, and somewhere in the middle of the process, but either too unfunny, depressing, long, or confusing to really be a part of a humor blog, so I stopped. 

And now that I've admitted my humanity, and apologized for my brief absence,
Let me state now and forever that I am extremely bad at apologies.

I SUCK AT APOLOGIES:  FACTS AND EXAMPLES

My lack of skill and frustrating inability to properly apologize probably started when I was a kid.  I liked the passive aggressive approach, because nothing says I'm sorry like making people know that you're not sorry, but refusing to admit it directly.  "I'm sorry you made me overreact" and "I apologize for getting frustrated when you were extremely rude."  You know, the sort of apology where the person being apologized to ends up wanting to keep whatever fight is going on in a permanent state of escalation until all hell breaks loose.

Otherwise known as "The sort of apologies we still all get from our least mature friends, and most hated acquaintances apology", or the "Unapologetic Politician Apology".

It's not shocking that I didn't improve much as a kid.  Sure, I improved somewhat.  I tossed in the passive aggression for general passivity, constantly saying 'sorry' and worrying that I was always wrong.  This lasted a few years, and to this day I'm still oddly apologetic and formal in most conversations.  I say, 'sorry', or 'my apologies' more often than any sane adult should, but at least I don't do it as passively as I used to.  In high school I once apologized for getting beat up, because somehow in my head, 'sorry' was the same as 'drop this topic of conversation.'

Otherwise known as the 'I have no conception of self worth, and most people see me as a pain in the ass to be around because I force everyone to be nice to me by constantly apologizing" apology, or the, "Female Protagonist in Coming of Age Films Apology".

But eventually I progressed.  And here is where my apologies become less tragic and more honest....because as an adult, or at least on my way to becoming one, I've learned much better how to apologize, and I'm not longer nearly as passive.  Instead, I've taken the more science-y route, and become somewhat more stoic, and extremely logical, which would, in theory, make apologizing better.
That's where I apologize without any preamble or optional exclusion of uncomfortable details.  Instead of saying, "sorry" to a girlfriend, you say, "I am so sorry that I laugh when you farted during sex.", thereby making the situation worse for her in terms of embarrassment, but don't have to deal with uncertainty about EXACTLY what you're apologizing for.



Otherwise known as the "Dear god, why is he rehashing this again, just shut up, say you're sorry, and let us pretend you didn't do something asinine apology", or the more common, "Uncle Without Boundary Issues, or Character With Possible Undiagnosed Autism In A Comedy Movie Apology".

I've even moved past that, to where I am now.  Now, I do something pretty unique.  I mix my overeager apologies with the lack of social grace, and then I find a way to COMPLETELY ACCIDENTALLY passively come across as a jerk.  It's a rare gift that I can't seem to shake, no matter how easy it seems like it would be to NOT accidentally say the wrong thing, or overstate.

I think, as I write this, that I'm going to need to explain.

In 2007, I had a shitstorm of trouble.   Family, health, romance, school, everything hit the fan.  I was a college freshman and apparently unable to handle even the most basic parts of my life, and I didn't like that.  I went into an 18 month dive where I seemingly didn't know how to handle myself, and only began to make real progress when I, as if through divine intervention, woke up one morning and started to just SAY the things I always wanted to say.  I started to be blunt. 

When someone would gently imply that they were against my beliefs, I would just stop them, and call them on it.  It must have been frustrating.  Imagine a fancy dinner with me (as, actually, there were many during this period of time.)

Stranger 1:  "I think that politics isn't really an appropriate talk for supper.  I mean, you're welcome to believe what you want about the system, but I'm not interested in hearing a bleeding heart speech attacking my religion."

Most people would stop talking, and let it go...I did not. 

Hypothetical Brian would respond, "Really?  Because, let's be honest here, you're already implying your position.  You're talking about religion, and bleeding hearts, and how you feel attacked, so you're likely a devout Christian republican who wants to bash gays, harass me for being an environmentalist, and you think anyone who disagrees is impractical or sinful, right?"

Now, I didn't think of these conversations as rude...because in my head, I didn't care anymore about subtext.  I had faced my own mortality, to a degree.  I had hit rock bottom.  And I had bounced back. So I wasn't going to waste time on hidden slights and foolhardy insults meant to stir my emotions. 

This is BAD.  It's bad to ignore the cultural norms.  It's bad to call people out when they try to hide something for themselves.  It's a terrible, rotten thing to do...and I do it all the time.  And it's SO MUCH WORSE when you take that very uncool behavior and apply it to constant apologies.  Because instead of being the jerk who just constantly calls people on their hidden passive aggressive BS, which is at least occasionally rewarding, YOU ACCIDENTALLY OFFEND PEOPLE AND HURT THEM WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY!

3 examples come to mind, and I think they are best set up without context at first.

"I'm sorry.  If I knew you were so concerned about your sexual performance, I definitely wouldn't have tried talking to you about the noise issues."
This ended with me getting punched in the crotch by a fraternity brother.

"Dude, instead of telling me all of this meaningless small talk, can I just say I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable?  It's pretty obvious you're gay, and I didn't realize that you were so upset about it...really, I just assumed everyone knew."
This ended with me getting offered a romantic getaway weekend...and then being KICKED in the crotch by a friend who I had only recently gotten to know.

"I'm SO sorry, babe.  I had not idea you had self-esteem issues.  It's totally normal for someone to be nervous."
This ended in me getting dumped, getting back together with the same girl, and then breaking up with her because she had a VERY irritating habit of punching me in the crotch whenever she got mad, and I was tired of the frequent crotch-punching, or in one case, crotch head-butting in raging hormonal fury.

For each situation, I was on the RIGHT TRACK.  I bring up an uncomfortable topic, and I apologize.  YAY BRIAN! But...then the apology makes the ORIGINAL situation even worse.

See, talking about someone's noisy room is fine.  Telling them you now know it's because they're trying to prove their sexual confidence after failing to satisfy their most recent girlfriend?  Not fine.  Hence the violent reaction.

Accidentally telling someone you knew they were gay?  It happens.  It's hard to stop, and can actually offer them a way to admit to SOMEONE and talk to SOMEONE about their identity.   Telling someone you knew they were gay, and that they had a crush on you, and you were only being rude to stop them from flirting because it was getting awkward and somewhat depressing?  That's mean and humiliating. 

Telling a girl she has no reason to feel nervous in tight outfits?  Endearing, and good boyfriend behavior.  Telling her you're unsurprised she has self esteem issues when it comes to her size, but TRYING to actually state that it's a common fear that she, like many women, shouldn't have? Right idea to start, but OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU FORGET THE "YOU HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL THAT WAY, BEAUTIFUL LADY PART OF THE APOLOGY, NOW YOU'RE JUST A GIANT DOUCHE-BAG.


So now in 2012, I'm trying to improve.  I'm trying to use social cues to do the OPPOSITE of what I have been doing for the last few years.  I'm trying to use subtext and the undercurrents of conversation to make me NOT a giant jerk when I apologize. 

I think it can be helpful, and as I look back on previous mistakes, I realize now that I should have said,

"Sorry I complained, you're just constantly having huge amounts of sex with beautiful women who cannot restrain their or your lustful sounds, likely due to your amazing genital girth and skill."

"Hey, I'm sorry I was being rude. I'm just not used to men being so kind to me, especially when their personality is so wonderful, and it appears they're flirting, which is totally natural for someone who is so awesomely friendly, smart, and attractive.  I'm sorry for ever maybe  denying your perceived flirting, since I'd be lucky to have a hot guy like you after me...if I were gay, or you were, which I'm not, and I have no evidence or logic to believe you are....sorry?"

And I should have told my ex-girlfriend, "You were self-conscious? Is it because of the incredible aura of sexiness you gave off?  Don't be uncomfortable being as gorgeous, well shaped, and intellectually attractive.  I know it's a tough burden to bear, but you'll be able to handle it, I'm certain. I'm sorry I'm not able to show you off as the attractive intelligent woman you are in a way that lets you feel no nervousness about your obvious and almost mind-blowing sexiness."

I hate listening to unspoken passive subtext and hidden meaning in conversation.  I hate people being mad, which is why I constantly apologize.  So perhaps what I need to do now is learn to be the guy who apologizes RIGHT. 


After all:  Nothing says "I'm Sorry" like flattery, pandering, and just a TINY smidgeon of exaggeration.