What To Do When Time-Traveling

If you could go back in time, to any point, and of course be assured that your actions wouldn't paradoxically prevent you from going back in time, what would you do?  This question actually appeared as a topic of a college entrance essay back when I applied to my undergraduate school, and since then has appeared again and again in literature discussion, writing classes, and of course late night conversations slurred over an empty mug.

Everyone's answers are different, and unique.  Everyone has their own ideas, after all, and own interests.  I couldn't be bothered to go back and check on Jesus, for example, but I doubt I'm in the minority who would be interested in visiting a young Charles Darwin (HAPPY BELATED DARWIN DAY, FROM YESTERDAY!)  What's absolutely certain, however, is that there is a true 'right' answer to this question.  What would you do if you could go back in time?  IF you're smart, you'll do each of the following:

4) Meet your ancestors.  

I'm not suggesting you pull a Marty Mcfly and make out with your mom, or anything terrible like that.  Rather, it seems to me to be common sense that one of the most important things you could do as a time traveler is meet the people who matter in your life...before you were in their life! Imagine seeing your dad whine as a late teen about how unfair his parents are.  Imagine the hilarity of seeing the grandpa who always complained about the 'uphill both ways' life style he grew up in, and realizing he MIGHT just be exaggerating.  And imagine how fascinating it would be to see how your lineage began.  Seriously, if you get a chance to time travel and pass up seeing your ancestors as far back as you can trace, you're wasting your time.

3) Meet your personal heroes

Everyone has their favorite personal hero.  As a kid, they were your 'go-to' subject for a book report, your model to plan your career after, and commonly also the inspiration for the name of your favorite stuffed animal.  If you get the chance to go back in time, take a few minutes of your amazing journey and visit the heroes of the world, and appreciate the amazing things that they'll be in the process of doing from a whole new perspective.  Imagine the amazement you'd feel watching Einstein working at his desk, his pencil tracing a formula that would unlock our understanding of the entire universe.  Imagine the power and meaning you would experience hearing the first-hand account of Martin Luther King Jr. And of course, imagine being able to time travel back home and brag to your friends about how you made out Cleopatra, or Marilyn Monroe, in their prime.  Admittedly, you might need to have charm and grace to pull that last one off, but if you've got a time-machine, I'll just assume you can manage the charm as well. If you ever get a chance to time travel and don't go see Ghandi, MLK Jr., Einstein, and any other amazing hero that pops into your mind, a time machine has been wasted on you. 

2) Prank your past self

Basically the plot to the second and third Austin Powers films

I can't be the only one who's imagined doing this, so I feel comfortable admitting something I would normally keep quiet:  If given the chance, I would be a complete and total jackass to my past self.
Seriously!
And I think you should be too.  Imagine for a moment that right now, a future version of yourself suddenly popped into view.  Imagine that they look almost exactly like you, just older.  Perhaps they are wearing some obviously futuristic garb, or perhaps they step out of a giant blue phonebox speaking in a confusing riddle about how time itself is in peril.  First, assuming your past self doesn't instantly go insane, what would they do?  What would, I guess the better question is, YOU do?  I even have a plan for what I'd ask my young self, and tell him about the world.  First, I would ask him if he's met his soulmate yet...I'd constantly make vague allusions to her in my dialogue, and I'd drop hints that she was royalty.  Why?  Because by doing so you would set your younger self on a path that they'd believe DESTINY had created for them.  It would either fail comically, or it would result in their certainty giving them strength and purpose enough to eventually MARRY ROYALTY.  And of course, I'd tell my past self that he was going to save the world, and that I should watch for a purple and grey meteorite.  And then, I would go.  If I ever travel back in time, I'm pranking past me, and getting a chuckle at my own strange confusion and likely misfortune. 

1) Kill Hitler

It's really the only consistent rule to time travelling: Kill Hitler. Also, thanks to XKCD for the amazingly fitting comic.

There are a lot of people in history that would probably benefit the world if they were killed.  Genocides could be stopped, murders prevented, violence reduced, and the world would be a better place for each and ever removal of the true villains of history.  But if you have a time machine, I suggest you prioritize.  Don't go back and pick on your middle school bullies now that you're an adult.  Don't waste your time on the other 3 'Must-Do' suggestions of time travel.  First, and definitely foremost, kill Hitler. I mean, if you create time travel and don't kill Hitler, you're basically PROTECTING Hitler from time-travel justice, and I'm pretty sure that's a guaranteed ticket to hell.  So remember, if you ever find a time machine, create a time machine, or are mysteriously given control over time and space, forget whatever petty troubles are going on in your life and do the right thing:  Go back in time and Kill Hitler.