Why Nice Guys and Nerds Never Get a Date: A Melodramatic Explanation

Someone recently asked me why I'm single...Me, Brian of BB+B fame and glory! Why I, of anyone on this planet, is forced to walk alone in my endless journeys. He asked why I, of all the wondrous beacons of light that are myself and my companions, found myself alone at the end of each day. It was a worthwhile question, and so I gave it my full attention.

I took a moment and looked down at myself, before looking back up and meeting my friend's questioning gaze. Clearly, it could not be my looks. I mean, with a mane of such lustrous chest hair, I imagine that I am like a magnet, and women across the globe are all ferrous metals waiting to be drawn in. With such strong arms, I must appear as a stalwart lighthouse on the seas of life, and any woman who sees me must be drawn to this bastion of strength and comfort. No, it certainly couldn't be my looks.

To continue building the suspense, I looked to the right of me, where no one was sitting, and I pondered the empty chair. Such a lonesome thing, quietly waiting for more attention. It clearly sought a buttocks, well formed and feminine, to fill the hole in its life, and simultaneously to fill the space in my heart where a woman could go. The chair was not the problem though, on a sign that a problem existed. So I continued my search for a cause of my single-hood, and turned my eyes skyward, so that I could think in my head privately for a moment.

Having a GLORIOUS MUSTACHE I began to twirl it in my fingers, pensive for a moment about the incredible simplicity of the question. I ran my thick, masculine fingers through the hairs that jutted from my upper lip in an attempt to physically hold on to the moments of pure and unending bliss that would surely come to me once I found the answer as to WHY I have not procured myself a long term relationship with a beautiful and intelligent woman.

Why, of all people, am I still single? I am, by all senses of the word, quite special. I am above average in height and girth. In ancient times, I would almost instantly be considered important and grand. I am well educated, so I can spend seemingly endless hours droning on and on about subjects no one cares about (which somehow proves that I'm educated, because only the well educated can spend so much time on such unimportant matters). I am quite pale, and my hair is a strange combination of golden brown and the darkest of blonde. Again, I am atypical, special MAGNIFICENT EVEN!

Having completed my train of thought, I looked back across the table at the buddy of mine who had asked and stated in a cool and collected low tone, "He who is himself more than merely a man is too much a man for any one woman, and thus he finds himself alone."

My buddy stared adoringly back at me, realizing I was imparting crucial wisdom to the world. He waited a moment, clearly turning my words over in his mind before asking me yet another question. He asked, "So, you think you're just so awesome no woman can handle you?"

I chuckled for a moment. Clearly, he had not understood. I drew breath as if I were about to wax and wane on a complex and beautiful subject, as if I were about to give to him the secrets of my soul and the logic for why I am alone. And I said simply, “No, but it sounded really cool.”

He blinked a few times and then tilted his head to the side. He finally worked up the courage to just simply ask me again, “So, really then, why are you single?”

I answered quickly this time, knowing full well that he and the world were wondering why I was single. It is important, after all, that I someday find myself wife and family, so that my lineage may pass on into the infinite future, likely creating silly and amusing stories for centuries to come.

And I answered him honestly, because I am nothing if not direct.

“I am single for one reason and one reason alone: I don't take time to ask out women. I wait for them to ask me out, or I flirt just enough to pique their interest but then go back to working long hours on my various commitments and personal interests. I spend my evenings at home or with male friends instead of going out and socializing.  I rarely if ever find the courage to ask anyone I enjoy out on a date, because I don't feel confident enough to do so most days. And I think, to be frank, that this is probably why most people are single. It's not because women 'friendzone' guys, and it's not because 'Nice guys finish last'. It's simply that we don't go out and ask anyone to date, and so don't actually date often enough to find the right person for a real relationship.  We never take the risks that dating requires, and so we never date."

My friend stared at me for a moment before admitting what he thought.  I might be paraphrasing a bit, but his response as I recall it was, “I think you might be right. And I think you just solved the ancient questions of why so many nice guys are single. I think you might have just figured out the secret to dating success....Brian, you're a genius, and amazing, and also handsome and funny."  Again, I might be paraphrasing, but that was the basic point of his response.

And with that, I solved the age old question...

Why do nice guys, quiet guys, nerdy guys, and shy guys never get dates?
Because they never ask anyone to go on a date. 

Suddenly, it seems pretty damned obvious.


Thanks for reading, and as always I suggest you leave a comment below or check out some of my other posts.  "Jerks Finish Last" and "Why Men Suck at Dating:  A Theory About Friendship" are related posts, so check those out first!

Thanks again for reading,
Brian, the Author guy.