5 Behaviors Everyone Hates (And How They Should Be Punished)

Everyone has their personal pet peeves, like people chewing with their mouths open, interrupting conversations, or biting their nails.  These sorts of pet peeves are not universal, and really might not be worth trying to control.  I don't really care if you bite your nails, after all, nor do I care if you chew with your mouth open. I'm not a fan of people who interrupt others, but even there I'm flexible. I don't LIKE those behaviors, but I'm not someone who thinks they should be punished.

There are, however, some basic things it seems that pretty much everyone ever hates, and yet these actions persist.  Things I think are worth punishing. In case you're one of the small proportion of the world who seems unable to grasp the basic social rules of modern society, I've laid out 5 things that pretty much everyone hates with a fiery, burning passion.

More importantly, I've laid out what I'm going to do to you if you continue to be a jerk, and break the rules of modern polite society. Prepare, jerks of the word, to be cruelly and unusually punished.

1) People Who Don't Say "Thank You" When a Door is Held Open For Them.

SAY 'THANK YOU', YOU SON OF A *****
Found from Ryanselvy.tumblr.com

If you're one of the many people who just assumes anyone holding a door open is a door-man, and is paid to show you this most basic courtesy, I have news for you:  YOU ARE A MASSIVE JERK. ALSO, IF I'M NOT WEARING A BRIGHT RED VEST WITH GOLD TRIM AND A FANCY HAT, I'M PROBABLY NOT YOUR DOOR-MAN.
If someone in front of you chose to open the door for you, they did so because they thought that it would be polite and you might appreciate the gesture. They might also hold the door because it's unbelievably awkward to NOT hold the door open, and have a total stranger need to sprint to try to catch the door you callously let close behind you (even if watching them half walk, half run, one arm desperately extended is absolutely hilarious). 
That doesn't mean you get to have the door held and walk away free.  Give a smile and a nod at the very least, but you should really say 'thank you'.  You need to let the person holding the door know that yes, you are appreciative of their actions.  I don't care if you're carrying a metric ton of angry wasps in paper-thin jars about to shatter, take the time to say 'thank you' or you deserve to face some form of cruel and unusual punishment.
Say thank you, or be punished.

The Punishment: Anyone who doesn't say thank you gets followed around by people who slam the door in their face right as they walk through. This continues until you say 'thank you' 10 face-slamming-door-shuts in a row.  10 times, so you learn your lesson, and because it's funny to imagine the door getting slammed on a jerk, over and over and over.

2) People Who Don't Wash Their Hands After Leaving The Restroom.

AND THIS IS JUST NUMBER 1, WHAT DOES NUMBER 2 LOOK LIKE?
Image uncredited

Now, I have heard the argument that our society over-washes everything.  We obsess about cleanliness, we eat sterile foods and work in sterile buildings and wash so often we kill the GOOD bacteria in our bodies more often than the bad.  To a degree, that's true!  It might be why we have so many silly allergies, and asthma.  Great stuff, dirty people, you solved the riddle!
But you know what? That doesn't apply to your feces.  There is not much of an argument to be made for, 'He's got poop on his hands?  I WANT THAT TO BUILD UP MY IMMUNE SYSTEM.'  Do you know why that's not an argument?  BECAUSE IT'S REVOLTING.
Every time I go to a public restroom, there's someone who decides that wiping their hands on their pants is somehow the same as using soap and hot water for an extended period of time. Clearly, they never learned how germs are spread, and they're under the impression that 'if it's on my skin already, or in my body and bowels, it's already in me, so it's not like it'll get anyone sick!'
That's a dumb and WRONG assumption.  And incredibly gross. Because poop is gross.
WASH YOUR DAMNED HANDS WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.
Or be punished.

The Punishment: If you don't wash your hands after your touch your no-no-zones in public, the government gets to chemically sterilize you.  You're not willing to sterilize your skin?  We'll sterilize your sexual organs, so your gross, poop spreading, illness sharing, funky-smelling genes die with you. Cruel and unusual?  Yes.  Effective?  Also yes.

3) Parents who humiliate their children in public

What the hell is your problem, pink shirt lady?  She's clearly about to cry!  STOP YELLING!
Image from Thinkstock/Getty

I know that there are times when it's appropriate to tell your child to shut up in public, or even to yell at them, get down and be stern, or even seem mean.  The rest of the supermarket doesn't want to hear it, but you need to tell little Timmy that hitting you with a baseball bat isn't an appropriate way to express his anger. Fine with me.
But I'm NEVER ok with people who decide to publicly humiliate kids and make a scene.  If a kid says he has to pee and you refuse to let him go and he pees his pants...THAT IS YOUR FAULT, NOT HIS (I actually witnessed this last month, so frustrating!). Thank god for angry restaurant managers who will stand up and force people like that to leave, while giving the little boy an apron to cover up. 
When the HELL did it become socially acceptable to humiliate kids or be extremely mean to them?  To those parents, babysitters, or even siblings who are taking little kids out and about:  GROW UP.  Being the mature adult is YOUR job. Absolutely no one wants to see you prove that you're not mature to be in charge of a 5 year old. Shut your trap and be the adult.
Or get punished.

The Punishment: We find people who are EVEN MEANER THAN YOU (Like Ann Coulter that frosty republican little she-devil), and have them follow you and critique your minor imperfections loudly ad nauseum.  They will announce over a megaphone every time you fart, scratch your butt, smell your own breath, check for body odor, go to the bathroom, or just simply look like jerk-ish. You'll have some empathy for the kids after that.

 4) Texting inappropriately

I am not interested in reading "hey grrl wassup witchu", because I want to
WATCH THE DAMNED MOVIE, YOU INCONSIDERATE LITTLE TWIT
Image uncredited

I'm not kidding when I say I have no idea how this is something that hasn't been clarified to absolutely everyone by now.  Seriously!  Movie theaters?  During dinner?  During a date?  In a class?  In the middle of a freakin' conversation?  While driving? Is there ANY time people won't just rudely pull out their phones and text someone whose contact name is "T-Money" the useless question "dude, what r u up2"
Movie theaters even TELL YOU during the previews NOT to do this. WHY DO YOU STILL DO THIS? There are entire social media campaigns meant to convince people not to text while driving, and yet people still risk their own and other people's lives because "N2M HBU" (Not too much, how about you?) has to be sent to someone right this damned minute.
When it's just inconsiderate and not actually dangerous, like during a dinner conversation, or when a teacher is talking in class, or your boss is talking in a meeting, it's still an unnecessary nuisance.  It's a dumb, very foolish nuisance.  Unless you're waiting on an emergency call, you can WAIT FIVE MINUTES TO RESPOND 'K' TO YOUR BUDDY.  That single letter response (itself annoying beyond words) can wait.
Give the people near you your undivided attention, give the movie your undivided attention, give DRIVING your undivided attention, and maybe instead of texting someone useless sentence fragments 200x a day, call them on the phone at night and having a real conversation.
Put down the damned phone.
Or be punished.

The Punishment: You lose phone privileges.  Forever. You text and drive?  Well, no phone for you for all of eternity. More than that, you're only allowed to sit in the very back of any theater, auditorium, classroom, etc, so that your tendency to ignore those around you in favor of your own ways won't bother as many people.  If you want to be in your own little communication bubble, enjoy it everywhere, by not sitting in places where you can bother the rest of us, ever again.

5) Leaving a mess in a communal space or item

Oh, a filthy microwave, I SURE WANT MY FOOD COOKED IN THAT!
Image found from Curbly

This is probably the most general thing that everyone hates, but it's also the most common. Everywhere we go, we're using communal items.  We share everything!
So, HOW is it possible that you never consider, after making a mess, that someone might use the same item or space?  I mean, is it that big of a deal to take a damp rag and run it through the microwave because your tomato soup in a can blew up everywhere?  What do these people think, that their time is so important that the 10 extra seconds of cleanup they could do are more important than the 5 sick days of work you'll get if the nasty microwave is allowed to grow mold that you accidentally ingest when you use the same microwave?  REALLY?  10 seconds cleanup is too much to ask to prevent HORRIFIC, BOWEL UNLOOSENING FOOD POISONING? Yeah, that happens. Freshman year of college an entire floor of one dorm got sick when one guy let his hot-pocket rot in a microwave and then didn't really really clean it out, but claimed he did.
It's obvious basic courtesy, it's simple to fix and should be done even if you AREN'T sharing the space or items, but is absolutely necessary if you share use with someone else.  Clean your own damned mess.
Or get punished.

The Punishment:  People who do this should not be allowed to USE common use items.  That includes microwaves or refrigerators, but it ALSO includes much much more.  SUCH AS THE STREET AND SIDEWALK.  If you decide you're not going to contribute along with everyone else, anything that they pay into shouldn't be yours to use.  Enjoy homeschooling your kids in a house you yourself built without electricity or plumbing, without access to firemen or policemen, outside of city limits.You don't want to be part of the group, then don't be.

* * *

So, readers, join me in improving the world.  Join me on my quest for social justice, and rid the world of these self-indulgent jerks who don't think their actions will ever be challenged.  Teach the lazy and selfish that their actions have consequences, and that the rest of the world is tired of their loud-chewing, thankless door-entering, always texting, poop-hand smearing, or other obnoxious-behavior-filled ways. I guarantee, you slam the door on a thankless walker's face, they'll realize pretty darned quick that 'thank you' is easier to say than "OH GOD, YOU BROKE MY NOSE AND FRONT TEETH ON THE DOOR", especially since a broken nose and missing teeth would make that sound like "OH GOB-YOU BWOKE MY MOSE AM FWONT TEEF OB DHE DOAH." 

Remember: say thank you.  Or be punished. 

Thanks so much for reading! Leave a comment below, and check out the rest of the site.
For more funny-but-true life lessons, check out "Kid Rules to Improve the World" or "Jerks Finish Last"

Thanks as always for taking the time to read the blog.  I love getting your feedback, and keeping you entertained.

Brian, the author-guy.