How to Master and Defeat the "Awkward Pause"

Aside from being the greatest name for a band ever,  (seriously, "The Awkward Pause" sounds awesome, and they'd come on stage, play the first chord, wait a full minute in silence and then start their songs....it sounds amazing) the awkward pause is one of the most common discomforts experienced in basic conversation. It happens when someone says the wrong thing, looks the wrong way, runs out of things to say, misspeaks or stutters, farts or burps, or even just approaches the wrong person.
There is, however, a mastery to the awkward pause.  Today, I'm going to teach you how to master the awkward pause, derive amusement from it, and have it as a weapon in your conversational arsenal. If you study carefully and apply these skills, you too will be able to turn any uncomfortable silence into a hilarious moment of catharsis. 

Identifying the Awkward Pause:

An awkward pause does not have a set amount of time.  As a rule, however, any time the lull in conversations is longer than around 3 seconds, you've entered the awkward zone.  Unlike the twilight zone, this is a well known and documented and understood phenomena, with very simple rules and attributes.

First, an awkward pause is never initiated on purpose.  If it is then one partner in the conversation is probably trying to be funny, and that's not a true awkward pause, that's just a bad joke.  A real awkward pause is spontaneous, uncomfortable, and easily identifiable.  The symptoms are well know: the sudden onset of 'failure to make eye contact' and 'uncomfortable throat clearing', or the ever frightening 'panicked giggling'. Furthermore, fidgeting and constantly readjusting your physical position are also associated with the awkward pause, and are a beginner's attempts to break the discomfort.  After today, you'll be able to do more than tie your shoes and make strange noises; you'll be able to make it funny and charming.

Notice the lack of eye contact, the fidgeting, the oddly blown up lips
and sudden lean away as if trying to escape the discomfort.

Breaking the Awkward Pause:

It is never a good idea to break an awkward pause quickly.  Suddenly blurting out the first thing to come to mind leads to awkward moments.  For example, I once accidentally asked somoene when her baby was due without realizing she wasn't pregnant.  I tried to break the silence quickly by blurting my first thoughts but all I managed to manage was "Not because you're fat, I was complimenting your boobs!" Truly, a terrible reaction to awkwardness.

Further common beginner mistakes include trying to seem clever, by pointing out that the situation is awkward, or uncomfortable.  I myself used this technique rather often in my college years, and managed to gain the nickname "Awkward Brian" from a half dozen floormates in my freshman dorm. Believe me when I say that shrugging and stretching the work "Awkward" into five or more syllables doesn't actually improve the situation. To break an awkward pause requires charm and quick thinking, or at least pretending to be charming, and having a plan so you don't have to ad-lib.

Try something very simple to start: Smile like you mean it.  Give the opposite party a grin and no matter how poorly you handle the silence, you're likely to at least get sympathy. When you appear uneasy, the situation becomes uneasy.  Remember, nothing is awkward until you let it be awkward. If the smile isn't enough and you can't think of a GOOD way to get back on topic, sometimes the best solution is to change the subject in a funny way.  Self deprecating humor, or sarcastic cliches actually work well here. If I had been quicker, instead of talking about the overweight woman's breasts, I might have said "Wow, with my foot so far in my mouth I can taste my socks, and I apparently need to do laundry."  That would have given me a chance to walk away and disengage while also making it clear that I meant no offense.  If you're sticking with cliches, you can put on a sarcastic voice and say, "AND HOW ABOUT THAT LOCAL SPORTS TEAM!" or "So...the weather sure is...weather-y lately?"  If you do this, you're basically telling your conversation partner that you feel awkward, but you don't have to actually articulate it and make it more uncomfortable.  Also, by using cliches instead of a clever thought you come up with on the spot you won't somehow accidentally say anything worse.  Believe me, if you think it's bad calling a woman pregnant when she's not, you haven't seen bad until you follow it up by talking about her breasts.

The key to breaking the Awkward Pause is charm and wit, and if you lack either (as most of us lack at least one if not both) then pretending with a smile and self deprecation is almost as good.

Wow, he just can't catch a break on the awkward-pause party train.

Handling Train-wrecks:

Sometimes, you screw up even though you seem prepared.  Sometimes, you try to comment on the weather and instead of seeming cute you sound even more awkward.  Sometimes you might try to recover from the awkwardness and make it so much worse that it seems like you can't recover.

To give a perfect example, we turn back to my own life.  As a self proclaimed master of awkwardness, I've found myself in a number of uncomfortable 'train-wreck' awkward pauses.  In college I once told a girl I had a crush on her, and she responded by explaining that she was a lesbian. Trying to be cute I said, "Well, can we at least agree that women are hot?" I gave her a smile and chuckled.  She responded by telling me that she was still 'in the closet' and that this wasn't something to laugh about.  I managed to dig an even deeper hole by saying, "Well I was just trying to break the tension" and having her respond with "So now you're blaming me for making you feel uncomfortable?" 

Basically, in a situation where you have no out you need to create one.  Sometimes, the best solution is just to leave the conversation.  In my case I just said, "Sorry, I don't mean offense." That simple statement allowed me to leave the room without feeling any worse.  Further, it took the blame off my shoulders. Suddenly, I wasn't being inconsiderate, I just wasn't sure what to say and didn't want to sound mean.  I got to move on without being a jerk.

If you're in a true train-wreck of awkwardness you have to choose between getting out with SOME dignity, or trying to dig yourself out of a hole, and as the logic there implies, the more you dig the worse you'll be. Sometimes, the only way out is to just leave.  Don't wait around until you're so uncomfortable that even leaving becomes too uncomfortable.

Jerry Seinfeld KNOWS awkwardness.  Trust his judgment. 

Salvaging the Situation:

If you've managed to break the awkward silence without offending anyone or robbing yourself of any and all confidence, the next step is salvaging the situation.  You have to figure out how to get the conversation restarted, or back on track in some way. If you've stuck the situation out, then you must think it's possible to recover, otherwise you'd have left in shameful disgrace as mentioned in the 'train-wreck' section above.

I find that faking forgetfulness works wonders.  "Before I put my foot in my mouth, what were you saying?" is a personal favorite but I never underestimate the awkward clap and plea for "Let's both pretend I didn't say anything, shall we?"  By asking a question or actively seeming forgetful you make it so that the conversation is now in your opponent's lap.  They have to respond in some way, and usually they're going to respond by trying to move forward.

If fake forgetfulness doesn't work, completely ignoring the awkwardness can work too.  When I had a close friend loudly fart during a meeting with my boss, I chose to break the silence by asking my boss, "So what's the plan for tomorrow's meeting?" I made it so that my boss would have to be the 'guilty party' if he wanted to bring the conversation back; if he wanted to ask about the horrific, nose burning smell, the awkwardness would now be his fault, instead of mine or my pal's. This is the best solution in professional or formal settings because protocol dictates that if someone wants to ignore a problem, it's rude to bring any attention to it. So if you ever fart, belch, swear, or accidentally stare at the privates of a coworker or employer, remember that ignoring the situation and pretending nothing happened is probably the best choice.

The "Awkward Pause" Master:

Now the only thing left is for you to try using these skills for real.  Just remember that almost any situation can be diffused with a smile, and that awkwardness is only a matter of perspective.  If you act like it's not awkward, most of the time the situation will seem less awkward. Also remember the strategies discussed for diffusing discomfort, such as changing the subject, or self deprecating humor.  And, if all else fails remember this:
If the situation is truly insolvable and you are already in deep, do something horrifically uncomfortable and odd like dancing "Gangnam Style" and dancing away singing 'Hey sexy lady'. Sure it will still be awkward, but you get to ALSO be hilarious, like an awkward pause master!

Funny and awkward is better than unfunny and awkward any day of the week.