Statements That Make You Sound Like A Jerk

Today, instead of a long-winded talk and story, I give you a brief but heartfelt rant.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but..."

"So, I mean NO offense..."

"PLEASE don't be mad..."

"I'm just trying to be honest..."

"I say this out of love..."

"I feel like I just HAVE to tell you..."

"You know I never want to sound mean, but..."

Of course, my personal favorite, "This might SOUND mean, but it really isn't"

Each above preface is common, well used, and no matter how utilized, still just mean, "Prepare to be insulted."  We all hear them.  We all know them.  We all probably use them.  Yet, over time, they have come to mean the exact opposite of what they say.

"Don't be offended" is never followed up by "that I think you're just a delight."
It's followed by, "but you're actually a horrible person who deserves some sort of strange and unusual monkey viral infection, and likely a minor beating by some muscular and aggressive mafia thugs."  No one starts sentences with, "Please don't get mad when I say this," and ends with puppies and hugs, so why do we use these phrases at all?

We use them because we really DON'T want our 'victims' to be mad.  We want to be blunt, and clear, and harsh, but we don't want the injured party to feel assaulted.  We worry about people liking us, so it's alien to say anything that might just come across as offensive without at least trying to preface it  to soften the blow. 
When I say, "no offense", it's because I don't mean personal offense.  When I say, "Take this however you want," it means there are multiple levels of meaning that can be taken, and each has a degree of truth to it.  However, no matter how it's dressed up, these phrases might be meant kindly but are almost exclusively taken as an attack. That is to say, "Don't take this the wrong way" is never taken the 'right' way.

I suggest we stop using these sorts of phrases.   Even when sincere, telling someone something offensive IS offensive.  So just SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY in a coherent, non-cliche way.  Then, if you feel you must, explain why you feel the need to speak up.  Tell someone, "I'm your best friend, so I feel obligated to let you know when you're acting like an asshole.  Currently, you are acting like an asshole.  That behavior you are engaging in?  It's a common asshole behavior.  I would recommend, in the future, you act less like an asshole, and engage in this behavior less often, or stop altogether."  THEY MIGHT JUST STOPACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE, and since you didn't try to hide behind meaningless phrases, you're more likely to be taken seriously.  The asshole person will spend less time being mad at you for being unclear and rude, and more time either being mad and then fixing their shit, or just fixing their shit, and appreciating the honesty.

In my own close group of friends, we've managed to break past the need for false decorum, and are much more effective communicators as a result.  Instead of the unnecessary side jabs that are so often thrown around even in friendly conversation, (passive aggressive bitchiness that most of us learn from pre-teen years, particularly from adolescent girls) my friends and I are clear and communicative.  I don't tell someone, "I think you could probably have been nicer," I say, "You're being kind of a dick, please stop."  Sure, there's a momentary shock, but suddenly afterwards, my buddy will be less of a prick. Hell, by being blunt, you can now be SPECIFIC.  Instead of calling them a jerk, or saying they're acting 'a bit careless', you can say, "No one likes it when you clip your toenails at the dinner table.  It's disgusting, as is the horrific stench of feet when we try to eat dinner." (THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, AND IT WAS REVOLTING)


Being kind and caring are important qualities to cultivate. Being clear and understood is still more important. I'd rather surround myself with somewhat brusque but honest individuals than a room full of politically correct backhanded comments.

On the same subject, let's all just do away with the backhanded compliment.  If you think I'm fat, don't tell me, "I love how you wear your weight, it hides your obesity so handsomely."  Tell me, "Lose some weight, you're fat."  If a girl asks if her butt is big in the dress, don't tell her, "The dress does you favors with your bust line, and really draws attention to your more positive assets," tell her, "Yep, you should find another dress if you're worried about it." Which is better, "I like your butt, but the dress does accentuate it," or, "No, honey, now let's go out now (so you can spend the whole damned evening worrying if I lied, and fearing that you look bad)"?


And lastly, if you really feel like you have to preface your statement, then understand how you're going to be understood.  Don't be surprised when, "No offense" is taken offensively, and "I love you, but" sounds like, "I can barely stand your presence.  PREPARE FOR INSULTS!"

Maybe, instead of these repetitive phrases we all overuse but don't always understand, we can all proverbially nut-up, and just admit when we have something mean to say. 

I'll even set the example:  Readers, I think you should share my posts with more people, and stop just being lazy about it, and keeping all the laughs to yourselves. Keeping me to yourself is both selfish and lazy.  So, get on that 'sharing' thing, if you would. 

See?  That wasn't so hard. 



Thanks for reading, and if you're interested in more related posts, check out "Kid Rules to Improve the World" or "I Suck at Apologies"

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