Last Will and Testament: Bachelor Edition

Death happens.  You don't always know it's coming, and perhaps haven't prepared or planned for it.  If that happens to me, everyone around me will know what to do.  You see, I have left very clear instructions.  I've written a document titled "Just In Case" and have it on my computer, on the off chance I somehow pass away.  It's also backed up and stored on my external hard drive. And it's on my google account, as a saved document. 
Because I'm such a friendly person, and because I know that I can't be the only person who has a long list of final demands they'd like to see fulfilled, I've decided to share an outline of my will. Personally, I believe that every single male guy who probably doesn't have this prepared yet should copy something like mine, because it's never a bad idea to be well prepared. 
So, I present:  THE BACHELOR'S WILL

1) DELETE MY BROWSER HISTORY

If I'm dead, truly gone, then I don't care much what people think about me.  And yet, some tiny part of me knows that it would be a terrible burden for my friends and family to know all the stupid things I waste time online doing.  I'm not even just talking about porn or anything dirty.  Though, honestly, that should be something every bachelor worries about.  You'll want to ensure that no one gets to include your favorite porn preferences in their eulogy for you (somehow, somewhere, you know this type of thing has happened).  But more importantly, it prevents everyone from realizing you spent 5 hours one day reading star wars fan-fiction when you were supposed to be doing work...or it means no one ever gets to read your long-forgotten facebook messages, such as when you professed your undying love in high school to a girl whose name you've already forgotten.  So in your will, make sure to include the command that they delete your browser history. This is priority number one.

2) DEMAND A VIKING FUNERAL

If I'm dead, there's only one good way to put me out of this world: Burning something in an awesome display of wasteful extravagance and general badassery.  I truly can't imagine a better way of being sent to Valhalla than via Viking Funeral, so this is another must-have demand on my will (or as I like to think of it, a 'post-mortem wish list'). I want to be set out at sea on a massive ship, burned and left to float and crumble for eternity in the ocean.  I want to feed the fishes.  I want to become part of the underwater food chain. I don't want this whole 'give me a real funeral' thing, that's just boring.  I don't want to rot underground in a coffin, and I definitely don't want to be cremated in what is basically just a giant pizza oven, like so many funeral homes have. If I'm going out of the world, I want a massive viking longboat to go out with me, and I want to go in style.  That way, my death will make sure I'm remembered as a kickass, viking-like person. So in your own will and testament, demand a viking funeral.  Viking funerals are cool.

3) KICK MY ENEMIES IN THE SHINS

Past fights and anger are easily forgotten after death: After all, there's no point hanging onto a grudge against a dead man.  But what if there WAS an unresolved grudge?  What if, as you lay dying, you suddenly are haunted by the thought that your old high-school friend never gave you that 10 bucks he owed you, and you never got to exact revenge for this slight?  I don't want this sort of petty demand to haunt my spirit once I'm gone. That's where this third demand comes in: In my will, I'm including a list of people who have wronged me, in any fashion, and have not made up for it yet.  I originally thought to include a list of appropriate punishments for the people on the list, but since I'll be dead if this ever happens, it seems relatively useless to design complex revenge schemes. Instead, I demand that my friends and family find whoever I put on this list, and kick them in the shins during my funeral.  Hard.  Not "break a leg" hard, but at least "Has to sit down and rock back and forth holding their shin in mild pain for a minute" hard. I want to look down from heaven and see my enemies with EXTREMELY uncomfortable shins. If I'm dead, I want to know all my remaining debts are paid, and I'm relatively fond of the idea of these bets being paid via shin-kicking. If I die, make sure you kick the shins of my enemies in my honor. You can't ignore a last request, and this can count as mine.

4) THE BRO MUST GO.

In this case I mean "bro" as in "my literal brother."  If I die, I want to be clear about who is or is not allowed into my apartment, home, or wherever I'm living first.  And it has to be my brother.  For other people, it might be someone in particular, but whoever it is has only one job:  Go into that apartment and destroy or take anything that will make me look bad after death.  I choose my brother because we're not particularly close, but I feel like he's the sort of person who would still have fond memories of me, even after clearing out my apartment.  Whoever this person is in your will, make it clear what they're expected to do: MAKE YOUR APARTMENT OR HOME LESS PATHETIC.  All bachelors are at some level sad sacks, and thus we tend to have terrible habits.  Throw away the expired milk in my fridge.  Clean the browser history at this time.  Throw away the 400 pages of ungraded student work I always seem to have sitting in a pile on my desk that makes me look lazy.  Remember, after you die, it should be clear in your will that one person in particular is given the duty to enter your apartment before anyone else (I believe this is where the phrase 'bros before hoes' was invented), and destroy anything that you wouldn't want seen by your family or friends. Bros enter the apartment, then the rest of the world (BONUS: This means as a last act, you get to indirectly refer to everyone else on Earth "hoes").

5) BEACH PARTY FUNERAL

If I'm dead, that means the collective world just got a little bit worse.  Without me, and frankly without anyone who reads my blog, the world is probably just a slightly worse place.  And I recognize that, and have tried to help account for that in my last will and testament with something wonderful:  A giant party.  Now, as I've stated above, I want a massive Viking funeral to be how I go out, but more than a viking funeral, I want a party. But, since I'll be on a boat on fire slowly sinking into the abyss, that will leave all my friends on land, and likely on a beach.  That's why, as my fifth and last demand on my will, I demand a beach party funeral.  You're welcome to bring a priest or pastor, you're welcome to have a moment of solemn reflection, and you're totally welcome to use the fiery boat I ride to Valhalla as a marshmallow roasting fire, but the only non-negotiable thing here is the party.  If I'm dead, there is significantly less joy in the world, and the only way to offset this is with a massive party.  So the first $1,000 or so of my money and belongings should go towards hosting a massive beach party, which ends with my burning-boat send off to heaven or hell.  When I die, just remember that I want a beach party funeral.  After all, you can't be sad about me dying while playing beach volleyball, right?

As I conclude this brief discussion of the terrible possibility that I will someday die, let me explain again in brief exactly how the timeline of events should happen:

• I die (It's alright being sad, I will be missed by many.  I'm just friggin' awesome like that.)
• My Brother enters my apartment, retrieves my computer, and locates a document with my living will and testament.
• My brother deletes my internet browsing history.  He does not look at it himself, either. 
• My Brother then cleans my entire apartment of anything embarrassing.
• My family and friends get permission for a beach aprty and bonfire
• My family and friends spend my life savings on a beautiful Viking longboat. 
• My family and friends have a massive beach party/Viking Funeral, and try to be happy, because my dying wish is for them to have a great time.
• While enjoying my viking funeral, my family and friends hunt down the people on my list to kick in the shins, who have been stealthily invited to the party-funeral just for this reason. 
• My enemies experience terrible shin pain for several days.
• My friends and family have a free-for-all on my stuff, because I spent so much time writing about revenge and viking funerals that I forgot to actually write the rest of the will. 

And that, dear friends, is how I'd like to go out.
Thanks for reading BB+B, and I hope this gave you a chuckle!
-Brian, The Author Guy