America's New Year's Resolutions

Here at BB+B, I decided to write the new year's resolutions for the United States of America this year. I wrote them as if I were the collective persona of America, and offer the explanations for each point as best as I understand it. Now, speaking as America, in the first person, I'd like to share my (America's) resolutions for the year 2013

1) Get In Shape

Twinkies, You Will Be Missed...But Not By Me

In 2012, I tried hard to get fit. I walked more, I smoked less, and I drank...well, about the same. But if you ignore alcohol and smoking, 2012 was STILL a pretty unhealthy year for me, no matter what I tried to do to fix it.
In 2012, I kicked the twinkie habit to the curb for good (assuming that whole mess wasn't a clever marketing ploy, which I admit I'm not sure about). I visited my 58 national parks, though admittedly not too often. I tried to walk to work more to avoid the rising gas prices, though I quickly realized walking is both slow and sweaty, two things I as America have always hated. I even renewed my long term fascination with Football, but according to that smug bastard Europe, “WATCHING SPORTS ISN'T THE SAME AS PLAYING”...like he'd know, he calls soccer football, like a nerd. So in 2012, I didn't manage to make much of a change. I remained fat. And I believe that I, as America, really need to get in shape in 2013. I therefore resolve to lose weight, or at least try for a few weeks in January, before giving up and finding out how many twinkies I can buy on EBay.

2) Be Less Violent

I Far Preferred the Old Version of the Flag...

I need to be less violent. I mean, I knew that compared to the rest of the world I was violent. Hell, the bastard who sits above me, Canada, manages to preach non-violence like he's that loony Indian guy Ghandi, but in 2012 even I would say that I got a bit too violent. Not even just with guns...I was violent in pretty much every way. For Christ's sake, even my religious groups are acting pretty violent...I mean, have you SEEN the Westboro Baptist Church? How the hell is that 'Turn the other cheek'?
But I digress...in 2012 I had more people in jail per capita than anyone in the first world...I had more rape than pretty much any other first world country, and generally I was a violent sonofabitch. So for 2013, I resolve to be less violent. Maybe I'll channel my anger into something constructive, like kicking South Korea's ass...assuming, you know, the UN says ok. Because that guy got PISSED when I went to the middle east and started beating up the religious kids. But mostly, I have to resolve to stop picking fights so much. It's really never working out for me.

3) Embrace Change

I'm Pretty Sure the 2012 Election Was More About These Than The Presidency

I used to be the guy other countries looked to when they wanted to be modern. I was ahead of the curve, a trendsetter. If you ignore slavery, and God knows I did for a century or two, I was the cream of the crop in terms of progressive social change. I let women vote, I let natives have their land back (OK, I let them have SOME of it back, but I wasn't going to just LEAVE and live with my parents in Europe again, right?), and I got my science work together ahead of the game. I built cars and planes, the television, the radio, I went to space, and I generally kicked the rest of the world's ass at science. And in 2012, I pretty much just watched Jersey Shore and Honey Boo-Boo. So in 2013, I need to get my crap together.

I'm going to get that whole Stem Cell thing figured out. I'm going to cure cancer, or at least try. I'm going to find out what exactly “AIDS” is, and why Africa keeps asking for condoms and mosquito netting, because I cannot figure out how those two are related. I'm going to spend a LITTLE bit less time working out my military, because I spent at least half of my time and money on that bad boy last year, and even I realize I should scale that back. I'm going change, and stop fearing new things like weed, gays marrying, abortion, scientific research, and secularism. So, I resolve in 2013 to embrace change, live up to Obama's hundreds of thousands of unfulfilled promises, and just maybe stop watching Honey Boo-Boo, because that crap is a waste of my time.

And for my final resolution...
4) Chill The Hell Out

"Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies" is Better Than "America, FUCK YEAH!"

I know that my election year cycle is the national equivalent of PMS, but holy crap this year got brutal. It's one thing to have a big fight between political groups, but I really lost self control this year. I mean, was Romney the BEST I could find for the right? I'm starting to think I'm going to be more of a Lefty this year, because my right arm is starting to just look crazy. And Sandy Hook happened, and all I could talk about was keeping my guns or arming teachers or whatever. Looking back on that, I'm a bit ashamed. I really need to get control of myself and chill out. Maybe take a walk on the beach with Cuba, and stop giving him the silent treatment. Or maybe I can learn to relax better, and instead of flexing my left and right and arguing internally, maybe I can start trying to have both sides take care of my body better, and spend more time having fun than going ape-shit about religion and taxes.

In 2013, I resolve to get control of my temper, control my aggressive urges, and just maybe learn to be a bit more respectful of other people (and by people, I mean countries). Maybe if I'm in better shape, less violent, and learn to embrace change with my other resolutions, I'll find a way to relax better. In 2013, I resolve to be a kinder, smarter, stronger United States. And if that doesn't work out, at the least I can show progress, so that the rest of the world stops thinking of me as such a bully.

To wrap this whole set of resolutions up, I am going to just generally try to change for the better. 2012 was the year of the Apocalypse, right? So maybe for 2013 I can try to rebuild from the end of the world that didn't happen, and make myself a better country, a better person, and more attractive so other countries want to date me. In 2013, I'll reclaim my stud status, and have the rest of the world trying to sleep with me again. And by sleep with me, I mean trade and ally with me. Because countries don't have sex.

Happy New Year!
BB+B Started in 2012, and it was a great year, but I like to believe that 2013 will be even better. Stay tuned, keep reading and commenting, and let me know what YOU want to change in 2013!

Thanks for Reading!
Brian, The Author Guy

(Check out other posts about the country and change, like “Uncomfortably AccurateRegional Stereotypes” and “Jerks Finish Last”)