How to Win Facebook Political Arguments: A Guide

The Ultimate Facebook Politics Discussion Guide Part 1, Republicans:
Seriously, this is meant as satire. Uncomfortably accurate, but joking. SATIRE ALERT BELOW!

If you're reading this, it's because you want to be more knowledgeable about how to beat others in political discussions on facebook.  No one wins a discussion, but an argument definitely has a winner, and it can be you! So, argue on, and win!
Good for you! Remember, as the election draws closer, it's time to sway over any undecided voters on facebook by posting links and arguments to make your point.  As the founding fathers once said, "If you're not with me, you're against me, you American-hating bastards" or something of that sort.

If you're looking for the guide to being a Democrat on facebook, feel free to skip this first section. If you're looking for a guide to being a Republican, read the first section and ignore the rest (the way God and Jesus probably intended). Part 2, "The Ultimate Facebook Politics Discussion Guide, Democrats" comes out at 12:00(midnight) Alaskan time tomorrow (4:00 AM Eastern, as reference)

Remember, your facebook is like your front lawn, or car bumper.  If it's not covered in signs and catchphrases, how will anyone know what you believe?
Happy Facebooking!

THE GUIDE TO BEING A GOOD FACEBOOK REPUBLICAN:

First, I'm glad you chose the RIGHT side, if you excuse the pun.  Conservatism isn't respected in this country anymore, and that's something your facebook discussions can change.  So, let's get started with some tips and tricks to winning political arguments on facebook, as a Republican.

As a Republican, you're in the stronger position.  You don't have to prove yourself right, or prove the other person wrong.  You just have to avoid being proven wrong yourself, definitively, by unbiased sources.  In other words, unless they can find a Fox-News article or Bill O'Reilly tape that calls you out, you're right!  Any other news source is probably just liberal media, and you can say so, to make sure everyone knows you aren't one of the idiot hippies who fall for that crap.

In discussions, your job is to remind everyone about what it means to be American: Look at the average law-maker.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying blacks, Hispanics, women and the poor should be kept out of power, I'm just saying that it's always been the way it is, and changing it won't make anyone better off.  What works, works, and new ideas might fail.  We need to "Change" back to the way it USED to be, if you know what I mean.  (Feel free to use that snappy zinger, it seems to work wonders with the conservative crowd)

Key points to bring up in any facebook discussion or comment section can be broken down into 3 main sections; Religion, Obama, and Socialism.

Religion's easy to bring up.  Every discussion really comes back to Christianity, because America is a Christian nation, and all important politics is about America, so obviously, all politics really is about Christianity.  Anyone who says we aren't a Christian nation has never heard of the most important discussion point to bring up, the founding fathers.  You might say they were all different religions, but know what they REALLY were?  Christian, and you've been told it's true by respectable Fox-News journalists. 
Also, when you mention your religion on Facebook, people will be able to see you as a moral authority, and they won't want to argue anymore. After all, Jesus sets down a perfectly good set of rules about Gay Marriage, Abortion, and being a good person through Christianity, and it's worked for 2,000 years.  People who disagree are probably quoting some biased news source, like ABC, NBC, MSNBC, the BBC, Washington Post, the New York Times, or similarly liberal media that have skewed the facts.  ALWAYS BRING UP RELIGION, BECAUSE AMERICA IS CHRISTIAN.  Point 1 of the argument?  Republicans.  Atheist scumbag Democrats?  0.

Obama's easy to bring up too.  He's not even a REAL American, and the truth is, the only American part of him was from Hawaii which isn't real America.  Plus, his middle name is Hussein which seems pretty untrustworthy (not that you're racist, but come on, Hussein?), and he spent YEARS being brought up in heathen foreign lands.  He's unfit to be a president, and unfit to really be an American.  Clearly, he doesn't belong, and that's all you have to say.  Any policy questions can be redirected to Obama, because if the Democrats rely on a foreign Muslim to guide them, anything they say is probably tainted with foreign and heathen beliefs. I mean, did you see what I did there?  Literally anything the Obama administrations brings up or has been commonly named after them (Obamacare) can be defeated with the statements I just made.  Republicans 2, Loser Heathen Foreigner Democrats, STILL 0!

Lastly, Socialism. 
America is a democracy, and we're not communists.  Know who was?  Stalin. Yeah, that worked out pretty bad, didn't it USSR? Clearly Communism and socialism are the same, and let's be honest, if you were a poor and lazy commie, it would be nice to steal from the hard-working true Americans, so whenever you hear something that sounds like social welfare, or a social policy, remember that SOCIALism starts with social, and it's all Stalin-Talk from then on.
Related to this, 'Slippery Slope' is a phrase you can toss into any conversation when you get confused about what's happening. Either call the argument socialist, or say it's a slippery slope. Then sit back and relax, because you just won the argument, Republicans 3, Baby-killing-atheist-loving-communist-Democrats a whopping 0. 

Being a Republican on facebook is about trying to avoid having someone who doesn't belong here steal your money, change your religion, and seize your power. Doesn't that seem reasonable?  If you remember to repeatedly state your religion, quote the bible verses that outlaw abortion(sort of) or gay marriage(sort of), blame Obama, and recognize and call out all communist plots, you'll win.  Good luck fighting the fight, you REAL Americans.

If you can handle that, you're fine! Enjoy winning countless arguments, and swaying over all those many folks who still haven't decided their political opinions yet.  I'm certain they'll happily appreciate being informed by your helpful additions to any Facebook discussion.



As always, thanks for reading!  If you liked this post, check out Stu, my Brobama  or  Kid-Rules to Improve the World

Leave a comment or thought below, and if you can't tell that this is satire and didn't read the top, leave me an ANGRY comment that I can respond to sarcastically.  Thanks!