World Religion As Explained By Bros

In college I learned what it really means to be a ‘bro’. It turns out that being a bro is more than merely knowing that ‘dude’ is an acceptable term for any person, at any time.  Being a bro involves taking the bro-outlook on everything, even important topics like Religion. My foray into bro-hood let me hear important discussions from bros. What I learned was bro-religion, or as I call it, Broligion.

While most of the time bro-speak is incoherent and mostly gibberish, a nonsensical mire of ‘dude’ and ‘totally’ and ‘rad’ that loses all meaning, occasionally bro-speak is profound. Today I'd like to share what I've learned from broligion with my 3 favorite bro-discussions about the world's religions.

1)      Bro-jesus.

Jesus, I have learned, was a “total bro”.  He was “God’s favorite dude”.  He was “Rocking out in Heaven and then decided to come chill and party” on Earth.
Many people still talk and worship Bro-Jesus today, and that’s “Good stuff, man”. But I think all of Bro-Jesus can be summarized in my favorite re-imagined Bro-bible verse, from the book of “My Bro Johnny” 2:6-11.

“And on that day, Jesus told unto the pledges, ‘fill the keg with water’, and the pledges were like, ‘k’, and filled the kegs to the brim with water.  Then jesus was all, ‘Give a cup to the pledgemaster’ and the pledges were nervous, but were still like, ‘k’, for they had faith in Him.  When the pledgemaster chugged his cup, not realizing jesus had given him a cup from the fake-keg, he called Jesus over and was like, ‘Everybody always gives the cheapy-beer by this late in the party, but you brought out wine and shit!  You are super cool and stuff!’  Jesus did this because he wanted to show everyone how cool he was, because no one wants to be at a party where the keg runs dry. Oh, and then the pledges knew he was God, or something, because he wanted to let people know God liked parties too.”

Bro-Jesus never lets the party-times end!

2)      Broddha (Bro-buddha, not to be confused with bro-yoda)

The stories of the Buddha are many and varied, and they are far less well known than the stories of Jesus at most American universities. Perhaps that’s what led to this strange retelling of what Buddha represents and what Nirvana means. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I’m nearly positive the bro discussion of Buddhism is not informed by the writings of Bhagavad Gita, or frankly any real historical text at all.

“So Buddha was like, this normal Indian dude, but not the bows and arrows kind. He was a prince or king or something, and he was all about chilling.  That was his thing.  People would ask him questions, and Buddha was all, ‘Nope, don’t care’.  Buddha was all, ‘I don’t believe in feeling bad, because feeling bad is just in your head’ and everyone was shocked, because they all totally did feel bad, and they wanted to know why he didn’t.  Also some people maybe tried to kill him.  I think. In any case, when everyone asked what he was talking about he just said ‘nirvana’ or something, but I think he was talking about not caring, instead of a band.  And then everyone knew he was the best at not caring, so they made a religion out of it, and now every Buddhist can ignore pain and do martial arts and stuff.”

Buddha said all of life is suffering.  Bro-ddha says all of life is partying.

3)      Adam and Eve: Bro Edition

Adam and Eve is a story that is very well known.  It tells the tale of the fall of man, believed in many religions as fact, or at least as a parable about the nature of evil and humanity.  Bros generally avoid considering the nature of the world, since that’s complicated, and most bros are not.  But when asked, the story of Adam and Eve from a bro can tell a lot:  It can explain why “Women aren’t bad people, they just make men act like dumbasses,” and it can explain “why life is hard and crap, because of the apples and oranges of God.”

“So, basically God made the Earth, but it sucked without bros to worship him.  So he made Adam and Eve, because he wanted to make sure people could exist, and also have sex. Then somehow a snake shows up and is all, ‘God said eating fruit was OK, right Eve?’ and Eve says, ‘Yeah, sure, but not that one special tree, cuz you’ll die,’ but the snake says, ‘No, you won’t die, you get to become a God yourself maybe, and I'm totally not lying.’ So Eve eats the apple and gives some to Adam to be nice, and because women love to cook or something. Then Adam and Eve were smart and realized ‘oh shit, we’re naked!’ They put leaves over their junk so they didn't have to just stare at their whatnots all the time.

But God was like ‘What the F***?  ADAM, GET OVER HERE’ and Adam was like ‘I can’t come out, I’m naked’ and God says, 'WHO TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED?' Then Adam snitched on Eve and Eve told God it was the talking snake’s fault.  God gets peeved and takes away the snake’s legs because I guess snakes used to have legs in the bible and makes women have babies now, and then God aid bros and hoes are gonna suffer forever now.  Then God kicked everyone out and told Adam he shouldn’t have listened to Eve.  Also, that proved that women make men act stupid, but the stupid stuff they do is somehow not their fault? I don't know, the bible's mega-confusing.”

The real lesson is that Adam was a snitch, and the only snake Eve should have trusted was Adam's.

And there ends our lesson.

I hope you enjoyed this brief lesson on Religion, brought to you by BB+B and frat-boys everywhere!
Thanks for reading and feel free to share this site with your friends, or check out my other stories and posts on the blog!

-Brian, the Author Guy