How I Lost the Ultimate Rivalry

When I was younger, I had a best friend.  He's asked not to be mentioned by name, so I'll simply refer to him as Luigi, the counterpart to my own identity in this analogy as Mario.

We're like this, except we also sort of hate each other.
No, wait, that's probably true in Mario too.

Luigi and I have always been rivals.  It's not a purposeful rivalry, but it is a sincerely felt contention between the two of us. We've been competing since we met.  I liked to sing, but Luigi did too.  I liked video games, and Luigi had his own gaming passions.  In anything I excelled, Luigi was right at my level, or close enough in skill to be basically indistinguishable. We were two very competitive peas in a winner-take-all pod.

In high school, I was simply better than Luigi.  I didn't know him as well then as I do today, but we were at least friendly enough to be rivals of a sort. If he got a minor role in a play, I got a slightly larger one.  When he became the head of his high school choir's bass and tenor sections, I became a TA to my school's freshmen choir. When he took 4 advanced placement courses, I took 5. When we reached ahead for college, I was certain I had secured my place as the proper Mario of the story.

Luigi, strangely, seemed to agree.

I went to DePauw University in Indiana, a top tier little liberal arts college, while Luigi went to a state school, larger in size but lesser in prestige.

Doesn't DePauw just scream "Quaint but still academically serious"?

I double majored in English and Biology and grabbed a minor in Philosophy.  I held down multiple work-study and part-time jobs, helped run a fraternity, and managed to get out with a reasonable GPA. Luigi changed his major 5 times, got a mediocre GPA, and had nothing else going on outside of his schoolwork. I was certain I was ahead.  I was winning the rivalry, and there was little chance of that changing.

I headed off after graduation to Graduate school here in Alaska.  I spend my time doing research or class work, or teaching undergraduates the basics of biology as a TA.  I spend my time often facing the most beautiful nature the country has to offer here in the frigid north, and I take regular pictures of the caribou, moose, or auroras that let Luigi know that my experience is impressive, and worthy of praise. 

Luigi headed off to a mediocre job as a pharmaceutical lab technician, after finally choosing pre-med as a major but failing to get into medical schools anywhere in the country.  I was ready to declare myself eternal champion when I found that out, but held off for reasons unknown.

That crappy job Luigi had after graduating?  It was working on medicine to deal with allergies, nothing special or exciting.  Luigi got fired within a month or two of starting his work, and had to find another lab-tech job somewhere else. So, he applied at a dozen or more places, was regularly turned down month after month, until last month when he finally (a year after trying to find a job) was hired.

Luigi is now helping a research team that is working on a treatment for a specific form of pediatric cancer.

Suddenly 'Alaska' seems strangely boring and mundane.

Now, every time I talk to Luigi, he gets to end the call with a winning statement.  "Anyhow," he'll say, his voice dripping with a braggart's self-importance, "I have to run."

As I'm obligated to do by the rules of our rivalry, I will ask the question I don't want to ask, "Oh, where are you headed?"

Luigi will take a second and breathe deeply, savoring his victory.  I can almost hear his face contorting wickedly and yet happily as he then breathily lets out a simple reply. "I'm off to help cure pediatric cancer," and like the glorious bastard he is, he'll end the call with another prod at my ego, and end saying, "so enjoy the snow and moose of Alaska!  Got to run, though, because that cancer isn't going to cure itself."  Luigi then hangs up the phone and leaves me to think.

I think I hate him, but I also think...Luigi is winning. He isn't doing important research himself.  he basically cleans the test tubes and sample dishes, and occasionally he gets to hand someone important and educated a tool they'll use in their own work.  He doesn't understand much of the science he's doing, and he has no idea how anything he does benefits the research team.  But that's not important.  The important thing is that Luigi is working on the team.  While my research might help some animals and a few people, and might have implications about changing climate, all I can say is that my immediate work is towards a graduate degree.  All I can say is that I'm on an adventure in Alaska.  Luigi gets to say he works to cure cancer.  And not just any cancer, he works to cure cancer in children, the most emotionally gripping of all cancers.

So today, I admit defeat.  I don't imagine myself ever discovering something so profoundly important in nature that I will be able to defeat Luigi's claim to fame.  I don't think I will be able to win this rivalry, unless he gets fired.  Even if he does, I won't be allowed to gloat because that's just one less person working on a cure for cancer, and that's not something to celebrate.

Today, I step out of the ring.  It might not be my favorite ending, but the conclusion has come nonetheless. If I argue or fight, I still lose, because I'm arguing or fighting with someone who is trying to cure cancer. It's too serious for me to joke about and too emotional for me to ignore.  I'm forced to withdraw from the competition, unable to see where we eventually might go.

Congratulations Luigi: Today, you get to finally be Player 1.  Today, Luigi gets to be Mario.

Congratulations, you S.O.B.

Thanks for reading!  If you enjoyed, check out other stories in the column to the right.
Leave a comment or question below and I'll get back to you! 
Sincerely,Brian, the Author guy